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I was the late in life unexpected child. I was the happy kid and my parents always told me how wonderful it was to have me. I was truly loved.
As I grew older, I asked my mom about having me. She said that their life would have been different without me. Not better or worse, but different. In reference to my other siblings, she said that she grew up in time where you were expected to have kids and that is what they did.
I asked if she ever regretted having children. She said absolutely not, but always wondered what life would have been like without us. So - I think I grew up with a clear idea of the benefits/disadvantages of having kids.
Well, we elected not to have kids. My mom has sat on the sidelines and watched our life. It merely confirmed her feelings that life would have been different.
Since I don't have kids, I really don't miss them. However, if I'd had them - I would have loved them. But I would have always wondered what it would have been like without them!
My mother told me when I was young that having kids was the only part of life worth living. She made it sound like a fantasy life. Leave it to Beaver.
So of course, all I could dream of was a huge turn of the century Victorian inspired farm house on a couple hundred acres, filled with kids and dogs.
That's unfortunate, both for her & you. Seems as if you were raised with false expectations in life & impossible expectations.
I do not think that parenting is for everyone. Some moms honestly do severly struggle and are much happier once the kids are grown and out of the house. I have a good family friend who had 6 kids in 4 1/2yrs and dreaded every second of it until #6 was out of the house. That is not to say her kids were not loved & taken care of; but that this "role" in her life was not positive for her.
I want them to go into parenthood - if they choose to have children - with an honest knowledge of what it entails. I would never do to my kids what my mother did to me. And for the record, when my oldest started school and I was having a really bad day and talked to my mother, she admitted that she never enjoyed motherhood and just said that because she thought that's what she was supposed to say.
I do agree with the OP about being honest with the kids about the huge responsibility of being a parent.
My oldest, a girl, is only 10. She doesn't play with dolls, but loves stuffed animals. I tell her that having kids is a wonderful thing, but just be ready for it will consume your every moment of your life for some time. Basically I'm hoping she'll wait for a while, get her education, etc... before she starts a family.
I have two others, my youngest, a boy, turns 3 next week, is a big challenge. I still though look forward to coming home from work every day and seeing them and playing with them.
I already get a sad feeling thinking of what life will be like when they are grown up and moved out of the house. It will be very quiet, thats for sure.
I wish could have had my kids a few years earlier because I had more energy in my 20's than in my 30's. I love my kids and I feel like I have the perfect family. One boy and one girl with a great husband. I was married without children for almost 8 years and I hated it. Boring.
I can tell that you love your kids dearly and I think that you are just being honest. Nothing wrong with honesty. I know I don't want to have kids as seeing the struggles my mom went through with me and her being a single parent. I like my alone time, free time- you can't have that when you have kids.
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Originally Posted by mrs1885
Yeh, I know, hot topic and people are going to get wound up. People feel so strongly about children. But please, try to keep it honest and not personal!
I've got 5 kids. The oldest was adopted when my husband and I got married. The other 4 I had at a really young age.
My mother told me when I was young that having kids was the only part of life worth living. She made it sound like a fantasy life. Leave it to Beaver.
So of course, all I could dream of was a huge turn of the century Victorian inspired farm house on a couple hundred acres, filled with kids and dogs.
I nearly filled the farm house, but by the time my oldest (by birth) started school, I realized it was nothing like my mom said it would be. No fantasy life by far.
My kids are older now, 16 to 24 years old. I love them immensely and wouldn't give them up for anything in the world.
BUT............
If I could go back in time and know then what I know now and not know what my kids would be like, I'd never, ever have had children.
There are some great things about being a parent. And I've had some wonderful times with my kids. And I think I've got some good children. They respect their elders, are polite and kind people. One is a fire fighter. One is running 2 restaurants. One is currently unemployed (he's my middle child, and my only problem child). The two youngest are in high school.
However, for me the good times do not outweigh the bad times. It doesn't outweigh the frustration, money, tears, struggles, etc.
Now, I'll be the first to tell you, I'm selfish as hell. I like to sleep in. I like a quiet clean home. I like to be able to hop in the car and go where I want, when I want, for how long I want. The years of diapers and nursing were hell for me. I'm sure my selfish nature had a massive part of that.
Because of all this, I've been very honest with my kids. They know how much I love them and I"d never give them up. But they also know that being a parent is an incredibly massive responsibility and for the most part very thankless. It's expensive and time consuming and you give up a lot of what you want to do for them. In those first years, everything has to revolve around them.
I want them to go into parenthood - if they choose to have children - with an honest knowledge of what it entails. I would never do to my kids what my mother did to me. And for the record, when my oldest started school and I was having a really bad day and talked to my mother, she admitted that she never enjoyed motherhood and just said that because she thought that's what she was supposed to say.
My kids all know that if the only grandkids I have are puppies, that I'm beyond thrilled with that decision. I won't be a typical grandma if they have kids, that's for sure. At least not now I won't. I don't like little kids. They're loud and cry all the time and they're always sticky and dirty. So I wouldn't be the type of grandma that says 'bring them over for the weekend'. Maybe someday, but it would definitely be a while.
Anyway, I guess the point was - do you regret having kids? Or not really regret it - well, maybe yes regret it too - or do you wish you'd done things different? Sooner, later, fewer kids, more kids? As I've gotten older and met more people and been totally honest about my feelings, I've actually met many mothers who feel the same way. And I've met many women who knew from the start they didn't want kids and have never regretted it. I've met some that didn't want kids and now wonder if they made the right decision. In other words I guess, did parenthood - or the lack of it - turn out as you expected and was it a good decision do you think?
I suspect my mother is also someone who found parenting overwhelming and was relieved when my youngest sibling moved out on his own. Wisely, she kept these thoughts to herself. Being a mother is exhausting work, and children can be extremely unpleasant. We are often fraught with worry and feelings of failure.
I'm happy that the OP has summoned the gumption to express doubts about whether or not it is worth it, because I think the whole "motherhood is wonderful" thing does all of us a disservice. That said, I also think that these feelings are best shared between mothers and that we protect our children from hearing the harsh truth directly from our mouths. A vague "some days were very hard, but we got through it" is more than enough.
If I went back and knew then what I know now, no, I'd not have had kids.
In my mind, this statement equals OP's indifference if her kids were in the world or not. This is what struck me, not that I didn't understand the post.
If you hadn't known you own kids, if they had forever been just monthly passing eggs, never developed, that's one thing. But actually seeing the fine men and women that you raised, and still saying that you could go back and do without them, that's {{{{creepy}}}}}
Maybe OP is one of those people on the "I want to be childless" train but who actually had the misfortune to have kids...
My only concern is, kids are sensitive to their parents attitudes... If parenting was mostly negative for you, you must have then caused some problems in your kids, unwittingly, unknowingly... Maybe clipped their wings in a sense... set them for failure just like your mom did to you?
Well, I can unfortunately kinda be "all about kaykay" at times too, but for me, having my son in my life trumped the hard times. Now we only had one and I admit, that had to be easier from a practical standpoint I would think. It was probably a lot easier for me to get my "alone time" in.
My only regret is that he died eight years ago this month at age 16. Since then, I feel like my husband & I lost something we can never recover. Sometimes I (somewhat) jokingly repeat the line from the old Simon & Garfunkle song, "I am a Rock"~~~ "If I'd never loved, I never would have cried..." But I don't really mean it.
I think you have probably over-glamourised NOT having children. I think sometimes we tend to do that about whichever path we DIDN'T take. But you have to think about things like...do you really want to grow old without family in your life? Do you really want to spend your Christmases and every holiday by yourself while all your friends are with their kids and grandkids? Maybe this kind of thing doesn't bother you. It does me.
I really appreciate the OP's honestly. I'm a dad to 2 very little ones (2 and 8 months). I can't go so far at this point to say I regret having them, but there are days where I really miss having some selfish moments...and I'm not the one who is home with them all day! I think the only way I can sum it up is this--The happiest and most joyful moments in my life and the hardest, most frustrating moments in my life have all involved my kids. But no, I don't regret having them.
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but for me, having my son in my life trumped the hard times. Now we only had one and I admit, that had to be easier from a practical standpoint I would think. It was probably a lot easier for me to get my "alone time" in.