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Prior to our marriage, my husband was involved with a woman who had a daughter. The woman committed suicide. The state was called in and the Child Services worker took the child from my husband, who had raised her from 4weeks old to 6 years old, and the child went to live with her biological father. The Child Services worker determined my husband was not fit parent, and was not allowed any further involment in the girls life. My husband and I have been married for over 15 years; we have had a wonderful relationship, communicative and loving, trustworthy and respectful of each other. October 2008, the ex-girlfriend's daughter calls to ask if we remember her and if she can visit. After a brief discussion we agree that visiting with her would be ok. My husband feels guilty about leaving her with the biological father, and her having a difficult life because of it, even tho he had absolutely no control over the situation.
Fastforward to today... The girl is now 20 years old, has a 4 month old baby boy and lives in our house. The baby's father is an illegal alien who has been deported 2 times. She has a visiting nurse for the baby, gets food stamps and other financial assistance. We do not ask for payment of rent, food or bills; with the understanding she would be 'saving for her own place', or for the baby.
Not so, she buys and sells things on EBAY, and Craig's list. She has no intention of getting a job. She has no intention of getting her own place, why should she? She leaves the baby and talks on the phone without taking care of him. I have caught accepting collect long distance calls, and when asked about it she says she didn't accept the call. Finally turned that ability off at the phone company. She invites people over when Husband and I are at work. She is a wonderful manipulator, and informs me she is entitiled to all of it. She does not say any of this if husband is in the room, or within hearing distance.
I feel like I have lost it all. I need to know I am not insensitive, nor am I being petty. I don't trust her. I need my house back, my husband. My life before her, and her ways.
She is manipulating you and you are letting her... I would either A. set some serious ground rules and see to it she follows them or out she goes or B. give her a time limit. She is an adult...and she is taking you for a ride.
She is a wonderful manipulator, and informs me she is entitiled to all of it. She does not say any of this if husband is in the room, or within hearing distance.
Sounds like a hidden camera/microphone would help. To show to your husband, and bring him up to date. Though, how can he not see the rest of her behavior?
Sounds like she is using his guilt over leaving her and not being able to get her against him. What you have there is a permanent free loader in the makings.
I would do as one said and get a hidden camera and get her on tape saying those things for him to see.... and where does she get those things to sell online? Are they stolen or what?
Until he wakes up, there is not a lot you can do but the way I see it he don't owe her anything! I would point out to him that what he IS doing is not helping her by not demanding she get a regular job and becoming self efficient, he is helping to make her a permanent dependent for the two of you or society.
Hay, and there will be more babies to come. How many more is he willing to support? She can get free birth control but you can't force her to take it... then... Opps, she is pregnant again and you really can't expect her to work pregnant! (that is the oldest trick in the book)
I agree you need to set up some ground rules... the saying does go "you live under my roof then you live under my rules" Your not kicking her out but she shouldnt be able to do what she wants when she wants and if she really wants those freedoms then she is free to find her own place to live... Calmly speak to your husband about setting up some new rules so that he's on the same page and you both speak to this adult about the new rules in place.
Thanks all for your feedback. I sat with hubby last nite, discussed some of my 'pet peeves', and he agreed... WE need to set ground rules, and then HE needs to also enforce them with her. We have a plan to write the house rules today, and sit with her tomorrow.
Thank you again.
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