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I am so sorry you and your husband are having to go through this.
It's always a shame when people choose to hate their exes more than they love their children.
I'm a step-mom that's gone thru a somewhat similar situation so I feel your pain. It's hard to watch your husband hurt so deeply by those he loves the most.
My best advise is to have him inform them that he's sorry they have made the choice they have but he'll always be there if they need him. The worst thing he could do right now is try to force them to spend time with you. They are teenagers, female and someone else has their Daddy.
I can't predict a rosy future but I'll hope and pray that they come around.
thank you! I believe you're right in what you say. I'm not sure what he'll say to them but he's deeply hurt by how the Thanksgiving situation was handled by the girls. It'll be hard for him to say he'll be there for them because right now he's having to deal with the hurt. Eventually he will probably tell them that.
It grieves me to discover that so many divorces end up with one parent hurting the other through the kids, and hurt the kids in the process.
I just went into a detailed narrative on the experiences of my hubby & his girls during the time before I met him because I wanted to explain that they were positive experiences for the girls. I messed up and lost it all while trying to post it!!! AAHHHGG!!
So, a shorter version:
When I first started this thread, I said it was complicated. This is the complicated part....After a nasty, long divorce from his first wife, my hubby met a gal who moved right in with him. He admits now that he moved way too fast in marrying her, but wanted a solid home life for his girls when they stayed with him. Wife #2 turned out to have a mess of problems. She is addicted to prescription drugs and invented new illnesses to get them. There was non-stop doctors, ambulances, emergency rooms, car wrecks, rehabs, stealing, lying, etc. So he divorced her too after trying to fix her for 3 years. The kids got along fine with her at first, but the older one finally got cynical and saw through the lies.
We discovered a few months ago that both ex-wives have become close friends, altho they HATED each other during the 2nd marriage. The kids have admitted that wife #2 visits them and their mom and the 2 women bash their dad in front of them. Now the older daughter resents Dad for throwing #2 out and calls her "my second mommy".
Sorry this is so long, that's why I didn't write it all in my original post.
It's hard to believe those 2 women are so full of hate. I do believe that their goal was to cause him grief by alienating the girls against him. They both realize that the only way to really hurt him is through the kids. #2 has tried frequently calling him, emailing him and me, and even emailed the girls and making fun of me.
Now that they've succeeded, I wonder what the next goal is....I don't think they'll ever feel like they've punished him enough for leaving them.
Hell hath no fury....(like a woman scorned).
Here's the hard truth - your husband can do NOTHING to change the past or his daughters present feelings for him. He screwed up. Doesn't make him a bad guy, just human. But kids are like elephants, they never forgot. What has to happen now is they have to grow up. Only time and maturity will fix this relationship.
Your job is to support him, love him and make a good life with him, but to stay the heck away from his kids - don't write them notes, don't call them, nothing. All attempts at contact at this point should come from him alone. His job is to continue to show these kids how much he loves them - not attempt to manipulate or guilt them into being a part or your family. I KNOW it will be hard. I know his feelings are hurt. This is all just a consequence of his prior choices, and he will be screwing up BIG TIME if he tries to tell him daughters right now how very hurt he is. Tell him for me, he has to be bigger than his hurt.
Consistently showing love and never anger is what will help the girls to one day see him for who he really is, not for who their mother has told him he is. He just has to be patient.
this is pretty complicated, but I could use some wise words other than "give the kids space, they'll come around some-day". It's gotten to the point where his 2 girls, age 12 & 16 won't even see him on his designated weekends. Now they're finding reasons not to see him on the holidays. We don't know how to react. Their mother refuses to let go her hatred of him for divorcing him over 6 years ago.
I'm so frustrated....I don't know what to do but want to do something!
At their ages, giving them space and waiting for them to come around is not going to work. They are at a perfect age to write their father off for good, and maybe 'come around' when they are in their 30's - depending on how far mom leads them down the hatred road.
I went through this with my sons a long time ago, and even though the oldest was 9, he got better then worse, then turned 16 and was a demon child to his step-father and I. Eventually, he was better with his step-father, but he still hung onto alot of animosity toward me.
My advice...sit them both down (if you can bribe them to the house - if not, text or send an email) and make them talk. Explain the entire situation if you need to - no holds barred - and just lay it on the table. They need to know what happened to their parents, why their mother is doing what she is doing (careful with this one, just do it nicely), and that they have a home with the two of you with more love than they can imagine - if they will just give it a chance.
After you spill the truth, it is still going to be up to them. Don't force them to come to the house anymore.
I know their mom is poisening their minds - it's hard not too when one is as bitter as she sounds - and I wonder if she KNOWS what she is doing, or hasn't got a clue. Some people (I was guilty of this) talk to their children as if they are best friends and confide and vent in horribly inappropriate ways.
All the kids hear is bad, bad, bad, and they do end up 'hating' the other parent for making the other feel so horrible. They have more than likely witnessed her cry and throw fits, and comforted her, and their small understanding of relationships has not allowed them to realize there is always another side to the coin.
Just lay it out, and let the chips fall where they may. BUT...NEVER give up inviting them, trying to include them, planning for them - even though you will know in your heart whether they are going to be around or not. If you guys stop the invites, at some point, they will use THAT against you and your husband, and claim you guys didn't want them around. (been down that road, too).
Kids are not as resiliant as many make them out to be. They always side with one parent or the other, and often hold resentment whether they show it or not. My oldest is now 23, and still makes comments about being a child of divorce - although now that he is married and getting ready to be a father, he is beginning to see the light. It's been 14 years and he just cannot let it al go.
Don't give up, but continue to live your life. You have to. Don't allow it to destroy the two of you, but keep loving them all the same. Just get on the confrontation soon, or it may really be too late.
Prayers for all of you, especially at this time of year, Kimmiey
p.s. I read your other post too, about your hubby's 2nd 'mistake', and my advice is the same. I know the girls have been through hell, and this makes it even more important for you guys to confront, lay it out, and let it go. It is time for both of them to understand everybody messes up, but holding hate is only going to poisen them in the long run. They may not get that concept just yet, but they will.
Just love, be there, present a loving home, and let God drive.
It's a bad situation when the two ex's have teamed up to warp both his kids' minds. They've manipulated the entire situation.
What did he ever do that was so bad?
Near as I can figure.... wife #1 was angry with him a lot and he gave up trying to discuss things because she's the type who's always right no matter what. After a few years of no warmth or intimacy except toward the kids, he asked for a divorce. She accuses him of abandoning them to this day. Usually yells it over the phone (I've heard her) whenever they need to discuss something about the kids. And this is 7 years later.
Wife #2 needed him to support her and supply medical insurance. She also feels that he abandoned her after 4 drug rehabs failed and cops found her high as a kite a week after coming home from the last one. He gave up on the marriage after that. He didn't want to tell the kids all that, but did finally tell them some of it recently when he found out they were all hanging out together.
Guess that's what he did that was so bad. Seriously, I think he just made bad choices, being a bit naive and a nice guy.
Well, I've gotten a lot of really good input from you'all. I need to sift through it, as some advice is contradictory to some other advice. I'm leaning toward encouraging my hubby to keep in contact with the kids, but I think I need to stay away from them.
If I didn't have my previous stepkids to remind me that I'm an ok person, I might start to doubt myself.
[b][b]Hi, It,s so hard to be a new wife with 5 kids against you mother play all the times with their heads)....if I was not there he will go back with her tralalalala......( + she is the one who had a relation...with a other ......wy he left divorce her!!!!!!!He met me AFTER.9 years now with my husband and 2 nices kids.....2 and 4. I am all upside down....sad. I always did my best to understand them the situation they are into but...somebody forget me.....I am human , I am the bad one here......they look at me like,,,,so bad.....The same stories over here.....The father never talk bad about the mother etc.......
I think I have to ignore them...they have no respect for me....I will do my life with my family......
I don't know.......I try everythings.....somebody have some suggestion? please!!!
My brother went through this same thing and now his kids are in their 20s and they have ended all ties with him and he never once talked bad about the ex in front of the kids . But boy everytime she saw me or one of my relatives it was on . the kids were not allowed to say hello to any of us as we were all the relatives of a wh*re monger yes she used those exact words !! so now my brother has not seen those kids in over ten years and it is like he is dead to them . sometimes there is just nothing you can do to rectify the sittuation and believe me when I say my brother has tried his hardest . He constantly called and he constantly went to the house and talk to them and she was right there watching them so it was too difficult on them and him . He finally gave up and left it alone . Im just saying it might be harder than you think for the kids .
this is pretty complicated, but I could use some wise words other than "give the kids space, they'll come around some-day". It's gotten to the point where his 2 girls, age 12 & 16 won't even see him on his designated weekends. Now they're finding reasons not to see him on the holidays. We don't know how to react. Their mother refuses to let go her hatred of him for divorcing him over 6 years ago.
I'm so frustrated....I don't know what to do but want to do something!
There is nothing you can do. If you try to defend him, he looks guilty. All he can do is do what he should. If they won't see him, make sure he's calling to talk to them and doing things like sending holiday cards.
Facebook and myspace are great ways for parents to keep in touch with kids. Texting as well. All he can do is tell them he loves them and show an interest. No matter what she says, he needs to let it go. It will turn into a war zone if he doesn't.
So, my advice is be the bigger person and suck it up. Do what you're supposed to no matter what she does. Retaliation in kind will do nothing but prove her point and escallate things.
The absolute BEST THING he can do is to suck it up and take the high road. He must act loving toward them, even when they are being unloving. He must never say a bad word about their mother, or let them get any impression he dislikes her. He must stay upbeat and positive. This is a slow process, so tell him to be patient! EVENTUALLY, the kids will figure out mom is the troublemaker and she will reap what she has sown. Just give them time, kids usually come around. As for you step-mom? YOU have to stay completely out of the situation. No pleading with them on his behalf, no getting angry at them for rejecting him and hurting his feelings right now - nothing. If you interject yourself into this you just make the process take longer, okay?
I absolutely agree with you.
The girls will grow up and see that he took the high road, respect him and see their mother for what she truly is.
I've seen this happen with a few families and the party that was demeaned treated the kids as if the spouse said nothing.
It was definitely difficult, but has been worth the personal pain in the long run.
The long-suffering parents have wonderful relationships with their kids and grandkids.
The step-mother does need to keep out of it, completely.
Sit on your hands and tape your mouth if necessary.
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mother play all the times with their heads)....if I was not there he will go back with her tralalalala......( + she is the one who had a relation...with a other ......wy he left divorce her!!!!!!!He met me AFTER.9 years now with my husband and 2 nices kids.....2 and 4. I am all upside down....sad. I always did my best to understand them the situation they are into but...somebody forget me.....I am human , I am the bad one here......they look at me like,,,,so bad.....The same stories over here.....The father never talk bad about the mother etc....... 
