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Yeh, I know, hot topic and people are going to get wound up. People feel so strongly about children. But please, try to keep it honest and not personal!
I've got 5 kids. The oldest was adopted when my husband and I got married. The other 4 I had at a really young age.
My mother told me when I was young that having kids was the only part of life worth living. She made it sound like a fantasy life. Leave it to Beaver.
So of course, all I could dream of was a huge turn of the century Victorian inspired farm house on a couple hundred acres, filled with kids and dogs.
I nearly filled the farm house, but by the time my oldest (by birth) started school, I realized it was nothing like my mom said it would be. No fantasy life by far.
My kids are older now, 16 to 24 years old. I love them immensely and wouldn't give them up for anything in the world.
BUT............
If I could go back in time and know then what I know now and not know what my kids would be like, I'd never, ever have had children.
There are some great things about being a parent. And I've had some wonderful times with my kids. And I think I've got some good children. They respect their elders, are polite and kind people. One is a fire fighter. One is running 2 restaurants. One is currently unemployed (he's my middle child, and my only problem child). The two youngest are in high school.
However, for me the good times do not outweigh the bad times. It doesn't outweigh the frustration, money, tears, struggles, etc.
Now, I'll be the first to tell you, I'm selfish as hell. I like to sleep in. I like a quiet clean home. I like to be able to hop in the car and go where I want, when I want, for how long I want. The years of diapers and nursing were hell for me. I'm sure my selfish nature had a massive part of that.
Because of all this, I've been very honest with my kids. They know how much I love them and I"d never give them up. But they also know that being a parent is an incredibly massive responsibility and for the most part very thankless. It's expensive and time consuming and you give up a lot of what you want to do for them. In those first years, everything has to revolve around them.
I want them to go into parenthood - if they choose to have children - with an honest knowledge of what it entails. I would never do to my kids what my mother did to me. And for the record, when my oldest started school and I was having a really bad day and talked to my mother, she admitted that she never enjoyed motherhood and just said that because she thought that's what she was supposed to say.
My kids all know that if the only grandkids I have are puppies, that I'm beyond thrilled with that decision. I won't be a typical grandma if they have kids, that's for sure. At least not now I won't. I don't like little kids. They're loud and cry all the time and they're always sticky and dirty. So I wouldn't be the type of grandma that says 'bring them over for the weekend'. Maybe someday, but it would definitely be a while.
Anyway, I guess the point was - do you regret having kids? Or not really regret it - well, maybe yes regret it too - or do you wish you'd done things different? Sooner, later, fewer kids, more kids? As I've gotten older and met more people and been totally honest about my feelings, I've actually met many mothers who feel the same way. And I've met many women who knew from the start they didn't want kids and have never regretted it. I've met some that didn't want kids and now wonder if they made the right decision. In other words I guess, did parenthood - or the lack of it - turn out as you expected and was it a good decision do you think?
I never had the slightest desire to have children, and though I know it is not typical, it was the right decision for me.
No, I never ever for one minute have regretted having my kids. Obviously I want to strangle them sometimes, and I've speculated about where I would be right now without a husband and/or children, but I've never wished that my life did not include them.
I think it's reallly, really sad that it took five (and in the case of another poster, six) children to realize that parenthood isn't 100% pony rides and rainbows. Slow learner?
And regarding how "honest" to be with kids about regretting motherhood: Children have the right to feel unconditionally loved by their parents--and telling them "I love you since you're here, yeah, but if I had it to do over again I never would have had you" pretty much blows that deal. Sheesh.
Agreed. I was trying to stay away from this one (thread) because I honestly don't see that ANY good can come out of telling your children that "life would have been easier or better" if they weren't there....
No matter what,even as an adult,even if the adult hearing it would not admit it, that has to hurt somewhere deep inside.
If you children are saying they understand,I truly think they are trying to prevent hurting the op's feelings.
I just can't understand how it wouldn't hurt them somehow.
Yes,life can be challenging and difficult with children,and there are certainly days when it would be nice to be able to just pick up and go somewhere "you" want to go,or to come home every single day to a nice ,clean quiet home. I know I would LOVE for my home to be clean & quiet. But then you hear those little footsteps in the morning coming to say "hi" and I can't imagine saying that my life would basically be better without those little footsteps.... hmmmmm.
My mom never really told me that life was rosy & grand with children,but I know that she also NEVER said life would be better without the 4 of us.
I know there were times she wanted to probably run away and that she was disappointed in things that myself and my siblings did,but that is part of life. There will be sad,happy,challenging,care free,disappointing,proud,etc... moments.
Being loved and respected is also a part of life and being told that things would have been better without them certainly in my book,doesn't deserve any respect.
If that is the way a person feels,it should be shared with other adults (such as here) but not to their children,even if they are adults now!
If any adult is not already aware that their parents lives would have been easier without having kids, then they must be really slow and have no comprehension of what parenting entails. Do I think it needs to be discussed, not really. But I do think people need to not be sugarcoating the erality of having kisd either. And it's even worse in this economy, where people are struggling to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.
My favorite school program is the one where they send igh school kids home with those baby dolls that need fed, rocked and changed for a week. That really opens their eyes - or closes them depending on how you want to say it - LOL. I wish someone would have thought of that program a long time ago. (Note - it would have had no effect on me, I'm just saying this for the benefit of all teenagers, except that I might have saved my money for a hysterectomy).
I don't understand it taking FOUR kids to realize this though. Yes, it's a shocker if you're not used to children and then you have one. Wow. A lot of work! Then you have a 2nd b/c most don't want to ahve an only child. OK, this in my mind is where you stop and decide whether you are loving this so much you just HAVE to have another one or two. Or you decide this is a lot of time and work, and having a 3rd would be exponentially harder than having 2 (which it is) and you don't want that.
How do you get to four kids before realizing motherhood is not the thing for you?
And never tell your children that. Never. You "warning" your kids so much is the same thing your mother did to you in reverse--setting parenting up in a certain light. You can tell them it's hard, tell them it's wonderful, tell them it depends on the parent how hard/wonderful it is. But don't make it out to be horrible any more than you shouldn't make it out to be a bed of roses. That's your reality, but not the reality of many.
You have no idea what life would be like with TWO kids, or one kid. Saying you'd rather not have any is extreme. Having FIVE kids is extreme. How about things in moderation? Two kids. One kid. It doesn't have to be five or nothing.
Geez people, who ever said no anything about telling a kid that their parent feels they would have a better life if said kid had never been born. No one said to make it personal. You people really have a comprehension problem. My mom never said which ones of us she wishes weren't born (though there is one I'm sure that crosses the entire family's collective mind), just that she thinks she would have been happier with fewer kids. She never did name one of us.
You people are just overly sensitive and personalize this a bit too much. Speaking in general terms, it's not hateful, damaging, or wrong to tell your kids "follow my example and don't do what I did. Don't overwhelm yourself." In other words, once you think you've reached your limit, STOP! Even if it means having none, one, or ten.
Burden them? It's not a burden for them to carry. When it's a fact, it's just a truth. It doesn't mean mom loves the kids any less, it just means life would have been better/easier for a myriad of reasons. Economics, personal, etc. And who's talking about telling a child? Of course you don't do that to a young child, as they're so self-centered, of course they'd be hurt. But teens and adult kids, they won't be damaged, they could handle the reality of their own family. The key is not to frame it as the child's fault, but of the parent's own actions.
In my own case, it was me and my sibs that gave my mom the ok to say her life would have been better if she hadn't had so many kids. Of course she denied it at first, but we called her BS on it. And we all know it's true, but we all know it's not our fault. And we don't cry about it, and we're not "burdened" with it . I don't believe I've thought about this in years, until this thread. No damage here.
Honestly, it's no crime to say the cold hard truth to your teens and adult children. But the way a lot of parents these days are to afraid to do that, it's no wonder so many kids are... "soft."
Really, kids have to be told parenthood is not all Kodak moments and sticky kisses.
In reality though, you have no idea whether your life or your mother's life would have been better if she'd had 3 kids. It's an idea you've created about what life in your home would have been like with 3 kids. You didn't live that life so you don't know. Maybe you would have hated it, wished for more, who knows. Regrets on things like this are useless b/c you only have your fantasy of the alternative, not the reality.
Well, all "truths" don't need to be said to all people. Even though it doesn't make logical sense, I think most people, even adults, deep-down would interpret this as "rejection" even though maybe it isn't personal. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting kids know that parenthood is hard work and not all roses, but when we insinuate to our kids that maybe we would have been happier had they never been born, I think a line is crossed.
I agree. There is no way to say that to a child of any age w/o hurting feelings. Not normal hurt feelings, but the kind that child would probably carry for the rest of her life. Honestly, I probably had kids because it seemed like "what you do." Not because I wanted them soooo bad. It was more like, well, I'm almost 30. If we're going to have them, better do it now. I think the OP needs to take some personal responsibility. Having 5 kids is a decision she made herself. My mom keeps begging me to have just one more, too. I'm not going to because it is MY decision.
No, it isn't. It's perfectly normal for some, just as it's perfectly normal for others to have 5.
What I mean by that is that you might have loved having one or two. If I'd had 5, I'd probably be insane, but I realized that before getting to 5. You might have loved having none, or you might be sad and lonely. You might have loved having one or two. You went so extreme w/the number of kids that you're thinking having ANY kids would be so hard, etc etc. That might not have been your experience if you'd just slowed down and had only one. or two. You might not be wishing for none, you might be like "wow, this is perfect." you just don't know.
I never had the slightest desire to have children, and though I know it is not typical, it was the right decision for me.
Now that makes sense to me. You take it one at a time. If you don't want any, that's perfect for you, and makes sense not to have any! The grass is greener thing of the OP, however, does not make sense to me. Nor does getting to 5 kids before realizing how hard children are.
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. I don't believe I've thought about this in years, until this thread. No damage here.