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I have a feeling that we are comparing apples to oranges (talking about two totally different types of situations).
As a teacher, I have seen several sad situations where there is a new live-in boyfriend every few months or so in a child's life. Just when the child gets used to Daddy Joe he moves out (or is kicked out) and Daddy Andre moves in. Then a couple of months (or weeks) later he is gone and Daddy Jeremy is the new "step-dad". and over and over.
Thankfully, I did not see it happen very often, but I had one student where Daddy John and Daddy Harry and Daddy Bob usually only stayed a couple of weeks. Sometimes the child didn't even know or remember name of the current "Daddy" and it was very upsetting to him especially when each of the "temporary dads" had different rules and expectations. His Mom expected each "step-dad" to have full disciplinary power over her child but there were never any permanent or consistent rules set up by Mom, which was extremely confusing to the young child.
IMHO, there is a big difference between that type of revolving door situation and a man or woman who makes a long term commitment to their partner and their partner's children.
Recently I taught a kindergarten student who was the oldest of four children (all with different dads). The child had extreme anger issues in part because of his situation. He never saw his biological father but his next youngest brother saw his dad every weekend, as did sibling number two (different dad). So week after week on Monday my student would tell us things like his brother went to the zoo and his sister went to Chuckie Cheese and he just stayed home or his brother got a new toy and he got nothing. Mondays were hell in the classroom with this student throwing things, hitting and kicking teachers and classmates and yelling and swearing in his anger. Of course, his behavioral problems probably were not just because of his home life, but it certainly made it far worse. He was especially resentful of the baby in the house because her dad was currently living in the home and she got to spend every day with him.
PassTheChocolate, apparently, you were a loving, long term committed adult in your step-children's homes but not all live in boy friends and girl friends are long term or committed, that is why so many posters were telling the OP to leave (unless he was committed to a permanent relationship with his GF).
I agree. I know these situations exist. I don't really know that this is the case with the OP. But I doubt it would make a difference. There are a lot of people who think this way, regardless of the level of commitment. Step parents have no say.
Sorry to be so blunt about it, but if your GF plans to let the kids just do whatever they want, you're in for a miserable time.
Sorry...I have to agree here. Mom is immature, and non-supportive...and basically neglecting her duties as a parent to teach her children.
If you find yourself as more of a meal ticket, and less the adult in a mutually supportive relationship...Bail quickly!
Yep. Not your children, not your business. You don't discipline someone else's child. Move out.
This is partly true. Not your bio child, but definitely your business. As the other adult in the household, legally you will be held accountable for any issues that come up, especially while they are under your supervision.
I know, It is hard to believe, since almost all professional's say hands off( figuratively) to the non-bio adult. But, if you had left that child out, and she got into some sort of trouble, you could have been charged with neglect.
This is something you should be aware of, considering that child will not listen to anything you say....And, the next one in line is watching her. I do not think many ppl think this sort of thing thru....
Hey everyone, I just moved in with my girlfriend last month, and she has 3 kids. They are 18, 12, and 9. The middle child (12 year old) is the one I'm having issue with. The 12 year old is a girl and has a speech disorder.
IMO, unless you get married and become a REAL parent, there's not much you can do to HELP those kids.
I am a "middle child" and could tell you a lot about what I believe has happened to make the 12 yr old that way but it would mostly be speculation. All I can say is that, very bad and inadequate parenting played the biggest role in how I became such mess as the middle child [google it].
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My issue is that she does not do what her mother tells her a lot of the time, and now I have run into this problem myself a few times when trying to tell her to do some things. She will also come up to me and act like she's playing as she hits me again and again. I'll kinda laugh/smile to be nice as to say I know you are playing, but when I say stop she will continue. Then she will do things like grab my phone and hold it as if she is playing keep away.
IMO, this is all about someone FAILING to teach her proper social skills long ago so she just doesn't know how to act! It's her childish way to get attention and be intimate due to very bad early training so, she really is a VICTIM of NEGLECT plus maybe some genetic or disorder thing.
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The mother/my girlfriend always cleans their mess and occasionally tells them to clean things, but the younger one will do it as the 12 year old kinda goes away to play without doing it or without consequences.
The younger one has been conditioned to be the People Pleasing-CareTaker and the middle kid has been conditioned to be the Lost Child/Scape Goat. Not sure what the older one has been trained to be but it's all the sad consequences of INADEQUATE parenting!
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This came to a head for me the other day. The mother was at work and I was headed to work, so I told the 12 year old to come inside and lock up until the mother comes home. Well her response was, "No,...No"..as she smiled and continued walking outside to play. I had to leave, so I just left. I kinda gave up on telling her.
You were seeing the dire consequences of INADEQUATE parenting there!
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Anyways, I've come to my gf about these issues, and brought up a rewards system for behavior. She was for it until I told her that anyone who broke the system's rules couldn't be rewarded. I don't know what to do. My gf says she is easy on the girls because they never had a real father figure. Don't know how I should deal with this situation.
I'd marry the woman and then, as the real dad, I might consider HELPING my kids by both me and their mother getting into Parenting Classes or seeing a counselor to teach both of us how to HELP our kids acquire normal, healthy socialization BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
Finally, as the middle child, I had to learn the hard way out in the cold, harsh world how to behave normally thanks to the serious failings of my parents so I completely identify with what the 12 y.o. is going through and it could all be avoided or HELPED with just a few good parenting tips.
good luck,
jim
I'd marry the woman and then, as the real dad, I might consider HELPING my kids by both me and their mother getting into Parenting Classes or seeing a counselor to teach both of us how to HELP our kids acquire normal, healthy socialization BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
Marrying their mom does NOT make him the REAL dad! They have a REAL dad. He's their biological dad. Any man who marries their mother will ALWAYS be their step-father.
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