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Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How was it resolved?
Somewhat. My brother 's ex-wife went on to have four more children with three different fathers after their daughter was born. Although she was a grifter with dollar signs in her eyes when it came to my family, it never got to the point where she was issuing ultimatums to my parents about how they spend their money, and it would not have worked out well for her if she had.
My parents were decent to the other children, and everyone involved did a pretty good job of respecting boundaries, including the other sets of grandparents. No one expected any of the grandparents to treat all of the children the same.
Last edited by Metlakatla; 04-29-2023 at 05:08 PM..
I didn't claim it was automatic. I'm well aware that it isn't. Edit: the mother sounds like an immature grifter with an inflated sense of entitlement. It's not the grandparents' fault that she had several children with a string of different men.
Gotcha. I was just responding to the point made that grandparents "have" visitation rights in many state, which is not true. Grandparents have the potential to gain visitation/custody/etc. rights in certain states if they can show that the child is harmed, etc., but that's very different from them having visitation rights in certain states. I think this is an important distinction because it changes the dynamics. If grandparents had visitation rights in certain states (in particular, in the state in question), then there would be a completely different conversation, IMO.
This is one of the few cases where we disagree, though I still respect your position!
From where I stand, I compare this to a situation where one son (again, both sons being close in age) is closer to a neighborhood kid and his family than the other son. It would be unconscionable for me to entertain a request by the neighborhood family to take only one son to a theme park for the day; if they insisted, I'd tell them thank you and would work to take both boys out myself. Some point to the blood connection of the grandparents, but this connection doesn't give the grandparents any special right over their grandson (unlike, say, the case of a father) IMO, even if they think it does. As for the inheritance piece, the grandparents can unilaterally choose to do things that are within their right and ability, such as leaving an inheritance; and, quite frankly, that's not something I'd expect them to share with someone who is not their blood relation. For those cases where the mother does have some say in, it's entirely reasonable in my view for her to take a different approach, that of looking after both of her sons (again, close in age) as is her obligation.
Note, if the kids were older and developing their own friend groups, etc., I'd not write the same hypothetical as above. I just feel that their younger age changes the calculus. The boys will eventually have to learn to do things apart and separate, etc., but I don't know if this is the point where I'd be pushing that. Just my two cents, though.
It's surprising since we usually have a similar opinion.
It is pretty hard to offer an opinion when the OP has not given us much useful information. They've only replied once to say elementary school age which really does not say whether they are closer to seven or closer to fourteen or it could be like my grand kids, kindergarten for one and fourth grade for the other. They say "close in age," well what is that?
My grand kids are 6 and 10 with the younger one being raised by her father because he did my daughter dirty after she gave birth, my daughter has the older one who I've pretty much been parent number two to. He does not know his paternal grandparents, if he even has any. His "father" (SD, sperm donor) has seen him maybe ten or fifteen times. I've always had an "open door" policy that he has only used a few times. My granddaughter has way more paternal family, her grandmother plus her fathers siblings. She also has a half sister that's about 18 that she has been raised with in addition to the fathers girlfriends two sons who are younger teens. My granddaughter wouldn't go anywhere with her sister's grandparents who are local, she also wouldn't do anything with the two boys when they see their grandparents.
My grand kids are not into the same things with that four year age gap. My grandson loves Xbox, granddaughter would rather play with toys. If my granddaughters father took her to Disney, my grandson wouldn't care.
Back to the original post. It sounds like that grandparent of one kid is picking up their grandchild, taking them on vacation. They're paying for it, which depending on where they're going, it may involve plane tickets, a hotel plus amusement park entry, all of which could run into the hundreds of dollars per person.
We don't know if this vacation is a rare treat from the grandparents, that they saved up for. They could have multiple grand kids that they are taking. They may not have the money to take the sibling of their grand kid. It could come down to them only taking their other grand kids, not taking their grand kid due to not being able to take their sibling.
Every situation is different. If these are younger kids closer to 5 and 7, one may still need help in the bathroom, or they may wet the bed at night. IMO, it would not be right for these grandparents to be expected to give help in the bathroom or deal with night potty issues of their grand childs sibling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metlakatla
I didn't claim it was automatic. I'm well aware that it isn't. Edit: the mother sounds like an immature grifter with an inflated sense of entitlement. It's not the grandparents' fault that she had several children with a string of different men.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metlakatla
This is very nice, but it sounds quite different from these situations involving multiple partners and multiple children. As others have asked, where does it end? If a guy fathers 10 children with as many different women, are each set of grandparents somehow supposed to consider them all "family?" and take them all on trips, buy them all gifts, etc.? That's no different from the situation described in the OP.
Totally agree.
My grandson's father has about four kids, maybe five when counting my grandson. My son's brother was raised partly by his father until CPS removed him due to abuse. He's now being raised by someone else, I think from his maternal side. I've met this brother, I have not met my grandson's sister and whatever else kids he has.
When our granddaughter married a man with 2 kids, her parents started calling those 2 their grandkids long before the wedding. When you're family, you're family.
And what if it were your grandson who married a woman with several children who later had several other marriages, each producing children?
Do you think her parents would continue to expand the definition of "family" and provide gifts and vacations to all the children of the later marriages and liaisons?
I have several in-law situations like this. Look, they live under the same roof and are siblings, whether they are full blood or half blood makes no difference. They need to be treated as such, treating them differently only causes resentment between the kids and it WILL cause rifts between them as they get older.
Grandparents need to recognize that the relationship between siblings is more important than their feeling of 'ownership' (for lack of a better word) of their blood grandchild. If mom can't afford to pay for the second child and grands aren't willing to pony up, then the trip needs to be scaled back to something both kids can participate in, or both stay home. From the kids POV, it isn't fair for one to go on such an extravagant outing and not the other. This isn't like going to granny's house for a Sunday dinner.
My own kids have a stepbrother whose grandmother treated all the kids the same. The moment those kids became siblings they were all her grandchildren in her eyes. The woman was a saint and my kids loved her with a great love until the day she died. There is no downside to that.
Awww...these are words to live by. What a special person she was! Glad that your kids were loved by her, too. Her love enriched their lives for sure.
Someone early in the thread said maybe the blood grandchild would like to have company of someone close to his age. When my stepdaughter was about 10, we took her to Disneyworld by herself. Later I thought maybe she would have enjoyed it more had she invited a friend to come along. She’s in her 40s now, and we were talking about this recently. She told me she enjoyed just being with me and Dad by herself.
As to the original question, I’d say don’t force non-bio grandchild into the situation. Mom should explain that just like they do different things when they are with their (separate) dads, this is just an off-shoot of those situations. Maybe do something special when the other kid is at Disney.
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