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At least his girlfriend has a head on her shoulders and treats them right. It's good to know if they are stuck there, they do have someone saying positive things to them an it's not only his negativity they hear everyday.
Absolutely. They always have the option of coming here, and my son will be coming in December.
In the beginning it was rough because he and his family were telling her God knows what, and she thought I was this awful person. Over the years she has learned otherwise.
The other day I was out picking up my daughter and she came out to see how I was doing after having surgery, etc.
She is a nice lady. I do appreciate her being there for the kids when I cannot be.
That's really nice that you and she can be civil. Maybe as time has gone on, she has seen what you lived with.
I get your mourning.
I have two seniors this coming year and do not look forward to their leaving but know they have to. I'm preparing now.
My husband is great and understanding and has a much healthier way of seeing this next chapter. I know it will be fine.
I've just enjoyed them so much and don't want this phase of life to end.
That said, it's a natural life process to grow and become independent and that's what we raise them to be. So on the other side, some celebration is in order. You've accomplished something big here! You have two fine adults ready to take on the world.
I've known several women who , for various reasons, were not a day to day part of their kids' lives. In the end they concentrated on becoming great friends with their adult kids. They mourned the loss of their childhoods without their Mother in it but could not change that so were determined to have the best adult to adult relationship they could.
How did I handle it? I was proud and satisfied we had done a great job and sent them off to college knowing they would do well. Then we started the next chapter...doing it all over again. We adopted 2 orphans from Vietnam.
It wasnot to avoid an empty nest. It was not because we wanted to extend the childhoods of our two kids. It was because we felt we had parenting skills which should not be wasted. We felt there was definitely someone out there who could benefit from what we spent 20 years honing. And we were right.
As for missing my grown kids, I surely do. I am especially close to my son. He is a zillion miles away in Kazakhstan teaching at a university and before that he was 3 years in Singapore on a post doc. We talk on the phone at least once a week, we skype, we e mail daily and he comes home about every 6-9 months. It is so easy today to stay connected with loved ones so far away.
OP your circumstances are unique and sad. I can certainly understand that you would be feeling especially sad and even robbed of such an important part of your life. It seems like your ex only wanted the kids to spite you. As I remember you are getting married fairly soon. This is a perfect opportunity to build a new family dynamic with your grown children even if you all are not physically close. Make a concerted effort to include them at holidays or other special occasions. It is never too late to build this new kind of family and it will probably be very rewarding to everybody. Good luck and xxoo to KK and Charlie.
I've known several women who , for various reasons, were not a day to day part of their kids' lives. In the end they concentrated on becoming great friends with their adult kids. They mourned the loss of their childhoods without their Mother in it but could not change that so were determined to have the best adult to adult relationship they could.
How did I handle it? I was proud and satisfied we had done a great job and sent them off to college knowing they would do well. Then we started the next chapter...doing it all over again. We adopted 2 orphans from Vietnam.
It wasnot to avoid an empty nest. It was not because we wanted to extend the childhoods of our two kids. It was because we felt we had parenting skills which should not be wasted. We felt there was definitely someone out there who could benefit from what we spent 20 years honing. And we were right.
As for missing my grown kids, I surely do. I am especially close to my son. He is a zillion miles away in Kazakhstan teaching at a university and before that he was 3 years in Singapore on a post doc. We talk on the phone at least once a week, we skype, we e mail daily and he comes home about every 6-9 months. It is so easy today to stay connected with loved ones so far away.
OP your circumstances are unique and sad. I can certainly understand that you would be feeling especially sad and even robbed of such an important part of your life. It seems like your ex only wanted the kids to spite you. As I remember you are getting married fairly soon. This is a perfect opportunity to build a new family dynamic with your grown children even if you all are not physically close. Make a concerted effort to include them at holidays or other special occasions. It is never too late to build this new kind of family and it will probably be very rewarding to everybody. Good luck and xxoo to KK and Charlie.
Thanks NK. My kids are a very big part of my life. They get along wonderfully with my fiance and he would give them the world.
I was just telling him the other night that I feel like I missed out on so many years of their childhood and it is hard. It's like I missed so much of the time since they were 13 and 15. It has been rough without them and in the beginning I didn't know how I would make it.
I do think he did it out of spite, along with his mother. The kids are with me for the holidays every other year, of course now they can do what they want.
We still seem to follow the custody schedule except for him meeting me with the kids. He still gets the child support, we follow the schedule, but if it is anything that puts him out, he is done.
My son and I are closer than my daughter and I are. My ex husband would not let me see my daughter for 2 years. I think I saw her for a total of 12 hours in those 2 years and it was awful.
Now my son has started a new job so I didn't get to see him at all this past month. He is in college M-F and work M-Sat so I won't get to see him when I bring my daughter out and it is pretty sad.
I just am going to look forward to when he transfers here for his last 2 years of college.
That's really nice that you and she can be civil. Maybe as time has gone on, she has seen what you lived with.
I get your mourning.
I have two seniors this coming year and do not look forward to their leaving but know they have to. I'm preparing now.
My husband is great and understanding and has a much healthier way of seeing this next chapter. I know it will be fine.
I've just enjoyed them so much and don't want this phase of life to end.
That said, it's a natural life process to grow and become independent and that's what we raise them to be. So on the other side, some celebration is in order. You've accomplished something big here! You have two fine adults ready to take on the world.
Easier said than done, I know.
It actually is nice. She is a really nice lady. I feel bad for her, actually. I got out of the shower the other night and told my fiance that I wished I could just tell her not to marry him, but of course it is not my place.
In the beginning she must have thought pretty ill of me, but I know that was the ex and his mothers doing. Ah well.
It is a natural process. You know what it is....... I AM MY MOTHER!
My mother never let me go. She never wanted me to move out. Whenever the ex and I tried to move out and buy a house, it was never good enough. I stayed there with the ex and my 2 kids until my mom passed. I took care of her for the year before her passing.
My kids meant the world to her. All these years later, I knew there was a reason for my never leaving, and it was for me to be there for my mother. I would do it all over again.
While everybody's childhood is very very important, when you think about we live much more of our lives as adults than we do as children. Some very important milestones may have been missed and they cannot be repeated but the friendship between a parent and an adult child can be very rewarding for everybody.
As far as your relationship with your daughter, you seem to have not experienced that gawdawful friction so common between mother and daughter with your own mother so this "coolness" ( my word) with your daughter may not be entirely because of those 2 years or separation. it just might be the typical mother/daughter friction. it can be overcome. I'm about 10x closer to my adult son than my adult daughter. She is just more reserved in what she tells me while son is guilty of TMI.
It actually is nice. She is a really nice lady. I feel bad for her, actually. I got out of the shower the other night and told my fiance that I wished I could just tell her not to marry him, but of course it is not my place.
In the beginning she must have thought pretty ill of me, but I know that was the ex and his mothers doing. Ah well.
It is a natural process. You know what it is....... I AM MY MOTHER!
My mother never let me go. She never wanted me to move out. Whenever the ex and I tried to move out and buy a house, it was never good enough. I stayed there with the ex and my 2 kids until my mom passed. I took care of her for the year before her passing.
My kids meant the world to her. All these years later, I knew there was a reason for my never leaving, and it was for me to be there for my mother. I would do it all over again.
So maybe I just feel how my mom felt.....
Good luck w your seniors!
Thank you.
Your kids will be fine. A lot of times the writing on the wall is less blurry when kids grow up.
It's funny you say you are your mother. I find I am my grandmother. But she's the one that pretty much raised me. I hope to be half the person she was.
As for the empty nest. Get a puppy!! They are a great distraction and return the love ten fold.
I went into a terrible dark depression when my grandmother died. She lived with us and I was her hospice care. No aides. The darkness lasted two years and thousands in therapy but I couldn't shake it. I found this little puppy and couldn't get him out of my mind. I was in no way looking for a dog. I got him.
He did what I couldn't do which was help me see there was still life to be lived. It was terrible. I truly did not care if I were to have just not woke up in the morning. My kids, husband, therapy, nothing could pull me out of it. I still did all I had to do but it was on auto pilot. I didn't see any enjoyment in anything.
He pulled me back into life. He's sleeping next to me right now. I owe him a lot.
While everybody's childhood is very very important, when you think about we live much more of our lives as adults than we do as children. Some very important milestones may have been missed and they cannot be repeated but the friendship between a parent and an adult child can be very rewarding for everybody.
As far as your relationship with your daughter, you seem to have not experienced that gawdawful friction so common between mother and daughter with your own mother so this "coolness" ( my word) with your daughter may not be entirely because of those 2 years or separation. it just might be the typical mother/daughter friction. it can be overcome. I'm about 10x closer to my adult son than my adult daughter. She is just more reserved in what she tells me while son is guilty of TMI.
Oh we are close. Just not as close as my son and I are. She has always been a daddys girl.
My son and I are best buds. Road trips, load music and singing, the whole nine yards.... He has been calling me very regularly here lately, worried about my health. Such a sweet man I raised.
Your kids will be fine. A lot of times the writing on the wall is less blurry when kids grow up.
It's funny you say you are your mother. I find I am my grandmother. But she's the one that pretty much raised me. I hope to be half the person she was.
As for the empty nest. Get a puppy!! They are a great distraction and return the love ten fold.
I went into a terrible dark depression when my grandmother died. She lived with us and I was her hospice care. No aides. The darkness lasted two years and thousands in therapy but I couldn't shake it. I found this little puppy and couldn't get him out of my mind. I was in no way looking for a dog. I got him.
He did what I couldn't do which was help me see there was still life to be lived. It was terrible. I truly did not care if I were to have just not woke up in the morning. My kids, husband, therapy, nothing could pull me out of it. I still did all I had to do but it was on auto pilot. I didn't see any enjoyment in anything.
He pulled me back into life. He's sleeping next to me right now. I owe him a lot.
No puppies! I am a total cat lady! LOL. We have 2 cats.
I actually had issues like that after my father passed. Then my mother. I was pretty young, 21 for my dad and 26 for my mom.
It actually took me being happy in my own life to really and truly overcome it.
Now my kitties? They have been chilling with me all the while since my surgery I had last month. They always know when I am feeling badly!
I was walking around in the grocery store this am and my son called. He told me he was feeling lonesome and that he really missed me. I feel really sad for him because he has always been closer to me than his dad, and he really is not able to talk to his dad about his feelings.
He has always been open and honest with me about his feelings and the things he is going through. In the past 2 months I guess I have seen him for about 10 minutes or so.
I miss him too.... =(
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