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I am not sure whether I am looking for advice, or just sort of venting.
I am the stepfather of a 3 year old, married to the biological mother. My stepdaughter does not have her bio dad in her life at all. I have been involved in her life since she was 20 months old. She is not old enough to know the difference between having a bio dad or a step dad yet, but sees me as her father.
Mostly things have been as smooth as can be expected. She is a joy to have around! However, I have struggled at times with feeling a deeper connection like I feel my wife has with her.
For instance, on father's day I ended up feeling more like an imposter than anything. My wife went out of her way to try and make it a special day for me. At our church service, they honor father's with gifts and also gave me one. Our extended families were all very nice. Yet, inside, the whole time, I felt like I was infringing on someone else's right to be honored. Even if her father has decided not to accept the role or responsibility, it still did not feel like my day.
So I was wondering how some other step parents feel. I do feel love, caring, etc for her. Being her parent can be tough and trying at times, as well as joyful and rewarding.
I'm not a stepdad, but I was raised without a father figure at all. And I can assure you, if you've been there for her (providing, supporting, teaching, taking care of her), you are her father. And with no biological father around to even try and contest that, it should make it all too clear for you: Either you're her father, or she doesn't have one. Which would sound more correct to you?
Of course, I realize that feelings can sometimes resist any sort of logic. So I might also remind you that even biological parents sometimes don't feel like they're parents. My son's about to turn 2, and it never really "hit home" that I'm a dad. Maybe someday it will, maybe it never will. I guess my point here, though, is not to read too much into it.
I'm not a step daddy, but I am a step momma. Like the little girl in your life, my father chose not to be an influence in my life. I think this has made me a better parent including a step momma.
Your feelings of being an intruder are normal. My armchair (as I am not a psychologist) psychologist theory is: What you are subconsciously feeling is guilt for being there when her biological parent chooses to be absent. You are putting your sense of honor (how you would feel if someone would take your place as a father) as what the biological father should feel. Deep down, you think he feels this way and you are hesitant to enjoy the benefits of fatherhood to someone else's child. The fact is, the father may or may not feel a bond with his child, but in your heart you feel he does, thus you are cutting into his territory.
This has very little to do with your bond with this little girl (thank you BTW... every little girl should be a daddy's girl) and has everything to do with your personal honor code.
Now... how to move beyond this intruder feeling.... There isn't a quick answer. I, personally, had to tell myself that is is okay to enjoy being a momma to another woman's children. That my love for them wasn't taking anything away from her, but adding something to the lives of two precious people that God saw fit to bring into my life. It took a couple of years, but now I am a momma... bio/step... it doesn't matter. Yes, I get the odd man out feeling sometimes, then I get the hug... or even the eyeroll of my almost teenage (step) daughter or the glazed over look from my teenaged (step) son when I tell him to get his clothes off the floor. The same reaction I gave my momma all those years ago... and I know that I am momma... odd man out or not.
I'm not a step daddy, but I am a step momma. Like the little girl in your life, my father chose not to be an influence in my life. I think this has made me a better parent including a step momma.
Your feelings of being an intruder are normal. My armchair (as I am not a psychologist) psychologist theory is: What you are subconsciously feeling is guilt for being there when her biological parent chooses to be absent. You are putting your sense of honor (how you would feel if someone would take your place as a father) as what the biological father should feel. Deep down, you think he feels this way and you are hesitant to enjoy the benefits of fatherhood to someone else's child. The fact is, the father may or may not feel a bond with his child, but in your heart you feel he does, thus you are cutting into his territory.
This has very little to do with your bond with this little girl (thank you BTW... every little girl should be a daddy's girl) and has everything to do with your personal honor code.
Now... how to move beyond this intruder feeling.... There isn't a quick answer. I, personally, had to tell myself that is is okay to enjoy being a momma to another woman's children. That my love for them wasn't taking anything away from her, but adding something to the lives of two precious people that God saw fit to bring into my life. It took a couple of years, but now I am a momma... bio/step... it doesn't matter. Yes, I get the odd man out feeling sometimes, then I get the hug... or even the eyeroll of my almost teenage (step) daughter or the glazed over look from my teenaged (step) son when I tell him to get his clothes off the floor. The same reaction I gave my momma all those years ago... and I know that I am momma... odd man out or not.
^^Wonderful insight!!
I was a stepmom of two awesome boys (ages 2 and 5 ) for some years...There bio mom popped in and out as she wished. I fought these feelings when she was around, but at the end of the day..I was there, because I wanted to be, I loved them because I wanted to, I cared for them because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated in any kind of way! Now even though it has been 5 years since their dad and I split up...I still love them, I still keep in touch, and the oldest of the two still calls me mom, wants me in his life, it makes me feel wonderful that he knows I truely loved him as my son(& still do), and he still loves his mama(me)!!
You are making a huge impact in the life of this little girl! It takes a real good man to step in and take responsibility for a child that is not biologically his, but it takes someone very special to love that child as his own and enjoy being an active part of their life. THANK YOU!!!!
Do you feel like you can share these feelings with your wife? Maybe she can give some insight, as well as deepen and strengthen ya'lls marriage/relationship!!
Enjoy being daddy....because she knows nobody else, and someday she will get the truth and she'll still see you just the same as she does right now....HER DADDY!!!!
You sound like a great father. Give it some time to build a stronger bond with her and cut yourself some slack in this area. Over time, I think you'll find the bond getting stronger.
Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement! We do have good times with each other too! It just feels funny at times, and maybe because it is an adjustment!
Are you picking her up when she falls and wiping her tears? Do you plan on being there as her Dad in 10 years? Twenty years?
If you are, OWN it.
And be proud that YOU are the MAN doing it.
Right On!!!!couldn't have said it better....
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