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Move out. You are not a step-parent. You are the boyfriend. You are the guy the mother is sleeping with.
Meanwhile there are kids who have to somehow deal with the lousy hand they got dealt. (I'd bet the rent they have different fathers.) Including one who has special needs who is obviously acting out because Mom decided it would be a good idea to have her boyfriend in the house. (No, Mom. It was a horrible idea.) SMH. I feel SO sorry for the kids who have to live in these situations.
Me too. God only knows what these kids have already been thru.
Hey everyone, I just moved in with my girlfriend last month, and she has 3 kids. They are 18, 12, and 9. The middle child (12 year old) is the one I'm having issue with. The 12 year old is a girl and has a speech disorder.
My issue is that she does not do what her mother tells her a lot of the time, and now I have run into this problem myself a few times when trying to tell her to do some things. She will also come up to me and act like she's playing as she hits me again and again. I'll kinda laugh/smile to be nice as to say I know you are playing, but when I say stop she will continue. Then she will do things like grab my phone and hold it as if she is playing keep away.
The mother/my girlfriend always cleans their mess and occasionally tells them to clean things, but the younger one will do it as the 12 year old kinda goes away to play without doing it or without consequences.
This came to a head for me the other day. The mother was at work and I was headed to work, so I told the 12 year old to come inside and lock up until the mother comes home. Well her response was, "No,...No"..as she smiled and continued walking outside to play. I had to leave, so I just left. I kinda gave up on telling her.
Anyways, I've come to my gf about these issues, and brought up a rewards system for behavior. She was for it until I told her that anyone who broke the system's rules couldn't be rewarded. I don't know what to do. My gf says she is easy on the girls because they never had a real father figure. Don't know how I should deal with this situation.
I have successfully raised 7 stepkids, so I can speak with a fair amount of experience on this. Mine are all now grown and have told me they want to raise their kids the way I raised them, not the messed up way their mom did. Their mom did what your GF is doing... so kids KNOW.
I have to agree with all the posters who tell you to end it and move out because of the bolded statements above.
If you cannot get the mother to act like a grownup and take charge of her children, it will only get worse and not better. If the daughter is a pain at 12, then all hell will break loose when she hits 15.
Here - I'll put it in caps so you don't miss it: YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH A DISRESPECTFUL CHILD. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH A SPINELESS MOTHER WHO DOESN'T RESPECT HERSELF ENOUGH TO DEMAND RESPECT FROM HER CHILDREN.
How I entered a relationship with step kids:
I sat with my partner and made agreements...
1. We will set rules together for the kids
2. We will post these rules on the refrigerator
3. We will hold family meetings once a week and discuss how everyone is doing - both good and bad
4. We will not allow the children to play us against each other or against the other house
5. We will never say anything bad about the other bio-parent or her living arrangements
6. We will make it clear that our rules govern our home. Whatever their other bio parent does in her home is her deal
7. He will sit the kids down and lay down the law: they WILL respect me, I am one of the authorities in the house and he and I stick together on the rules. Any disrespect towards me will have consequences (and he had to agree to what those were and to administer them.)
8. I agreed that in situations where we did not agree, he had the last word, as he was the bio parent
9. I also made it clear if he was not willing to do these things the relationship was over.
Hey everyone, I just moved in with my girlfriend last month, and she has 3 kids. They are 18, 12, and 9. The middle child (12 year old) is the one I'm having issue with. The 12 year old is a girl and has a speech disorder.
My issue is that she does not do what her mother tells her a lot of the time, and now I have run into this problem myself a few times when trying to tell her to do some things. She will also come up to me and act like she's playing as she hits me again and again. I'll kinda laugh/smile to be nice as to say I know you are playing, but when I say stop she will continue. Then she will do things like grab my phone and hold it as if she is playing keep away.
The mother/my girlfriend always cleans their mess and occasionally tells them to clean things, but the younger one will do it as the 12 year old kinda goes away to play without doing it or without consequences.
This came to a head for me the other day. The mother was at work and I was headed to work, so I told the 12 year old to come inside and lock up until the mother comes home. Well her response was, "No,...No"..as she smiled and continued walking outside to play. I had to leave, so I just left. I kinda gave up on telling her.
Anyways, I've come to my gf about these issues, and brought up a rewards system for behavior. She was for it until I told her that anyone who broke the system's rules couldn't be rewarded. I don't know what to do. My gf says she is easy on the girls because they never had a real father figure. Don't know how I should deal with this situation.
-I admire that you want to help your girlfriend.
What you need to realize is, this parenting style has gone on long before you got there.
It would not be a bad idea for the both of you to go to therapy, have several sessions, and then include the children.
There is nothing wrong with therapy, and it may help the children's adjustment along with your adjustment to a new situation.
I have successfully raised 7 stepkids, so I can speak with a fair amount of experience on this. Mine are all now grown and have told me they want to raise their kids the way I raised them, not the messed up way their mom did. Their mom did what your GF is doing... so kids KNOW.
I have to agree with all the posters who tell you to end it and move out because of the bolded statements above.
If you cannot get the mother to act like a grownup and take charge of her children, it will only get worse and not better. If the daughter is a pain at 12, then all hell will break loose when she hits 15.
Here - I'll put it in caps so you don't miss it: YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH A DISRESPECTFUL CHILD. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH A SPINELESS MOTHER WHO DOESN'T RESPECT HERSELF ENOUGH TO DEMAND RESPECT FROM HER CHILDREN.
How I entered a relationship with step kids:
I sat with my partner and made agreements...
1. We will set rules together for the kids
2. We will post these rules on the refrigerator
3. We will hold family meetings once a week and discuss how everyone is doing - both good and bad
4. We will not allow the children to play us against each other or against the other house
5. We will never say anything bad about the other bio-parent or her living arrangements
6. We will make it clear that our rules govern our home. Whatever their other bio parent does in her home is her deal
7. He will sit the kids down and lay down the law: they WILL respect me, I am one of the authorities in the house and he and I stick together on the rules. Any disrespect towards me will have consequences (and he had to agree to what those were and to administer them.)
8. I agreed that in situations where we did not agree, he had the last word, as he was the bio parent
9. I also made it clear if he was not willing to do these things the relationship was over.
Yeah, name calling makes it all better. Seriously. You don't know the dynamics before the boyfriend came along.
Sorry to be so blunt about it, but if your GF plans to let the kids just do whatever they want, you're in for a miserable time.
Either go along with the way she parents or move out. It is not your place to be telling the kids what to do anyway. That's her place and it's her place to determine how to discipline. If you don't like it. You know where the door is.
I agree this situation is unlikely to succeed. And while I don't blame the kids, I only see this as getting worse. The 12-year-old who is a problem now will only get worse when her hormones kick in. Whatever her disability is, it's likely to get harder for her to deal with when she is a teenager. Is she getting some kind of therapy? The youngest child is watching everything she gets away with and will model that behavior. The 18-year-old has probably already checked out mentally from this unpleasant scene.
I also agree with the advice you've gotten from other people: if you are absolutely in love and already committed to a marriage with your girlfriend, then start family counseling immediately. If not, move out and just date her. You have nine years until you can even THINK about the youngest child leaving the home. Do you really want to live like this for that long?
Sounds like the 12 year old is crushing on you with her playground behavior. Get yourself out of the situation. I don't know how women with baggage are able to get men. Hope you aren't paying more than 50% of the rent and expenses. Next relationship, pick a woman without kids.
Sounds like the 12 year old is crushing on you with her playground behavior. Get yourself out of the situation. I don't know how women with baggage are able to get men. Hope you aren't paying more than 50% of the rent and expenses. Next relationship, pick a woman without kids.
Sounds like the 12 year old is crushing on you with her playground behavior. Get yourself out of the situation. I don't know how women with baggage are able to get men. Hope you aren't paying more than 50% of the rent and expenses. Next relationship, pick a woman without kids.
What ever led you to believe this cold has a crush on the OP? That is sort of disturbing good jump to that idea.
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Either go along with the way she parents or move out. It is not your place to be telling the kids what to do anyway. That's her place and it's her place to determine how to discipline. If you don't like it. You know where the door is.
