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This sounds (to me) like a sales-related / traveling position where overnights and a certain amount of entertaining may be required. In that environment, each individual must make-up their own behavior rules. These may have reflected the values of the individuals he was traveling with ... and not the expectations of the company.
The thing I couldn't help but wonder about is, why didn't your 18-year old son call a cab or Uber to take him back to the hotel (?) Also, even though he is young, he should probably have confronted his older associates with his concerns, before speaking to others in the workplace.
This sounds (to me) like a sales-related / traveling position where overnights and a certain amount of entertaining may be required. In that environment, each individual must make-up their own behavior rules. These may have reflected the values of the individuals he was traveling with ... and not the expectations of the company.
The thing I couldn't help but wonder about is, why didn't your 18-year old son call a cab or Uber to take him back to the hotel (?) Also, even though he is young, he should probably have confronted his older associates with his concerns, before speaking to others in the workplace.
It’s not sales related, but you are right about the entertaining.
The boss told him to wait outside. He wasn’t going to say no, and leave, when he was told to wait. Now he knows he can leave and take more initiative.
Your son, quite simply, has gotten into the wrong crowd. I seem to recall from your thread about college how his "boss" was so supportive of him in his 'artistic" endeavors and how much he could mentor your son.
This isn't mentoring, this is grooming. Part of the problem is your son has no experience to compare it to and doesn't know what the proper rules of behavior in business are. Your son needs to quit that job and find a real job with a good company and learn what a real professional working environment is. He may legally be 18 and an adult, but he is in over his head.
(snip) The brain doesn't even finish fully developing until you're 25.
Great point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
We advised him to talk to his boss (the one who didn’t leave him outside). He did do so, and it cleared the air on both sides, gave him some direction, and some assurance.
I agree with everyone that this is a crappy environment, but it’s a tough business and my son has to get used to that if he is going to pursue it. He still has outside support helping him shore up his values when he needs that.
So...we wait and see.
Thank you for the positive update.
A close relative of mine was something of a "late bloomer". Although, she was very mature and independent in some ways in high school and college, in other ways she was quite immature. However, in her mid to late 20s "everything clicked". She handled 2 1/2 years in a very difficult situation in the Peace Corps. In an African nation that was in the middle of a civil war (among other very serious problems). And, she then started her career in an non-English speaking European country completely on her own. She has been very successful. Heck, I bet that many 40 or 50 year old adults would have more difficulty handling those two "adventures" with the same ease and maturity as my relative.
My point is, that the way that she was at 18, or even at 23, was no where near how capable and mature she ended up being as a "full fledged" adult. I bet that your son will grow and learn and change a great deal as he gets older and more experienced in life. He is only 18 right now. Give it time.
This isn't mentoring, this is grooming. Part of the problem is your son has no experience to compare it to and doesn't know what the proper rules of behavior in business are. Your son needs to quit that job and find a real job with a good company and learn what a real professional working environment is. He may legally be 18 and an adult, but he is in over his head.
Yes I was quite inclined to agree with you....his boss did assure my son that they don’t care if he doesn’t drink, and will never force him to drink. My son told him to ease up, that it was too much. There was a discussion about “joking” in the office and why they do it, about how they recognize he is still having to transition into adulthood, but why that is important. Something else was discussed that makes me think his boss is looking out for him. And I can’t reveal what the therapist said, but he definitely has my son’s back.
My son has lost some of the trust that he had, so he definitely has his eyes open going forward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Thank you for the positive update.
A close relative of mine was something of a "late bloomer". Although, she was very mature and independent in some ways in high school and college, in other ways she was quite immature. However, in her mid to late 20s "everything clicked". She handled 2 1/2 years in a very difficult situation in the Peace Corps. In an African nation that was in the middle of a civil war (among other very serious problems). And, she then started her career in an non-English speaking European country completely on her own. She has been very successful. Heck, I bet that many 40 or 50 year old adults would have more difficulty handling those two "adventures" with the same ease and maturity as my relative.
My point is, that the way that she was at 18, or even at 23, was no where near how capable and mature she ended up being as a "full fledged" adult. I bet that your son will grow and learn and change a great deal as he gets older and more experienced in life. He is only 18 right now. Give it time.
My son has always been a late bloomer, except in this one area. That’s partly why he feels like he doesn’t fit in with his peers.
Things had really improved since I last wrote. There were several trips that went well. He even got another raise and “you’re doing a great job.”
Today the wheels came off.
They actually told him that no one else will hire him because he’s too young and inexperienced, and every other company would treat him way worse, and he should be grateful and thankful for everything. They said he is a crappy person and his boss laid into him about his relationship with his family. Unfortunately, my son has taken the “you are a bad person” comment to heart.
I think they think the no drinking is coming from me (it is not).
I think this is toxic and emotionally abusive. What do you all think? I’m looking back at the previous replies and boy were some of you 100% right.
We are looking into colleges/programs and other options as well. It may take a little time to figure out the next or right steps, but we will get there.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 10-25-2021 at 05:25 PM..
Things had really improved since I last wrote. There were several trips that went well. He even got another raise and “you’re doing a great job.”
Today the wheels came off.
They actually told him that no one else will hire him because he’s too young and inexperienced, and every other company would treat him way worse, and he should be grateful and thankful for everything. They said he is a crappy person and his boss laid into him about his relationship with his family. Unfortunately, my son has taken the “you are a bad person” comment to heart.
I think they think the no drinking is coming from me (it is not).
I think this is toxic and emotionally abusive. What do you all think? I’m looking back at the previous replies and boy were some of you 100% right.
We are looking into colleges/programs and other options as well. It may take a little time to figure out the next or right steps, but we will get there.
This certainly is unlike anything I have experienced in more than 40 years of working in more than a dozen fields, either to myself or anyone who I have ever known. It's also hard to believe that this came out of nowhere.
An improvement in the way he was being treated would seem to have been normal. A raise and doing a good job would seem to be normal. I don't think anyone would encourage him to drink after he made his objections known.
Being told that no one else would hire him because of youth and inexperience would seem to be normal if your son was telling his boss he wanted to quit and pursue his career elsewhere. I think I said as much in the other thread. The chance to make a living in the arts is extremely rare.
Being told he has been ungrateful might be normal if he indicated he thought that he wasn't being treated well in spite of all their efforts to train and accommodate him.
Being told he was a crappy or bad person sounds extremely unlikely.
Being criticized for his relationship with his family might be logical if your son relied on "my mother said ..." or "my family said ...." You indicated as much when you said they thought the "no drinking" came from you. How else would they have come to this idea?
You never answered my question on your other thread of what your son actually did at work, whether he was just a gopher or was actually being trained in his craft, and whether this work was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. I think the answers to those questions ought to decide his next step. If this is his dream job then a little hazing a few months ago and some straight talk from his boss isn't a deal breaker unless he wants it to be. He really is old enough to make up his own mind on this. You can spoon feed him and protect him but then how is he going to become an independent adult? Let him make his own decisions and mistakes. That's how we learn.
I got my first full time job at 17. I commuted to college and paid my own way through with work and a few student loans. I didn't like the first college I went away to so I quit. My parents were not part of the decision. I had dozens of jobs in college, all minimum wage service jobs and the only job I ever quit was for a man who hired me as a gardener but really wanted to have sex with me. Now that was a toxic environment and I quit after my first day on the job. My parents were never involved with my schools or my jobs. All those decisions were my own.
My grandson is on the spectrum and he is also a talented artist, and my daughter sees herself as his advocate and protector so I think I know where you are coming from. But at some point he's going to want and need to lead his own life, make his own decisions for better or worse.
In life, some co workers are nice, others are back stabbers. Some bosses are nice, others are self serving and sadistic. The most important thing I learned in more than 40 years of work was how to handle my co-workers and bosses, and to do my best. I didn't get my dream job until I was in my early 40's and I did it until I retired. I never had the option of quitting a job I needed, so I learned how to make the bad jobs tolerable until something better came along and the good ones better. This is something not taught or discussed in schools, but I think may be the most important thing a person who has to spend 30 or 40 years working for a living needs to learn.
Some of it may sound unlikely, but I have no reason to believe my son is lying to me.
As far as the drinking and sex stuff, as you’ve said, most boys his age would be all for getting drunk and one night stands. He doesn’t wasn’t to drink at all, and he wants a relationship. I guess that makes him a weirdo by today’s standards.
I think that’s why they think it’s coming from me, because they can’t fathom that he has his own standards and values.
I grew up in a very constant and rigid “don’t have sex until you are married” environment. I have never done that with my children (don’t think it’s practical), but have explained that there are emotional and physical reasons to wait. My son has worked out his choices for himself — and really it doesn’t have much to do with me.
We also drink a little.
He could get drunk and sleep around on one of these trips and I would never know—except the guilt would eat him up, because these aren’t the values he has set for himself.
I don’t really know how I could possibly let him “make his own decisions and mistakes” more than I already am.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 10-25-2021 at 08:20 PM..
Something does not sound right. What would you say if this was your daughter?
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