Out of ideas!!!! (daycare, bullying, method, divorced)
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I have a soon to be five year old son and dont know what to do anymore. Last year (2007) I let him go stay with his dad and grandparents in Texas ( we are divorced) and the divorce decree says he has to be there two full months. Well he wanted to come back after one month but they didnt want him too yet and didnt let him. So when he came back, he was very angry, constantly asking if I loved him ( to which I always assure him I do very much), un-pottytrained and he was completely trained when he went down, and always getting in trouble. Anyways a year later, I didnt let him go down this summer, I'm still feeling the aftermath. He talks back, cusses, hits, kicks, will not listen, runs away at school, throws fits constantly, and just very angry altogether. We have spanked, time-outs, taking toys away, taking privileges away, walking away, talking to him, bribery, etc. I've tried counseling but after one session the doctor already was suggesting medicine and I really dont want to go that route. He has a b-day coming up and thats the most recent bribe but its not working now either. Any ideas? His texas family is absolutely no help at all either. He is learning some of it from school now also, he choked a classmate the other day cuz he seen another kid do it and thats where hes learning some of the cuss words. I'm thinking about moving him to a different school, but he does have friends already at this one and I'm afraid other teachers wont put up with him when he's in trouble. I'm a single mom and so out of ideas please help!
oh wow, sorry to hear this.
the only thing i can say is he needs some "quiet" time. meaning just time alone, you and him, no distractions, no school, no freinds, nothing.
i dont know if its possible for you to do that, but maybe you can take him somewhere for a couple of days and he may get some extra attention he may crave and you can figure out what is going on inside him.
sorry i dont have any better advise. i guess when life gets crazy, the thing that helps me most is quiet time where i can just figure things out.
Have you spoken with your pediatrician? I know you don't want to go the medication route, but perhaps there is something going on that the pediatrician can help you with. As a teacher, I've seen kids be placed on medication that I didn't think was necessary (in my very non-medical-professional opinion) and a child placed on medication that helped the child calm down to the point where he wasn't constantly hitting other kids, kicking them, bullying, etc. For those parents, they were adamantly against medication, but after many appointments with their doctor, they decided to try it on a trial basis. For that child, medication was the answer. With another child, the doctor (and we, his teachers) suspected sensory processing issues for which medication is usually not effective. That child (another child with violent outbursts and an inability to play with other kids without hurting them) went to occupational therapy and the last I saw him, his parents said he is improving, without medication.
So, I'm not suggesting medication, but I am saying that there are some circumstances where it does help. I absolutely prefer not to have to have any child medicated, but when you have a child saying things like, "I want to behave better" and "I can't stop myself," you know there's a problem. Medication may or may not help it, but a pediatrician would certainly help you deal with what sounds like some troubling issues (I also have a 5 year old AND I teach Pre-K, so I'm with that age all the time!)
Best of luck to you. Five is NOT an easy age at all!!
Try counseling again, The first time doesn't sound like it was a good fit. I personally hate to hear about meds being suggested so quickly. Do you think something 'not right' happened to him in Texas, and he doesn't know how to explain it and is blaming himself???
Have you looked into Big Brothers ( do they stil have that??) or some type of mentoring program at his school. It sounds like he needs some one on one attention, maybe from a neutral bystander. How about boy scouts...or even karate classes, where the focus is on self discipline..
How tough for you...good luck with your little guy
Before you engage in a Texas witch hunt, back up a bit.
You need to sort out what you have control over and what you don't.
You say he is picking up bad language from his buds, yet you are afraid of moving him to another school because he has his "friends" already. Humm.
You are directed to try drugs (I am not a big fan), but you choose not to.
You have control of these things, but you do not choose to exercise it.
It is possible you are making all the right moves but are not having good results. It is possible you are making all the wrong moves and are rationalizing it.
It is tough to raise kids. I have three little boys of my own ages 1,3 and 5.
But my wife and I are full time parents. You are doing it all by yourself and apparently this is your sounding board of choice.
Why does your kid even need to ask if you love him? I tell mine many times a day unsolicited that I love them. Somethings are amiss.
Before you engage in a Texas witch hunt, back up a bit.
You need to sort out what you have control over and what you don't.
You say he is picking up bad language from his buds, yet you are afraid of moving him to another school because he has his "friends" already. Humm.
You are directed to try drugs (I am not a big fan), but you choose not to.
You have control of these things, but you do not choose to exercise it.
It is possible you are making all the right moves but are not having good results. It is possible you are making all the wrong moves and are rationalizing it.
Why does your kid even need to ask if you love him? I tell mine many times a day unsolicited that I love them. Somethings are amiss.
First off, asking if I love him didnt start til after he came back from Texas and I did then and still do tell him several times a day. When he gets up, when he goes to school, bedtime, stuff like that. He asks a lot ecspecially if hes in trouble. Then he accuses me of hating him. I think some things may have been said down in Texas but I don't know what, they didnt really want me to talk to him during those two months. I might have gotten to talk to him 2-3 times in the two months. Maybe some blame is on me for not going down there and fighting to get him back when he was ready. I do have these choices like you said but I'm trying to figure out the right ones, I don't want to put him in another school and then hes angry about it and acts even worse. His check up is coming up so maybe I will talk to his doctor again. He told me doctors can't do much in that field anymore, maybe I have a bad doctor? I will talk to him again though and hopefully figure something else out. I've talked to Tyler about a new school too and he says he'll be good if he goes somewhere else but then I tell him hes not being good at this school.
First off, asking if I love him didnt start til after he came back from Texas and I did then and still do tell him several times a day. When he gets up, when he goes to school, bedtime, stuff like that. He asks a lot ecspecially if hes in trouble. Then he accuses me of hating him. I think some things may have been said down in Texas but I don't know what, they didnt really want me to talk to him during those two months. I might have gotten to talk to him 2-3 times in the two months. Maybe some blame is on me for not going down there and fighting to get him back when he was ready. I do have these choices like you said but I'm trying to figure out the right ones, I don't want to put him in another school and then hes angry about it and acts even worse. His check up is coming up so maybe I will talk to his doctor again. He told me doctors can't do much in that field anymore, maybe I have a bad doctor? I will talk to him again though and hopefully figure something else out. I've talked to Tyler about a new school too and he says he'll be good if he goes somewhere else but then I tell him hes not being good at this school.
It sounds to me like, again, you are rationalizing things to suit what you need. As hard as it is to hear, you should re-read... slowly and with an open mind... what Bob the Builder said.
Based on the hypothesis that something did happen in Texas (say, the family was talking bad about you in any way), it's already over. There's nothing you can do about it now, and no sense in beating yourself up in "what could have been" with regards to you getting him when he asked. You have to learn to move forward with him now (which is why I believe you posted on here in the first place.
That said, if the problem is you need to rebuild the trust with him. The idea that Findinghope had about you two spending time together would not be a bad idea. Although, I might offer a variance in venue. Take him somewhere where he has to learn to trust in you again (say... an amusement park). By going there.. there are going to be on rides he might be scared to go on, but that you provide that safety to by encouraging him and going with him on rides. Laugh more together while you are there. Rebuild the relationship you used to have.
I am 99 percent against drugging kids today. I think it's more a lack of proper parenting/disciplining that makes kids less attentive, more ego-centric, etc. But, of course, I'm no child medical professional. However, it seems that you are trying to do the right things (talking to him, disciplining him, etc.) without going to the extreme. In this case, he might just be the 1% who really needs it, if even for a short time.
We're not experts here offering advice. Just other parents. We won't say what you want us to all the time, but we will answer what you ask.
You say that you keep trying different discipline methods. That might entail part of the problem of not being able to control him. Pick a disciplinary method and stick to it. If you don't get results the first time, don't get discouraged. Keep sticking to it, and he'll eventually see that you mean business.
Oh, and stop the bribing. It never works.
As far as the cursing, my dad always washed my mouth out with a nice bar of dial soap. It worked.
When it comes to the violent tendencies, you might want to try looking into a release for his tensions. Kickboxing, Martial Arts, et al are usually recommended for children who have little to no self control. The classes help with the self control, while giving a release for pent up anger. And if your kid tries to backtalk/hit the instructors, they'll teach him quick.
You've taken him to a medicine pusher already. Does the school have a counselor on staff that he can speak to on a weekly basis? Finding the right fit for a counselor is a very rough thing.
And just remember to keep your head up. You're the parent and not the friend. Once you stand on your own two feet and set him in his place, he's going to be mad. He's going to say things to intentionally hurt you. He's going to try and push your buttons. Don't let it get to you. Just keep the retort, "I love you, too" going as he says and does these things.
Thank you for all the help. I'm sorry if I sounded snippy to Bob the Builder. I know you are trying to help me and give me good advice. I'm going to try some of the ideas and let you all know how it goes. I forgot about the soap in the mouth, my parents did that to me, and boy did it work. And I do have him in swimming but maybe martial arts or something would be good too. Use the anger and frustation somewhere else. There arent any counselers at his school though. He goes to a daycare that has a pre-k in it. Also, I have decided to take a week off also from work and spend some time with him, it sounds like a good idea for both of us. I will try some other things like time-out again also. Maybe I gave in to quick and moved on to some other punishment, so I'll pick one and stick with it for a while. Thank you guys!
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We have spanked, time-outs, taking toys away, taking privileges away, walking away, talking to him, bribery, etc. I've tried counseling but after one session the doctor already was suggesting medicine and I really dont want to go that route. He has a b-day coming up and thats the most recent bribe but its not working now either. Any ideas? His texas family is absolutely no help at all either. He is learning some of it from school now also, he choked a classmate the other day cuz he seen another kid do it and thats where hes learning some of the cuss words. 
