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Can your kids trust you, as much as you expect them to be trustworthy? How far are you willing to go on an honor system, and how far do they have a right to expect you to go?
If there are trust issues in your relationship with your kids, who betrayed whose trust first? Be honest.
We follow the Golden Rule in our house. Treat others as you would want to be treated. This goes for everything, including having enough integrity and respect to be trustworthy in all areas.
That being said - as children grow, there will always be times when the truth is hidden, but I have always told them there will never be ANYTHING that stays hidden for long. Mom always finds out eventually, and the truth costs them far less trouble than a lie. Regardless of the situation, the truth always prevails - eventually.
I have learned some interesting things since my older boys have come into their own - stealing street signs, then taking them back - goofy things like that - and living in a small town their entire life left them very little wiggle room. Usually my phone was ringing before they walked in the door.
My trust and truth with them? As much as I feel as a parent I can give them. Some things children have NO NEED to know. They do not need to worry about relationships, money, etc. - unless things are about to crash and there is no turning back. Then they get the truth . The trust is never an issue - they know I would lay down my life for them, secrets stop with mom, and there is no question they can come to me about anything without being judged. They may be listening to me on my soapbox - but ' I told you so' is not something I utter, unless it is a situation where they didn't think they could do something, but mastered it. It's always been that way.
Okay, I have spilled my side, but reading through your other posts - what are you driving at? Something going on? Have you been betrayed? Or are you seeking justification for something?
Curious - why do you ask?
Why is everybody fighting so hard to defend the principle that parents ought to do sneaky things to teach their kids to not be sneaky? Because that's the way you raised yours?
Ii know you're bored with me now, but Im going to tell you an anecdote anyway. I once acquired a girl friend who came accompanied by an 8-year-old daughter. The daughter hated me, and did everythign possible to remove this threat to her exclusive claim to her mom's love. One day Mom agreed to watch a neighbor girl for the day, but Mom got called in to work, so she asked me to watch them. I told the girls to get in the car, and I took them to a park. I took a book along , sat down to read, and told them "Don't go where I can't see you". They started asking "Can we . . ." and I replied "I just gave you ALL the rules---don't go where I can't see you". Knowing that they could do anything they wanted as long as the didn't break the rule---they did. At 5 oclock they looked like survivors of a plane crash in the jungle, but they were the two happiest kids I've ever seen. From that day to this, that girl and I have been best friends forever. All I needed to do to gain her unqualified trust was to show her that she had mine. I was in her life for 2 years, she is now 30, and I'm the only person in the world that she calls Dad. She didn't have to be someone I could be proud of---but she wanted to be.
Why is everybody fighting so hard to defend the principle that parents ought to do sneaky things to teach their kids to not be sneaky? Because that's the way you raised yours?
You've become accusatory. I'm finished. This thread is going nowhere. Good luck to you.
Okay, I have spilled my side, but reading through your other posts - what are you driving at? Something going on? Have you been betrayed? Or are you seeking justification for something?
Curious - why do you ask?
I asked because I read so many thresds on here about parents who say they cannot trust their kids. Trust between two people is pretty easy to arrange, if both of them recognize that it is a two-way street. Kids have a pretty keen sense of perception. I hear parents saying "I always know when my kids are lying". Well, guess what. The kids know when the parents are lying, too. Try having an affiar sometime. Your kids will suspect it before your spouse does.
Fundamentally, I think kids are pretty good people. I know a lot of grosn-ups who aren't. Maybe I'm just rooting for the underdog.
That two way street has to be taught, first of all, and earned secondly by the child. As you teach, beginning at the age in which a child is able to disobey, or just do something they are not aware is wrong, it is up to the parent to teach the child right from wrong. If you see the behaviour continually turning toward 'the dark side', you cannot trust your child will do the right thing.
When that situation arises, as a parent- it is your responsibility to 'police' your child by whatever means needed. Kids need rules and guidelines. They need boundaries. Only parents can teach these things, and kids crave this sort of guidance. The kids out of control are the ones screaming for a parent to care about what they do wrong - usually that's why begin to act up in the first place.
Kids do deserve trust if they have shown themselves to be trustworthy. Parents should be trustworthy to the child in that they will be cared for - discipline included in that. Kids do not need to know every detail of a parent's life. As long as they child is loved, taught and well taken care of - there is nothing else to be said. My children do not need to know what I do behind closed doors - but as long as they are in my house and underage (or of age, for that matter), my rules apply and they will follow them. Period. If I smell something, and they have given me a reason NOT to trust, you better believe I will snoop, confront, whatever - to fix the situation.
The parent must be the parent. There is no other negotiation.
As far as affairs are concerned, yes, I believe that is a betrayal to the entire family. Sadly, it happens every day. But, again, kids do not need the details - they just need to know the plan if and when it comes to a point of being laid on the table. They only need to be assured they are loved, they did nothing to cause it, and life may be different, but it will go on. Curious - not accusatory - from your words, I wonder... did you get caught? Are your kids holding you responsible?
Lastly, kids are a product of their parents and society. You can have the best parents in the world, but the most rotten child if the world has gotten hold of him. Ever heard the old saying 'there is nothing worse than the Preacher's kid'? Generally true, very true. And, you can have horrible parents but kids good as gold.
Kids are not the underdog - they are little people hopefully being raised to be responsible adults.
Ever heard the old saying 'there is nothing worse than the Preacher's kid'? Generally true, very true. And, you can have horrible parents but kids good as gold. .
I hope I don't sound overely-sarcastic if I reply "Then, don't be a preacher!"
Jtur88 we are talking about apples and oranges here. You are discussing a child that you know by association with a girlfriend. You are not her father nor mother. You don't have the same responsibilities the others in this tread are discussing. She may call you Dad, like my daughters call my husband Dad Mark. He is their stepfather. He doesn't understand either. Believe me it just isn't the same thing. I don't know how to explain it... I have tried to explain it to him. When he didn't get it I appealed to his mother to explain it to him. SHE understood but still he just didn't get it. It might just be a "parent responsibility" thing.
Believe me it just isn't the same thing. I don't know how to explain it... I have tried to explain it to him. When he didn't get it I appealed to his mother to explain it to him. SHE understood but still he just didn't get it. It might just be a "parent responsibility" thing.
If you can't explain to anybody why it isn't the same thing, maybe it IS the same thing. Do you know that it considered insulting to a person to roll your eyes, just because you have failed to explain something satisfactorily?
Maybe mothers and fathers see this differently. Mayb a father, not having given physical birth, sees rsponsibility for a child as somthing that he voluntariy assumes, instead of having it thrust upon him, and regards that rsponsibility as being valid whether or not there is a biological link. If you also had a stepchild, would you consider your children to be "apples and oranges"?
I used that anecdote only to illustrate how the additiion of subtraction of the perception of mutual trust can have immediate and powerful impact on the behavior of the individuals involved, which is the topic at hand. It was not intended for you to draw wide-ranging subtexts of "apples and oranges" relationships that your husband does or does not comprehend, which trigger you to roll your eyes.
This thread is confusing at best and impssible at worst.
I am a biomomma and a stepmomma, both full time. I trust the kids to leave dirty laundry on the floor and they trust me to make sure they're taken care of. I agree, simple rules do help build not only trust, but confidence.
The oldest was getting bad grades... I took away his prized privilage. He now has to bring a letter stating he has completed work/shown up for tutoring. He can trust that I'll ask for it before he gets his activity back. He also learns that it is up to him to follow through.
The youngest has had lying spells... she knows that there will be consequences. The lying has little to do with punishment and everything to do with being too eager to do something she wants to do.
do I snoop.... nope.... not until I have a reason to.
I have and will admit I am not perfect and that I do not expect them to be. Kids have bad days just like adults do. The kids have talked to my momma and have heard stories of the mischif I got into as a child/teen.
I do not lie to the kids.... that being said, I have told them that some things aren't any of their business or they are too young to worry about (ie when an 8 yo asks what tampons are for or a 10 yo asks about why I left his father, he is now 14 and it still isn't any of his business, I was not unfaitful BTW)
I trust my kids to be ..... kids and they can trust that I'll take care of them.... that includes consequences for misdeeds or bad behavior.
If you can't explain to anybody why it isn't the same thing, maybe it IS the same thing. Do you know that it considered insulting to a person to roll your eyes, just because you have failed to explain something satisfactorily?
Maybe mothers and fathers see this differently. Mayb a father, not having given physical birth, sees rsponsibility for a child as somthing that he voluntariy assumes, instead of having it thrust upon him, and regards that rsponsibility as being valid whether or not there is a biological link. If you also had a stepchild, would you consider your children to be "apples and oranges"?
I used that anecdote only to illustrate how the additiion of subtraction of the perception of mutual trust can have immediate and powerful impact on the behavior of the individuals involved, which is the topic at hand. It was not intended for you to draw wide-ranging subtexts of "apples and oranges" relationships that your husband does or does not comprehend, which trigger you to roll your eyes.
I have to agree with many in this thread - not only is this really going nowhere and seem to have no meaning whatsoever - but it is impossible to answer/relate/explain things to someone who believes he has the ultimate answer and truly does not want input unless it agrees with his line of thinking.
I believe all who have participated here have given honest heart felt answers, and sometimes rolling one's eyes indicates not an insult to another person because THEY have failed - rather frustration because the other party has a closed mind and cannot be reached with any words or actions.
Additionally - trust between parents and children is not the same as between two adults. It cannot be, as life experience puts the young and old in separate stages - and sometimes you just have to TRUST that is the TRUTH.
As many have said, kids do not need all the ultimate details of an adults life. I surely - even at my age - do not want the intimate details of my parents lives. Kids need to be kids and worry only about their corner of the world, and TRUST, as others have said, that mom and dad will be there to pick up the pieces of whatever falls or needs fixing.
"I used that anecdote only to illustrate how the additiion of subtraction of the perception of mutual trust can have immediate and powerful impact on the behavior of the individuals involved, which is the topic at hand. It was not intended for you to draw wide-ranging subtexts of "apples and oranges" relationships that your husband does or does not comprehend, which trigger you to roll your eyes." Regardless of what you intended it to be, when asking a question to the 'world', many responses will come - some of which you may not like. You need to TRUST in that, and expect many of us are rolling our eyes at this entire conversation. That was not intended as a sarcastic comment from me - rather my frustration at continuing to chase my tail, and wondering why I have given so much effort to this thread.
Have a wonderful day, wonderful life, and my prayers are with you that eventually you find the answers you seek. In that, you can defintely TRUST.
Happy Holidays!
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