Beloved Stepdaughter in rehab... UPDATE (son, learn, girlfriend, friend)

[Roselvr]

You said she's living with the mother?
Does she have a relationship with her brother?

[jtjmom]

Yes, and yes. And it's not a good one. Plus the brother lives wtih the mother as well. I'm pretty sure he's making the situation worse, actually. He's a good kid in his own right (for the most part), but he really hates his sister. I'm sure he's probably saying "Hi, felon," or "How's it going, Jailbird," every time he walks through the room.

I tried to call her last night to see how she was doing, and see if she went to that afternoon counseling appt. on Friday. Of course, she didn't answer the phone. That's ok, I'll just call once a day until she answers just to shut me up!

As for the court finding out if she's not in school, I already warned them (her and mom) that they WILL find out if she doesn't go. I'm not sure what the consequences of that would be, though I'm assuming it would probably involve her having to report early, I'd imagine.

I'll be trying to loosely keep tabs on her, but for now, I think our youngest (6) needs my attention a little more. We're having him screened for Asperger's soon, and he was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in October. In amongst all of this and the DSD drama, my other daughter (16) is asking to be allowed to move back to our hometown, 3 hours from here, to finish high school, and our middle boy, who is deaf and has autism, in residential care an hour and a half from here, is also having problems with one of his housemates being physically agressive towards him and my littlest one. LOL... I FEEL LIKE I LIVE IN CRISIS TRIAGE! Take a number, and I'll serve your disaster in the order in which it was recieved...

Really, though, at least I am blessed with the kids I have, instead of... well... it could be much worse, I think. I have a warm place to sleep, food on the table, and clothes on my back. I have a family who loves me and depends on me, frirends who put up with my daily rants about someone or something, and my DH, who is the pillar of my sanity. Everything else just keeps it interesting!

Right now, I'm in a good place with this one, though I'm really worried that we're going to completely lose her. That's when the blame game really starts. Until then, all I can do is keep praying and let her know I love her. Thanks again, CDers... especially Roselvr... I'm touched that this seems to have generated so much interest. I'll definitely keep y'all posted. You're the bestest!

~D

[TakeAhike]

Yes, others need your attention now and DSD is in God's hands.

I think many of us have been touched by some of your DSD's issues. I debated about mentioning my brother. He is in a better place now after over 4decades of substance abuse and a devastating 4 years in prison.

A sensitive, very intelligent and kind man and an addict. I don't know if he ever really tried to stop and if he did he couldn't. In the end cancer finished the job and he died last May. I don't think he believed he would really die.

I add a few extra prayers that those who share this affliction may find strength and courage beyond themselves to move forward.

[geekduo]

I hope that your DSD is able to get evaluated for bipolar disorder soon. Just understanding the underlying cause of the behavior and getting some proper medication in place will go a long ways towards helping her get better.
I've had to involve the authorities to get the proper help for my own bipolar daugher, so I can understand how difficult your decisions have been for you. You sound like you are doing your best to do what is right for her even though it is hard. I also get where you are coming from with other children with their individual health issues as well. I've been through some similiar times where I had everything and everyone pulling on me at once and I had to make some tough decisions about priorities. I felt like if one more thing happened in my life and my household I would truly go nuts myself. At the time, within a 6 month span, my husband and mother were both seiously ill and hospitalized. My bp daughter was out of control. My other daughter started having seizures. My son was ok but still had to be watched for med management for his bp. And we bought and moved into our first house. Yeah, I was stressed out.
For me, the thing to do was quit working and take care of my family. It hurt us financially and it is still taking it's toll, but I was able to concentrate on my kids and all their various health issues and taking care of the house and finally me too.
So, yes in that crisis triage, you do what you have to do, don't feel guilty for it. And most of all, don't forget to take care of yourself somewhere along the way.

[jtjmom]

TakeAHike, thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your brother, though I'm sure by the way you talk about him that his life was a blessing to others. Blessings to you and your family, you are not alone. Thanks so much for your reply and your story.

Geekduo, I also greatly appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in this way, either. This is actually the second time in the past few years that everything has broken loose for us. In 2003, my then barely 9-year-old son left home for residential treatment. My youngest was only one at the time. Less than a month after that, my husband fell victim to gout that left him in debilitating pain, unable to walk. He had double knee replacement surgery, and was in a wheelchair for many months, off work for over a year. I was caring for him and my baby, too. Just as his recovery began, DSS and DSD were removed from their mother by DCFS due to an incident regarding a firearm. They couldn't reach us at the time, so the kids went to live with DH's mom. We tried in vain to get custody then, only to be told that the kids were old enough to make their own decisions, and at 13 and 15, they chose to return to their mother. The DCFS caseworker recommended that they come with us, but the GAL ultimately convinced the judge to let them make up their own minds. We actually went into court that last time thinking they were coming home with is that afternoon... what a blow. We can, in retrospect, trace DSD's current issues back to that timeframe. Good call, Your Honor. (That wasn't very nice, sorry about that... lol)


I am a stay at home mom. I went back to work for a couple years when DH was down, but I've since regained my SAHM status. I'm planning to start school again in January, but depending on my little one's diagnosis and treatment plan, that may/may not happen. I guess we shall see...

All I can say is that when it rains, it pours!

Even with all these things, I can still confidently say that she is my beloved step-daughter, and I'll always love her. Just like I love them all.

~D

[Roselvr]

Good afternoon D!
Wow, the story gets more interesting.
I'm shaking my head while I read about the GAL, usually they don't make their decisions lightly and boy did that one screw up.

The only thing that makes me wonder if maybe it was for the best at the time is knowing more about the other kids. You seriously have a lot on your plate, and it was probably taken into consideration.

Your children with Asperger's, are they your children with your current hubby or with someone else? I ask because I've read that it's thought Asperger's is genetic and wonder if either of his older kids show any signs of being on the spectrum?

Yes, your posts have touched me. I don't usually post about what I've gone through myself with a child; but I knew enough that something wasn't right and to seek help as early as I could. Your DSD isn't much older then my daughter; I know there was a lot of information on the internet as far back as your DSD being in 5th grade. I know some parents don't believe in medication but in the end they are hurting the child.

I was hoping both kids had a good relationship, but DSD has probably tortured DSS or burned him so many times with her tongue that he's not going back for more and it's a shame because with proper meds she'd be the sweet kid you see with a few meltdowns and some PMS verses what she does now. I want to slap some sense into the mother.

Originally Posted by jtjmom

Yes, and yes. And it's not a good one. Plus the brother lives wtih the mother as well. I'm pretty sure he's making the situation worse, actually. He's a good kid in his own right (for the most part), but he really hates his sister. I'm sure he's probably saying "Hi, felon," or "How's it going, Jailbird," every time he walks through the room.

I tried to call her last night to see how she was doing, and see if she went to that afternoon counseling appt. on Friday. Of course, she didn't answer the phone. That's ok, I'll just call once a day until she answers just to shut me up!

As for the court finding out if she's not in school, I already warned them (her and mom) that they WILL find out if she doesn't go. I'm not sure what the consequences of that would be, though I'm assuming it would probably involve her having to report early, I'd imagine.

I'll be trying to loosely keep tabs on her, but for now, I think our youngest (6) needs my attention a little more. We're having him screened for Asperger's soon, and he was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in October. In amongst all of this and the DSD drama, my other daughter (16) is asking to be allowed to move back to our hometown, 3 hours from here, to finish high school, and our middle boy, who is deaf and has autism, in residential care an hour and a half from here, is also having problems with one of his housemates being physically agressive towards him and my littlest one. LOL... I FEEL LIKE I LIVE IN CRISIS TRIAGE! Take a number, and I'll serve your disaster in the order in which it was recieved...

Really, though, at least I am blessed with the kids I have, instead of... well... it could be much worse, I think. I have a warm place to sleep, food on the table, and clothes on my back. I have a family who loves me and depends on me, frirends who put up with my daily rants about someone or something, and my DH, who is the pillar of my sanity. Everything else just keeps it interesting!

Right now, I'm in a good place with this one, though I'm really worried that we're going to completely lose her. That's when the blame game really starts. Until then, all I can do is keep praying and let her know I love her. Thanks again, CDers... especially Roselvr... I'm touched that this seems to have generated so much interest. I'll definitely keep y'all posted. You're the bestest!

~D

[jtjmom]

My autistic boy is mine from a previous marriage, but the Asperger's son is ours together. The older kids do not show anysigns of being on the autistic spectrum, only our two youngest boys. I think the issue between the DSS and DSD is this: He's a really, really big guy (6'5" at least, and 300+ lbs) with a super quick with and a great sense of humor. She's really small (barely 5' tall, and barely 100 lbs), and she's gorgeous. I think, though, that good-natured ribbing by her older brother did not come off as good-natured to her. and probably put some good-sized dents in her self esteem. She's always been very competitive. They both kind of have a bit of a mean streak in them, but I think for him, it's all in fun, and for her, it's trying to take someone else down.

Their mother is a very "status symbol" type of person. I'm sure it's really embarassing for someone like her to have someone tell you you child is not perfect, and I honestly think she's refusing to hear that. She has always put up the "perfect family" front and I think that's what's happening here. Not MY kid... This mother certainly believes in medication, too, becasue she's on so many, it's scary. Literally. That's how DSD was getting a lot of hers. I think she just doesn't want to deal with a kid that might take a little more effort. She'd rather have a friend to lay in bed and watch Extreme Makeover" Home Edition with 24/7, and go to Chili's for Lava Cake. Sure, I'd rather talk about hair appointments than prison prep, too, but waht's best for the child???? We even comtemplated getting an emergency custody order, stating medical neglect of the child. They have joint custody, so it's not out of the realm of possibility...

DH and I were just discussing over lunch that we're both terrified that she will not make it to June. She was supposed to start school today. I hope she did, but I doubt seriously that she is in the mental state to do so, or at least to do it effectively.

I'll keep trying to call her. Still haven't had any luck. I figure if I at least leave her one lesage a day, she'll know I'm thinking of her, even if she doesn't want to talk. No I told you sos, just we love you, and so does Jesus, and we'll get you through this if you'll let us.

Thanks again!

~D

[alexander1]

To jtjmom,I think we have the same step daughter. My 17 year old stepdaughter is in rehab, this whole nightmare began a month ago, my husband and I live out of state, but have been in contact with her therapist and her every week, her mom decided she needed to go on a cruise. Our stepdaughter gets out in a few weeks, my husband and her mother are both in deep denial, and I feel helplesss to the situation, I try to get my husband to go to narcanon, but he always seems to busy, its causing so much friction. How do you handel the craziness?

[jtjmom]

alexander1, you're looking at it! lol... I have become friends with the DARS counselor who is handling the whole thing, and I've prayed a whole lot. I have friends and family who are probably going to scream if they hear her name one more time, but yet the all listen. And prayer. Did I mention prayer? Beacuse I pray A LOT! When she first went into rehab in April, DH went to the family therapy sessions, then came home to tell me that maybe she didn't belong there, becasue she wasn't as bad as the other people there. I tried to tell him then that she's not that bad YET, but if she doesn't get clean, she'll soon be worse. I think he finally understands. Now, we're on the same page. Hang in there, let her know that you love her, and tell her that you're proud of her for trying to get clean, because it's one of the hardest things she'll ever do. Just stand by her, and be prepared to pick up the pieces if/when she relapses. Lots of love and patience. And prayer...

Hey, Rose... the plot sickens... yet again.

She finally answered her phone this afternoon! She said school was going great until this afternoon, when the counselor called her in to tell her that they were not going to honor some of the credits that I had beg, plead and beg some more to get the schools here to accept. (That's another frustrating part of this whole thing... may have to explain in another post, because it's key to this whole thing.) Now, instead of graduating in December, like she wasld've been here, she's a semester behind, and will not be graduating in June. Unfortunately for her, she's set to head to prison in June, and it was postponed specifically for her to graduate before she went.

Now, we need to see if we can get the credits reinstated. If not, things may have just gotten very interesting, and very bad for her... that is... even worse. It sounds horrible, I know, but it was so very hard for me to suppress the ""I told you so" that was right beneath the surface!

I think I'm going to be working the phones tomorrow to see what I can get done, but I really doubt I can get anything fixed at this point. She's pretty much worn out her welcome everywhere now, and I think she's finished.

I'll keep you all posted, and alexander1, you'll be in my prayers as well. Hang in there, she's not really trying to destroy herself, no matter how it may seem that way right now. Just love her.

~D

[Roselvr]

I'm still here and reading, taking it in.
Have to get up and start my cooking, then pick my kid up, 1/2 day today. I can see I won't be having much computer time the next few days. I wanted to Black Friday shop but daughter is looking to go to her fathers, so I may internet shop, not sure.

Do you think she's been going to school?
Did you find out if she went to counseling?