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In theory, at my house, we buy clothes for the kids for when they are here. Their other parents buy clothes for when they are there.
In actuality, we buy the bulk of the clothes for all of the kids, whether we are receiving or paying child support for them. Because my ex doesn't notice that the kids have outgrown their clothes and keeps sending them here in clothes that are too small. Because stepdaughter is sent here in ratty clothes or ones that are 3 sizes too big, so I confiscate those too - even shopping at Goodwill, there's no excuse for that.
It's not about the money, it is about what is best for the children. You cannot force your ex to spend the child support money the way you think he should. You cannot force him/influence/educate him/etc to do anything. All you can do is focus on you and your daughter, your relationship together, and make sure that you are giving her what you think she needs. NOT as part of a power struggle with your ex. NOT in response to how you think she will react. Solely because it's what is best for you and for her.
Sometimes children upon living with the other parent discover that th absent parent isnt as bad as they thought. Giving it some distance and time may help this conclusion come about. Make the daughter aware she is welcome at any time, but that you wont force her.
Forcing it is unlikely in my opinion to make it better.
I agree.
OP, I would give it a little time too. Somehow assure her you are still there for her, you're her mother etc.etc.
I truly hope that he does go on with his life and I pray that he finds someone else..... I feel blessed that I was able to extricate myself out of that situation and am devastated that my daughter is apparently choosing to remain there...
Look, my sister's husband beat her, raped her, and kicked her while she was pregnant. Oh, and he cheated with her best friend! Her kids took the divorce out on her because she was the one who left and moved them out of state for safety reasons . Most of the time, she maintained her composure with her children throughout all the bad-mouthing her ex did. Once in a while, she would say something. It was very hard for her.
But guess what? They are adults now. They are fully supportive of her. They see this "pillar of the community" for the piece of ***** that he is. But you know what, he is still their father. And it sucks.
You caused all of the drama yourself regarding the cousin's sleepover. Instead of interjecting yourself in the situation, you should have simply handed her the cell phone and told her to call her aunt and uncle to ask if her cousin could sleep over. Since you know your family doesn't like him and is afraid of him, they would have said no, and your daughter wouldn't have been mad at you. If they said yes, she wouldn't have been mad at you. By removing yourself, it would have been a win/win no matter how it turned out.
Of course your buy your daughter school clothes. The child support isn't supposed to cover all of her expenses.
Aggie... you are correct I cannot force him to use $$ to spend on daughter.... It just angers me that after taking 1/3 of my net income... he still expects me to buy all of her school clothes. LOL!! His income is actually more than mine now and yet he puts the burden on me to buy her clothes... He knows I will because I can not have my child going to school looking ratty tatty.
Thank you so much for your reply... I am printing this out since you have listed several things that I find helpful... Especially the letters...
You're welcome. I hope for the best for you and your daughter.
Given the opportunity, time does heal all wounds. Try not to ruminate on what a jerk he is. Your obligation is to yourself and your daughter. If you have to spend more money so she will not look like a ragamuffin, it is money well spent. Be happy about what you can do for her, not unhappy about what he won't. Perspective.
And I guess that answers another question I had... Even though I'm paying close to a grand per month... I should still purchase her school clothes... And new shoes... He refuses to spend money on her school clothes.... Says he will just take her to Goodwill...
Not knocking goodwill... She likes vintage clothes but I am sure she would like new stuff as well. She fully expects to go school shopping... My friends/family say I should refuse unless he spends at least half... Because of her bad attitude...
It seems like conditional love to not buy her clothes because she's acting hurtful and disrespectful.
BTW If you read the recent thread about buying school clothes many parents do not buy an excessive amount of clothes just because it is "back to school" time. I doubt that at 14 she has "grown out" of everything that she owns and wore last year. Many parents just buy a few clothes as they are needed. Perhaps you can buy your daughter a nice first day of school outfit and the new shoes that she needs. And, a month from now go shopping again and buy another outfit, if she needs one, then.
There would be several advantages to that, first of all it would spread the money that you spend over several paychecks and it would mean several nice times shopping with your daughter. If you buy her a couple of pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts and a couple of sweaters, and even a couple of pairs of shoes. I bet by next time she may not have even remembered that you did that for her.
Aggie... you are correct I cannot force him to use $$ to spend on daughter.... It just angers me that after taking 1/3 of my net income... he still expects me to buy all of her school clothes. LOL!! His income is actually more than mine now and yet he puts the burden on me to buy her clothes... He knows I will because I can not have my child going to school looking ratty tatty.
3.5 years.... 3.5 years.... 3.5 years...
Maybe your daughter choses to look "ratty tatty" at school. For many teens it is a choice.
You are correct lil shorty.... Complaining is not going to stop him... I just have to prove him wrong... She is still immature... As she grows older and mature she will see for her self...
You don't have to prove him wrong. Just ignore him to the extent that you can. Only deal with him when you must deal with your child's issues. Do not waste a second proving him anything.
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