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I thought this was a great article about parental authority. People often think it is their responsibility to put their kids in their "place." If you do that when they're young, you'll have trouble on your hands when they are teens.
"At its core, when kids push back at your authority, they’re trying to exert some sense of control over their own lives. They’re practicing that skill — flexing that muscle, if you will — with you.
Wouldn’t you rather your child learn to negotiate with you, first, than feel obliged to follow some other kid’s directions the first time a pushy peer says, “Come on, everyone’s doing it?” Or blindly follow the directions of an adult acting inappropriately toward your child?"
It makes me cringe when people say things like "control your children!" because you can't. There is no controlling them and if you try to, you will end up with kids that seriously rebel in their teen years or goes nuts once "released" to college. We see this all the time with teen stars (particularly Disney kids) who have every aspect of their lives controlled, once they are done, they go nuts.
Same thing happens with everyday kids, the media just doesn't make a spectacle of it. It is not your job as a parent to control your kids, it is your job to teach them and guide them to making good, responsible choices. They will fail, but hopefully they will learn from their mistakes.
I disagree. Talking back is showing disrespect. Period.
And if they are led to believe it's okay to disrespect their own parents then they will carry that with everybody they encounter. The problem is the disrespectful child turned adult won't be fired by their parents but will be fired by their boss.
I disagree. Talking back is showing disrespect. Period.
And if they are led to believe it's okay to disrespect their own parents then they will carry that with everybody they encounter. The problem is the disrespectful child turned adult won't be fired by their parents but will be fired by their boss.
Allowing a child to voice a differing opinion does not lead to a disrespectful adult if you teach that child how to communicate their wants/needs/ideas in a mature way. It also doesn't mean they always get their way. Allowing your child to engage in negotiations with you (which starts out as backtalk in the preschooler stage) will prepare and encourage them to voice their wants/needs/ideas at school and in the workplace (i.e. not be a pushover). If the parent is constantly shooting them down and telling them "my way or the highway" the child will let others do that to them as well.
Children are not our little soldiers for us to dictate to, they are their own person with their own ideas and working WITH them instead of arguing or dictating to them will teach them their wants and needs have value and so do other people's wants and needs. If anything it teaches them to BE respectful.
Allowing a child to voice a differing opinion does not lead to a disrespectful adult if you teach that child how to communicate their wants/needs/ideas in a mature way. It also doesn't mean they always get their way. Allowing your child to engage in negotiations with you (which starts out as backtalk in the preschooler stage) will prepare and encourage them to voice their wants/needs/ideas at school and in the workplace (i.e. not be a pushover). If the parent is constantly shooting them down and telling them "my way or the highway" the child will let others do that to them as well.
Children are not our little soldiers for us to dictate to, they are their own person with their own ideas and working WITH them instead of arguing or dictating to them will teach them their wants and needs have value and so do other people's wants and needs. If anything it teaches them to BE respectful.
Very well said. I don't think the previous poster read the article.
Allowing a child to voice a differing opinion does not lead to a disrespectful adult if you teach that child how to communicate their wants/needs/ideas in a mature way. It also doesn't mean they always get their way. Allowing your child to engage in negotiations with you (which starts out as backtalk in the preschooler stage) will prepare and encourage them to voice their wants/needs/ideas at school and in the workplace (i.e. not be a pushover). If the parent is constantly shooting them down and telling them "my way or the highway" the child will let others do that to them as well.
Children are not our little soldiers for us to dictate to, they are their own person with their own ideas and working WITH them instead of arguing or dictating to them will teach them their wants and needs have value and so do other people's wants and needs. If anything it teaches them to BE respectful.
Excellent.
When I was a child I was not allowed to voice my opinion. I changed that with my kids. I allowed them to voice their opinion. At times they would write me "persuasive" letters trying to prove their point (I still have some--they crack me up!).
"Talking back" isn't necessarily negative. It is a skill to stand up for yourself. I really don't even like the term "talking back" I prefer negotiate.
1) Discussing the issue, which should be encouraged if a child talks nicely and shows respect.
2) Being insolent in a nasty/whiny voice because they don't like ....... (fill in the blank)
Exactly. From the article:
"Are you teaching your child to challenge you with respect? Are you setting expectations (and positive examples) for appropriate communication? Do you help them understand and take responsibility for the consequences of their actions?"
To equate challenging with respect with "talking back" is inaccurate. My son is welcome to question something we ask/deny/expect of him and even negotiate whether it's fair or not(which he does often). But he's not permitted to be insolent or make smart retorts.
That being said, the article makes a good point, and I'll admit that I need to do better at this. I'm guilty of ending too many such conversations with an abrupt "END of discussion"!
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