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this is pretty complicated, but I could use some wise words other than "give the kids space, they'll come around some-day". It's gotten to the point where his 2 girls, age 12 & 16 won't even see him on his designated weekends. Now they're finding reasons not to see him on the holidays. We don't know how to react. Their mother refuses to let go her hatred of him for divorcing him over 6 years ago.
I'm so frustrated....I don't know what to do but want to do something!
this is pretty complicated, but I could use some wise words other than "give the kids space, they'll come around some-day". It's gotten to the point where his 2 girls, age 12 & 16 won't even see him on his designated weekends. Now they're finding reasons not to see him on the holidays. We don't know how to react. Their mother refuses to let go her hatred of him for divorcing him over 6 years ago.
I'm so frustrated....I don't know what to do but want to do something!
The absolute BEST THING he can do is to suck it up and take the high road. He must act loving toward them, even when they are being unloving. He must never say a bad word about their mother, or let them get any impression he dislikes her. He must stay upbeat and positive. This is a slow process, so tell him to be patient! EVENTUALLY, the kids will figure out mom is the troublemaker and she will reap what she has sown. Just give them time, kids usually come around. As for you step-mom? YOU have to stay completely out of the situation. No pleading with them on his behalf, no getting angry at them for rejecting him and hurting his feelings right now - nothing. If you interject yourself into this you just make the process take longer, okay?
i agree....
we have had this on the opposite end...i have custody of my daughter, my husband and i have been married since she was 3 (shes 14 now) Her biofather and his gf have badmouthed us to her every chance they get for the last 10yrs. Whats really sad, is they also allow, and encourage, his gfs daughter to do this as well. So, my daughter has come back from visits all upset from things they have said about our family. Our response to this has really been 'Oh, Im sorry they feel that way" "Im sorry that what they chose to say hurt your feelings" "that must have made you upset" (we then go to another room and vent out of her range) its been really really really hard not to go off on them, to freak out over some of the nasty things they have said, or tell her some of the terrible truths about them! But, only within these last 2 yrs or so, the truth has finally begun to dawn on her. She is seeing the truths on her OWN w/o our vocal interference. During her last visit, the GFs daughter started going off about me and my husband. All about how my daughter doesnt need to listen to him because "Hes just some guy your mom lives with...he's NOTHING to you" and how "he doesnt care about you like he does his real kids (we have 2 more children from our marriage together) and he's stupid anyhow" and the ex and his gf sat there and let this 12yr old go on and on like this. When something went wrong, the big joke there is "Oh, i must have done it like Tiffany would have" or if someone says something dumb, its "Oh, you said an E/Tiffany" ..sigh.....they tell her they cant do things because he has to pay over 500.00mnth child support...well, he is only set at 200.00mtn and is almost 10grand in arrears because he wont pay it (and I never thought it was something my daughter needed to be concerned about, so she knew nothing about it) anyhow, mean spiteful things, all the time, all these years. And only now, its begining to turn back on them. She, in the last few months only, has began to tell her father "I dont like what youre saying about my mom and dad!!!" "Its hurting me that you guys talk about, and let G talk about my family like you do" ...of course, its not getting through to them, but that just makes it more clear to her. So, just keep on being neutral. DONT say anything negative about them. My daughter has thanked us for doing just that. Its hard, but you'll all get through this. Much better than they will in the long run!!! It'll come back to bite em in the a@@!
And he should never give up trying to visit or letting them know that he wants them to be with him. If he develops the "it's not worth the aggravation" or "why bother she's not going to let me have them or they don't want to come anyway" attitude, when they do realize what their mother has done, they will still be mad at him because he didn't fight harder for them. This is what happened with my step-father and his 3 sons. Not fair for your husband-I know, but until his girls are adults, it's what he'll have to do if he wants a relationship with them once they're grown. I guess he could also try taking her back to court to get some mandated counseling or parenting classes to try and change her behaviour, but I don't know how all that works.
i agree....
we have had this on the opposite end...i have custody of my daughter, my husband and i have been married since she was 3 (shes 14 now) Her biofather and his gf have badmouthed us to her every chance they get for the last 10yrs. Whats really sad, is they also allow, and encourage, his gfs daughter to do this as well. So, my daughter has come back from visits all upset from things they have said about our family. Our response to this has really been 'Oh, Im sorry they feel that way" "Im sorry that what they chose to say hurt your feelings" "that must have made you upset" (we then go to another room and vent out of her range) its been really really really hard not to go off on them, to freak out over some of the nasty things they have said, or tell her some of the terrible truths about them! But, only within these last 2 yrs or so, the truth has finally begun to dawn on her. She is seeing the truths on her OWN w/o our vocal interference. During her last visit, the GFs daughter started going off about me and my husband. All about how my daughter doesnt need to listen to him because "Hes just some guy your mom lives with...he's NOTHING to you" and how "he doesnt care about you like he does his real kids (we have 2 more children from our marriage together) and he's stupid anyhow" and the ex and his gf sat there and let this 12yr old go on and on like this. When something went wrong, the big joke there is "Oh, i must have done it like Tiffany would have" or if someone says something dumb, its "Oh, you said an E/Tiffany" ..sigh.....they tell her they cant do things because he has to pay over 500.00mnth child support...well, he is only set at 200.00mtn and is almost 10grand in arrears because he wont pay it (and I never thought it was something my daughter needed to be concerned about, so she knew nothing about it) anyhow, mean spiteful things, all the time, all these years. And only now, its begining to turn back on them. She, in the last few months only, has began to tell her father "I dont like what youre saying about my mom and dad!!!" "Its hurting me that you guys talk about, and let G talk about my family like you do" ...of course, its not getting through to them, but that just makes it more clear to her. So, just keep on being neutral. DONT say anything negative about them. My daughter has thanked us for doing just that. Its hard, but you'll all get through this. Much better than they will in the long run!!! It'll come back to bite em in the a@@!
I believe there is a special corner in hell for "parents" like this.
You are doing the right thing - keep it up - they WILL reap what they sow and be very lonely later down the line.
Thanks for your input, it really means a lot. I realize my husband and I don't have it as rough as many others in similar situations, and this conflict is still fairly new for me. Several years ago I had 2 other stepkids who I helped raise alongside my own son. Their parents put aside their differences and worked with each other for the sake of the children. Those kids turned out great! I'm still close friends with both of them and their families, and their mother is someone I consider a friend. So I'm not new to the step situation. But the hatred and lying my husband's kids are living with un-nerves me.
I know that your advice is wise, and we have been trying to do the right thing. My husband has NEVER said anything bad to them about their mother. The only thing he said was that there are 2 sides to every story and if they ever want to hear his side, they need to ask him. I have just tried to be friendly and open, altho the younger girl has needed some reminding to do things like wash her face, take a shower, etc. Her dad is fine with me speaking up about those things. He trusts my judgement.
We're supposed to have his girls come over tomorrow for Thanksgiving and through Friday. They don't want to stay overnight, and don't want to eat Thanksgiving dinner with us because their mom is having family in from out-of-town for a big meal. Just a dirty trick she's pulling because she knows it's his turn to have them for the holiday this year. My problem with this is....I feel nervous having them here tomorrow because I don't know how to behave around them anymore now that a lot of negative stuff has happened since Father's Day. Guess we'll get through it, but instead of looking forward to a happy family time, we're both nervous and angry at their mom. Then there's Christmas to deal with.........
Thanks for your input, it really means a lot. I realize my husband and I don't have it as rough as many others in similar situations, and this conflict is still fairly new for me. Several years ago I had 2 other stepkids who I helped raise alongside my own son. Their parents put aside their differences and worked with each other for the sake of the children. Those kids turned out great! I'm still close friends with both of them and their families, and their mother is someone I consider a friend. So I'm not new to the step situation. But the hatred and lying my husband's kids are living with un-nerves me.
I know that your advice is wise, and we have been trying to do the right thing. My husband has NEVER said anything bad to them about their mother. The only thing he said was that there are 2 sides to every story and if they ever want to hear his side, they need to ask him. I have just tried to be friendly and open, altho the younger girl has needed some reminding to do things like wash her face, take a shower, etc. Her dad is fine with me speaking up about those things. He trusts my judgement.
We're supposed to have his girls come over tomorrow for Thanksgiving and through Friday. They don't want to stay overnight, and don't want to eat Thanksgiving dinner with us because their mom is having family in from out-of-town for a big meal. Just a dirty trick she's pulling because she knows it's his turn to have them for the holiday this year. My problem with this is....I feel nervous having them here tomorrow because I don't know how to behave around them anymore now that a lot of negative stuff has happened since Father's Day. Guess we'll get through it, but instead of looking forward to a happy family time, we're both nervous and angry at their mom. Then there's Christmas to deal with.........
I know it is tough, but you simply HAVE to rise about your emotions on this one. If you don't you could be smiling and saying nice things but it won't matter because they will sense the bad vibes. Just make up your mind that you are going to have a pleasant day and smile, smile, smile! Remember too, living well is the best revenge (against the mom). Good luck!
Thanks lovesmountains...I totally agree. On both your posts!
NewWife, Lovesmountains is right, you do have to rise above....Try to focus on the positives, but DONT go overboard and all gushy either. Just keep on a friendly, open, even keel.
You'll be fine....i have great faith you can get through this in a good way.
as long as the kids best interests are in your heart, it will be good in the long run (hey, maybe even the short run! lol )
Good luck!!
thank you so much.....I needed a little pep talk! I need to remember that no one can affect me unless I allow it. I'll let you know how the holiday goes.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, all!
I agree about not participating in the bad-mouthing and just keep on being a loving and responsible Dad. I would like to add that even at 16, it is not really up to the kids whether dad gets his visitation time. I believe he needs to go pick them up (or whatever the court order dictates) and if Mom does not produce them, he should be willing to file contempt of order through the courts.
Someday the kids may remember it differently or Mom may plant in their heads that Dad doesn't want to see them.
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On both your posts! 
thanks......
