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Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 8 days ago)
35,951 posts, read 18,249,493 times
Reputation: 51023
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow
I would mention that gossip is harmful, but the IMO, the really important thing that happened is that your daughter wanted to leave a situation and did. I'd tell her that she acted exactly right and that she should always feel free to call you for a pickup for any reason or no reason at all. It's very important--and in some cases can be life-saving--for girls to trust their instincts. And if you want to enforce the no-gossip angle, explain that she doesn't have to give a reason to anyone--just wanting to leave is enough.
I doubt if it was just the matter of the cat allergy. My guess is that in addition to that, the other two girls were uncomfortable for some reason. It doesn't matter why as much as it's great that they left an uncomfortable situation.
What's in bold is VERY true. It's important for everyone - not just girls - to trust their instincts. In cases where people have been nearly kidnapped but survived, they often report they knew they should get away but felt uncomfortable rejecting someone and just running. So getting out of there when you sense danger is an important skill to have. Even if you feel like a ninny doing it.
BUT. If you've been invited somewhere and are just bored, it's very rude to leave in the middle of the event. So that's a lesson. Learning to be gracious. You don't have to accept an invitation in the future, but just leaving because you'd rather be somewhere else and these people aren't really all that exciting is rude.
What's in bold is VERY true. It's important for everyone - not just girls - to trust their instincts. In cases where people have been nearly kidnapped but survived, they often report they knew they should get away but felt uncomfortable rejecting someone and just running. So getting out of there when you sense danger is an important skill to have. Even if you feel like a ninny doing it.
BUT. If you've been invited somewhere and are just bored, it's very rude to leave in the middle of the event. So that's a lesson. Learning to be gracious. You don't have to accept an invitation in the future, but just leaving because you'd rather be somewhere else and these people aren't really all that exciting is rude.
Agree that we should all trust our instincts and that it's rude to make up an excuse and leave a party early if you're bored. But we spend so much time telling our kids to be polite that sometimes we have to remind ourselves and them that manners take a back seat when it comes to safety.
I'm remembering a story a girl told when we were freshmen in college. She invited a boy to her dorm room after a party where he came on very strong. She wanted to end things but all she could say was, "Excuse me, excuse me" as she tried to push him away. It turned out fine for her but she was marveling that she couldn't come up with stronger words to let him know she didn't want to have sex.
The cutter has some scars (from who knows what) so the rumor goes around that she's a cutter.
No food? It's a BBQ. How can there be no food? Probably the truth of the matter is that some of the girls turned their nose up at the food that was offered. OR, more likely, someone had some food allergies, and couldn't eat the food that was offered.
Or, it could be that some girls are older than some other girls, and the older girls did the whole 'mean girls' thing...and it quickly turned into not so much fun. The truth is probably some where in the middle of a very wiggly line.
I think you were very right to have a talk about rumors and exaggeration. Bullying is such a pervasive thing...always has been, but your involvement will hopefully plant a seed in your daughter.
My only goal in this is to make an impression on my daughter that using gossip and rumors to get out of a situation is not cool. I asked her to imagine how she would feel if half her friends left her party early and then later you somwhow hear some cockamamie story about it.
No, it's definitely not. Good opportunity for a teaching moment, and I applaud you for addressing the situation.
I agree that you have to let your daughter manage her social life, but hopefully SHE wasn't the one saying those things. If she was, there is a problem.
If the other girls were, I would not encourage those friendships.
The cutter has some scars (from who knows what) so the rumor goes around that she's a cutter.
No food? It's a BBQ. How can there be no food? Probably the truth of the matter is that some of the girls turned their nose up at the food that was offered. OR, more likely, someone had some food allergies, and couldn't eat the food that was offered.
Or, it could be that some girls are older than some other girls, and the older girls did the whole 'mean girls' thing...and it quickly turned into not so much fun. The truth is probably some where in the middle of a very wiggly line.
I think you were very right to have a talk about rumors and exaggeration. Bullying is such a pervasive thing...always has been, but your involvement will hopefully plant a seed in your daughter.
Thanks for this, it's a thoughtful response.
I'm sure my daughter and her 2 closer friends were just bored. Kind of a lame reason to leave and it shows signs of being ungracious but that's her lesson to learn as she goes through life. Plus as another poster said I don't want my daughter to get the impression she can't leave somewhere she doesn't want to be.
It's clear now that my displeasure is more about our friend, the mom of our daughter's BF, who spun some of these rumors together out of nothing. The supposed 'cutter' wasn't even at the party, she's just another classmate. And so on. It's one thing for kids to have an active imagination, parents shouldn't feed into it.
Plus I admit to being a little extra sensitive when people judge on the basis of class or $$. To imply there was no food is rude...I know there was plenty...perhaps not as much as some people who put out a huge spread for everything (which is OK too, but a choice) but there was food.
I agree that you have to let your daughter manage her social life, but hopefully SHE wasn't the one saying those things. If she was, there is a problem.
If the other girls were, I would not encourage those friendships.
The TL/DR version:
Daughter and her 2 BFFs said very little.
Mom of one BFF spun some highly inflated stories and rumors to explain the early exit.
I think that's not cool. Leaving early might be OK, but impugning the host family and friends not OK.
Daughter and her 2 BFFs said very little.
Mom of one BFF spun some highly inflated stories and rumors to explain the early exit.
I think that's not cool. Leaving early might be OK, but impugning the host family and friends not OK.
Honestly, I would steer clear of that mom and the girl then. That is ridiculous.
Trust your daughter's instincts, but you also don't have to make it easy for these two to be friends; usually kids are good at knowing if they need to be around someone less.
However, sometimes we are driven to seek approval from someone who we should stay away from. I hope this isn't the case with your daughter and this "BFF" because if that mom is this loose with the truth, at some point she will throw YOUR daughter under the bus too.
I'm sure my daughter and her 2 closer friends were just bored. Kind of a lame reason to leave and it shows signs of being ungracious but that's her lesson to learn as she goes through life. Plus as another poster said I don't want my daughter to get the impression she can't leave somewhere she doesn't want to be.
It's clear now that my displeasure is more about our friend, the mom of our daughter's BF, who spun some of these rumors together out of nothing. The supposed 'cutter' wasn't even at the party, she's just another classmate. And so on. It's one thing for kids to have an active imagination, parents shouldn't feed into it.
Plus I admit to being a little extra sensitive when people judge on the basis of class or $$. To imply there was no food is rude...I know there was plenty...perhaps not as much as some people who put out a huge spread for everything (which is OK too, but a choice) but there was food.
I believe you on all of this. And you're right...the one mom definitely should not have fueled the flame so to speak. I'm curious, have you spoken to the BF's mother since all this? I think maybe if it were me, I'd try to have a conversation with her, about what you've found out since the phone call with her.
Maybe something like "Hey, FYI, I thought you'd want to know, turns out, the girls were basically just bored, except for the cat allergy thing. Turns out, our kids still have a lot to learn about being polite guests, and all that right? Parenting is hard. LOL" No condemnation, no judging (might be tempting though) just a "hey, here's what I learned."
I believe you on all of this. And you're right...the one mom definitely should not have fueled the flame so to speak. I'm curious, have you spoken to the BF's mother since all this? I think maybe if it were me, I'd try to have a conversation with her, about what you've found out since the phone call with her.
Maybe something like "Hey, FYI, I thought you'd want to know, turns out, the girls were basically just bored, except for the cat allergy thing. Turns out, our kids still have a lot to learn about being polite guests, and all that right? Parenting is hard. LOL" No condemnation, no judging (might be tempting though) just a "hey, here's what I learned."
My wife did, yes. I hope it sunk in.
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