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We don't give him any money. He has a part time job and bought his car with the money he got from selling his motocross which he had bought and raced last year. People kept telling me that it was a dangerous sport but I found it good for him and I knew where he was. Besides I'd rather live with seeing him break an arm or a leg that will heal in a couple of months than a life long battle with drugs. I told him right from the start that he would be responsible for any cost associated with owning his own car. Sometimes I wonder where he gets all the money.
Red flag. He may be selling, which will get him in a HUGE amount of trouble. When my son was 16-18 he went through a period like this. Allowed a friend of his who was only 15 to drive his car (which we provided for him) and he kid totaled it. My son was drunk at the time, and, luckily wasn't in the car. I took his license away, appeared with him in court and made him pay (in cash) his court fees and fine out of his part time job. And even though it was a pain in the neck to drive him back and forth to work and to friends' houses, it was better than letting him drive again. We did this for six months. Then, it was another 6 months before we helped him get another car because we had moved to another state and his old "bad" friends were long gone. Now at 19 he tells me it was "just a phase" he was going through. He still smokes pot on occasion, but otherwise he works hard at his job, has gotten a couple of promotions and is generally doing much better.
We kept the lines of communication open, but we still had the climbing out the window at night and the drinking and pot smoking. It was he**, but we survived. Whatever you do, don't throw him out. Being on the street will only make things worse. Tighten your seat belt and prepare for a ride, but be there for him, he needs you right now.
[SIZE=2]We had a long talk with him yesterday and he says he doesn't want to move out and will try to follow our rules. I told him that I believe he means it but just doesn't have any selfcontrol. So for now, if he wants anything from us he'll have to prove that he deserves it before we give or do something for him. I also told him that we also have to work on the way we treat him and talk to him. I told him that I would hate to have to take away his car but it's the first thing I'm going to do if he doesn't follow our rules. I aslo told him that from now on when we go to bed, usually between 11 and 12, the door will be lock. So if he's late and doesn't call he'll have to sleep somewhere else. Today he asked to borrow $10 for gas to pickup a co-worker who said would pay him right back so we would get our money back in about 20min. So I ask him if he would do something in return and went and trimmed the grass around the house. I believe it's a start but we still have to get through the weekend.
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iriekate, I know that's what it sounds like but before we took away his house key, he didn't care about his curfew and would only come home when he felt like it. He'd sneek in to pickup stuff and off he went. How else am I supose to make him follow curfew? Lock him in the house??? What else should I do?
iriekate, I know that's what it sounds like but before we took away his house key, he didn't care about his curfew and would only come home when he felt like it. He'd sneek in to pickup stuff and off he went. How else am I supose to make him follow curfew? Lock him in the house??? What else should I do?
you said earlier "I told him that I would hate to have to take away his car but it's the first thing I'm going to do if he doesn't follow our rules." i think that's a good punishment.
it sounds like you guys had a good talk. keep those lines of communication open. when i was in his shoes, my mom and i used to play cards together. even just a few games were long enough to either have a good talk or just a time to enjoy each other's company.
this may be a dorky suggestion but take pictures of you guys when you're enjoying each other's company. i have NO pictures from when i was his age, especially pictures with my family and i think having those might have helped me think of good times instead of always remembering bad times/arguments. <3
iriekate, I know that's what it sounds like but before we took away his house key, he didn't care about his curfew and would only come home when he felt like it. He'd sneek in to pickup stuff and off he went. How else am I supose to make him follow curfew? Lock him in the house??? What else should I do?
You have to be firmer with your consequences. He is either IN by curfew or his car gets taken away.
When you tell him "the doors will be locked and you will have to find somewhere else to sleep" this is what he hears....."I don't have to be home by curfew if I have somewhere to stay for the night, no problem"
Passive/aggressive does not work with teenagers. They have to know you mean what you say and you say what you mean. Good luck to you.
[SIZE=2]We had a long talk with him yesterday and he says he doesn't want to move out and will try to follow our rules. I told him that I believe he means it but just doesn't have any selfcontrol. So for now, if he wants anything from us he'll have to prove that he deserves it before we give or do something for him. I also told him that we also have to work on the way we treat him and talk to him. I told him that I would hate to have to take away his car but it's the first thing I'm going to do if he doesn't follow our rules. I aslo told him that from now on when we go to bed, usually between 11 and 12, the door will be lock. So if he's late and doesn't call he'll have to sleep somewhere else. Today he asked to borrow $10 for gas to pickup a co-worker who said would pay him right back so we would get our money back in about 20min. So I ask him if he would do something in return and went and trimmed the grass around the house. I believe it's a start but we still have to get through the weekend.[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]
BTDT, and he just came in on time, and then climbed out his bedroom window. However, DD slept on the first floor so she kept me informed of his comings and goings. Of course, that put a MAJOR dent in their relationship, which to this day, three years later, is still bad.
What worked for us was JUST KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN. When my son was without his license I drove him to work, shopping, and to visit friends. We did a lot of talking. Him mostly complaining, me mostly smiling and saying "well, that's the way it is for now, sorry son." I emphasized over and over how proud we were of him when he made the right choices, and how disappointed we were when he didn't. Another time I had his cell phone cut off for two weeks, and all phone conversations had to take place on the family phone in the middle of the house. When I called the phone company, they told me they had requests to do that all the time.
I still don't trust him 100%, but we're getting there. But now he doesn't have to climb out windows because he's almost 20 years old, and can walk out the front door. He knows any problems he has now will involve the law because he's no longer a minor. Just take one day at a time.
I know that this is only the beginning and there's a long road ahead. I really appreciate all the advice that everyone has given me and like colleeng47 just suggested, we will take it one day at a time. I'll let you all know how things are going once the weekends over. (will probably need a lot more advice) THANKS EVERYONE !
[SIZE=2]We had a long talk with him yesterday and he says he doesn't want to move out and will try to follow our rules. I told him that I believe he means it but just doesn't have any selfcontrol. So for now, if he wants anything from us he'll have to prove that he deserves it before we give or do something for him. I also told him that we also have to work on the way we treat him and talk to him. I told him that I would hate to have to take away his car but it's the first thing I'm going to do if he doesn't follow our rules. I aslo told him that from now on when we go to bed, usually between 11 and 12, the door will be lock. So if he's late and doesn't call he'll have to sleep somewhere else. Today he asked to borrow $10 for gas to pickup a co-worker who said would pay him right back so we would get our money back in about 20min. So I ask him if he would do something in return and went and trimmed the grass around the house. I believe it's a start but we still have to get through the weekend.
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I think that's a good approach. He needs to learn that there are rules if he wants to live with parents, that the free ride is coming to an end. It doesn't hurt a kid to sleep in the car once or twice either because they came home to locked doors.
Different parents set different rules and what works for one child doesn't always work for another. It sounds like you're making progress.
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