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I was in a similar situation except it was my husband who changed his mind several years into the marriage. He had told me before getting married many times how he always wanted to have kids. I kept waiting for him to agree that it was a good time to start trying to get pregnant. Each time, he came up with some reason why we couldn't start trying. I was in my mid-30s when we married and feeling pretty desperate by the time I was 40. After my 40th birthday, I said WHEN????? He said, "I guess I really don't want to have kids." Everything went downhill after that. I was angry, depressed, despondent. He accused me of only wanting him as a sperm donor. I lost all interest in sex (if not for procreation, I wanted none of it.) We separated later that year. My desire to have a child was stronger than my desire to stay with him. I ended up meeting another man a year later who also was divorced from a woman who changed her mind after marriage. We got married, but by this time, I was not able to get pregnant. Happily, we adopted two beautiful, wonderful little girls and while they do not share my genetic makeup, I really don't care. My desire to have children was satisfied.
This is a really really hard decision to make. I can certainly understand your point of view since I've lived it. But I can also understand his point of view. My hubby and I are older (I'm now 49 and hubby is 48.) We have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. It is exhausting. He's already done the child-raising thing and knows what kind of resources (monetary, time, personal energy) are needed to do that. What you have to decide is whether your desire to have a child is stronger than your desire to stay married to this man. I do not envy you your decision. It was the hardest one I've ever made, but I am glad I did what I did. While I'm completely and totally happy with the family I have now, while I was going through infertility treatments, I was incredibly resentful toward my ex-husband for taking the final years of my fertility and squandering it.
I really feel for you and hope that you are able to resolve this situation. Perhaps some counseling for both of you, or you alone, would help you through this difficult time. Best of luck to you.
Sorry to hear that, it's a tricky question. Did you think about going to counseling? If your heart hurts over this, and you are depressed, then definitely seek some counseling, for both of you. His reasons are probably because he has kids and not so great relations with one of them, and so on. Selfish, no I would not say either one of you is selfish, you were how old, 25, when you got married? Well, I didn't think I want kids either at that age, and had my daughter at 31! Just try to go and talk to someone, maybe things will work out, and if not...? Can't say it enough, talk to a counselor, shrink, anyone, just talk and try to figure it out. Best of luck to you, and hope all goes well.
Thanks for all the support and input, As I could never get my husband to a counseler, it really helps with your inputs and different points of view. These feeling have been coming on strong for the last few years as all my friends have children.
Before we were married I was 24, and at that age, I did not know or understand how this discison would effect me later.
I was late starting last month and thought, Could I be pregnant?, and thought really excited me as it was all I could think about. But I did start after 5 days after that We had a long talk, My Husband was very understanding of the feelings I had, he even said if I would of been PG then after the intinal shock, he would get use to the idea and proably be happy about it. But HE also said he was very glad I was not and will be more careful from now on. HE loves Kids and is wonderful father and Grandfather.
My Step-duaghter in Law just gave birth on the 14th, (Last night) and being at the hospital and seeing the newborns is just Bringing all these emotions to surface again.
I love my husband with all my heart and could never leave him, I am not pushing him or bugging him about it, he knows how I feel, in fact I have been keeping alot of this to myself, except for our last discussion a few weeks ago. I know how he feels and I would proably feel the same if I were him. I just do not know what to do with myself and all these feelings, I have been crying alot and trying to find answers and help getting through this without upsetting my husband and cuasing Problems in our Marriage. Thank you for Posting to my thread.
I'm glad to see that you realize a child should be wanted by both parents. There are women out there who are "deliberately careless", which is so wrong, in my opinion! I'm 44, and my kids are 23 and 19. I couldn't imagine having more children even at this age, let alone in my 50s. Of course, women are usually more limited in terms of child-bearing years than men are, but you get the point I'm trying to make, I hope!
I sincerely hope that you can make your peace with this if you decide to stay with your husband, and that you won't begin to resent him as the years pass. Please take care of yourself emotionally. I'm sorry that life bring us these kinds of very difficult choices!
My ex-brother (long story) and his wife/ex-wife/wife went many rounds over this for a couple of decades. They eventually did nothing, her clock went "ding" and the towel was thrown. The brother was ready to declare victory and then she pulled a surprise punch that floored him. A little background might help before I go further. She was "of means" and he wasn't. They kept their own affairs and pooled nothing but he certainly enjoyed the many benefits of being a hanger-on.
The next thing he knows is that she's gone on an extended vacation to Europe. Lo and behold she comes back with a little bundle of joy she bought in some Russian orphanage. "Here's your new daddy!" New daddy balks and fusses, crying foul and he wants to review the fight tapes. New mama goes to her attorney and files papers which state that "daddy" has no right to the child or to any of her assets in the event of her death.
The last gasp of the event, even though pauper's alley for daddy was in sight, he sues for divorce. She's willing to grant it of course. He finally realizes that he might have been wrong a few months after living "below status" and starts to mend his fences with her and junior. All is well, daddy's back in good standing and comfort. Game, set, match to the wife.
I realize this isn't advice of any kind. More just a story of the lengths some go through to have a child in the home.
You obviously love your husband so much and he sounds like a good man. Would it help if you got a little dog? Here me out- if you got a little thing you could love and take care of and found your maternal instincts were somewhat satisfied, then good BUT if they weren't, you'd be closer to knowing whether you have to break up the marriage. If you weren't so crazy about your husband I'd just advise you to get out of the marriage but since you are, I thought a trial period with something you could mother and love might clarify your feelings.
You obviously love your husband so much and he sounds like a good man. Would it help if you got a little dog? Here me out- if you got a little thing you could love and take care of and found your maternal instincts were somewhat satisfied, then good BUT if they weren't, you'd be closer to knowing whether you have to break up the marriage. If you weren't so crazy about your husband I'd just advise you to get out of the marriage but since you are, I thought a trial period with something you could mother and love might clarify your feelings.
Funny you say this, I raise and show Pugs, So we do have Babies alot and I do get to care for little baby puppies all the time. I could never leave my husband I made a vowel to him before God and Promised him I would take care of him.
I just need to Be able to find peace with, what I am going through now wanting a baby of my own to love.
Thanks though for the advice!!!
I'm glad to see that you realize a child should be wanted by both parents. There are women out there who are "deliberately careless", which is so wrong, in my opinion! I'm 44, and my kids are 23 and 19. I couldn't imagine having more children even at this age, let alone in my 50s. Of course, women are usually more limited in terms of child-bearing years than men are, but you get the point I'm trying to make, I hope!
I sincerely hope that you can make your peace with this if you decide to stay with your husband, and that you won't begin to resent him as the years pass. Please take care of yourself emotionally. I'm sorry that life bring us these kinds of very difficult choices!
YEs I know there are desperte women out there, But I am Sane, and would never pull anything sneaky trying to get PG on purpose, I love my husband and would only want a Child that was wanted by both of us.
I am worried though that I may be resentful to him,as the years pass. I am really trying to deal with all this without upsetting him or causing Problems in our marriage.
Funny you say this, I raise and show Pugs, So we do have Babies alot and I do get to care for little baby puppies all the time. I could never leave my husband I made a vowel to him before God and Promised him I would take care of him.
I just need to Be able to find peace with, what I am going through now wanting a baby of my own to love.
Thanks though for the advice!!!
I do think your husband is partially to blame in that he was so much older then you that he should have anticipated that you might change your mind about something so important, that you were too young to make that decision forever. Do the pugs satisfy your urge somewhat or bring it out even more? maybe it would be even more difficult without them.
Last edited by laysayfair; 04-15-2008 at 11:26 PM..
Reason: spelling
HUrry off to find the best attorney you can afford, and get started on divorce proceedings. You aren't getting any younger and he will NOT change his mind, neither will you - and as the year go on, and the children of your friends celebrate landmarks and milestones, you wil grow to hte your spouse more and more for what you will grow to view s his selfishness. Ultimately you will leave him anyway, but by then it may be too lat for you to meet someone who also wants kids. Leave him right away and search for someone compatible who feels as you do about kids. You will thank me later, I promise you.
Good luck to you -and boundless strength. You will need both, but you will get through this, Mommy.
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There are women out there who are "deliberately careless", which is so wrong, in my opinion! I'm 44, and my kids are 23 and 19. I couldn't imagine having more children even at this age, let alone in my 50s. Of course, women are usually more limited in terms of child-bearing years than men are, but you get the point I'm trying to make, I hope!
