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You might be able to get the court to force visitation. But at fourteen, she's got a lot of say in the matter. Maybe it's time to back off, and send her a letter telling her what a wonderful person she is, that you're sorry about the current conflict, that you love her, you'll always be her mother, you'll always be there for her, and that she should call you when she wants to see you, which you hope will be soon. And when she does call you, don't say anything critical, don't give advice, just treat her like a friend and enjoy being with her. She's far more likely to come around that way, than if she is brought in by force to a counseling session with you.
She has some say in who she lives with not whether or not she spends time with the other parent. Unless the court deems her unfit or a danger to her child then she has to spend the time with her mother that the court allots. Failing to do so actually would put her Father in contempt of the court.
I am inclined to back off only to protect my own feelings. I am so tired of these games at my emotional expense. But people keep telling me she is my daughter, I owe it to her to fight for her even if she is too young and immature to understand it is for her own good.
The court did not order him into counseling.... only the daughter. And I had to fight TOOTH AND NAIL for that because he was dead set against her talking with a counselor.
I am inclined to give this some more time to simmer. I really believe that now the divorce is over, that he will stop indulging her wishes as a way to get back at me.... that he will grow tired of being responsible and will start digging at me for being the absentee parent... maybe then my attempts to re-establish relationship with daughter will be more successful...
I just worry that at this age without some sanity and positive influence that I will have more serious problems on my hands with her in the near future.... 14 is a pivotal phase in a person's life.
I wouldn't back off because likely that is what she is expecting you to do. In her mind you gave up on the marriage so naturally you will give up on her. I'm not saying that the Father isn't filling her ear, but you should consider your own actions on why your relationship is so strained with her. Often as people we fail to include ourselves in the reasons why relationships are not as good as would hope.
Sometimes children upon living with the other parent discover that th absent parent isnt as bad as they thought. Giving it some distance and time may help this conclusion come about. Make the daughter aware she is welcome at any time, but that you wont force her.
Forcing it is unlikely in my opinion to make it better.
Be sure to document everything you do to comply with the court's recommendations.
And if you choose to communicate by the mail use a registered letter. They have to sign on the other end that they have received it and you get a receipt.
You need to own whatever your part is in this drama. The court ordered YOU and not your ex into therapy with your daughter. Your daughter is upset with YOU. There must be a reason, other than her father is a bad guy. I would love to see you reflect on your role in the current situation. I think it will help you resolve the bitterness. You don't have to tell us here on CD what your role is but you should think about it and act to make it better.
That is not to say that I think everything is your fault. I don't. But you can't control the other players in the drama and you can control your own actions.
I do think you should fight to see your daughter. I would call your lawyer to see what advice he/she give you regarding what to do if she does not show up for her visitation.
Thank you for everyone input. I met with the counselor that I selected for my daughter. It was suggested that I go myself to learn how to better deal with her in the list effective way... Also it would appear to my daughter that this is my my therapist and my daughter is meeting therapist for MY benefit she may be more open to the idea...
So a couple of weeks had gone by and as a poster suggested time out seemed to help...
She is back to seeing me and in fact is leaning toward spending even more time with me because she is not liking the rules at his house.
He asked me to continue the same rules at my house to that we have consistency
I believe he just wants to make sure that she doesn't get fed up with him and his house as she did to mine.
I have to admit that I'm reluctant to go slog with this since when I asked his assistance when I was having difficulty he flat out refused and basically said it was MY problem since he had no problems... HIS relationship with HIS DAUGHTER was fine...
So of course here comes the manipulation trick....
My daughter and I went out of town to visit with my family…
When it was time for us to return to our city she informed me that her cousin my niece would be accompany her to her dads house.
When I question who had set this up she informed me that her dad suggested it.
He suggested that my knees go an hours drive away to spend the night with him and my daughter and he never talk to my sister my nieces parent nor my grandmother who would be taking care of my niece nor myself...
No consideration who would be driving her back to the house or if it would be okay with her parents just put it out there
So when I said that was probably not a good ideal it's something that we need to plan for not just a last minute literally last minute spur of the moment thing.... My daughter became upset and now looks at it as if I am the one who ruined everything
My thought is if he was responsible he would speak to an adult before he talk to the children.
So my thought is this was just a set up to cause my daughter to be irritated with me once again and drive over wedge between us..... I guess I was making some inroads with her and he felt insecure so he fix that!
I don't see how him saying it is fine with him if your daughters cousins spends the night is being manipulative. As teenagers, they sort of handle sleepovers on their own. I suspect, that your ex, like most parents, thought you daughter would then invite her cousin over, the cousin would then ask her parents if it was ok. Until they even know if the cousin wants to spend the night there is no reason to arrange anything.
You didn't really need to get involved at all beyond telling your daughter that is between your niece and her parents.
Otherwise I am glad to hear things are progressing.
She is back to seeing me and in fact is leaning toward spending even more time with me because she is not liking the rules at his house.
He asked me to continue the same rules at my house to that we have consistency.
You should have your rules and let him have his rules. There is no reason to have the same rules in two different houses if the rules are extreme. I've seen this happen---where children were prohibited from watching any TV whatsoever at one house and that parent expected the other parent do the same thing. She's old enough to understand rules can be different in two different households. If he thinks he'll lose her because his rules are too strict, he'll have to revisit himself, not try to control what you do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcam213
My daughter and I went out of town to visit with my family…
When it was time for us to return to our city she informed me that her cousin my niece would be accompany her to her dads house.
When I question who had set this up she informed me that her dad suggested it.
He suggested that my knees go an hours drive away to spend the night with him and my daughter and he never talk to my sister my nieces parent nor my grandmother who would be taking care of my niece nor myself...
No consideration who would be driving her back to the house or if it would be okay with her parents just put it out there
So when I said that was probably not a good ideal it's something that we need to plan for not just a last minute literally last minute spur of the moment thing.... My daughter became upset and now looks at it as if I am the one who ruined everything
You should have stayed out of this. What he decides while she is at his house isn't your business.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714
I don't see how him saying it is fine with him if your daughters cousins spends the night is being manipulative. As teenagers, they sort of handle sleepovers on their own. I suspect, that your ex, like most parents, thought you daughter would then invite her cousin over, the cousin would then ask her parents if it was ok. Until they even know if the cousin wants to spend the night there is no reason to arrange anything.
You didn't really need to get involved at all beyond telling your daughter that is between your niece and her parents.
My niece is 10... Not a teen. My X was not very close to my family.... He seldom went to family gatherings and would consistently call after a couple of hours to complain about how long I was gone until just to stop the complaining I would leave my family gathering early after arriving do late in the afternoon. So thru the years there was resentment on my family's side .... And he knew this and didn't really care... So to suggest that my 10 of niece do a sleep over without me present.... Seems a bit strange. Especially since the entire time I was married my niece NEVER not one time did a sleep over and in fact only visited my home with other family maybe a total if 5 times.... Out of 10 years...
My niece is 10... Not a teen. My X was not very close to my family.... He seldom went to family gatherings and would consistently call after a couple of hours to complain about how long I was gone until just to stop the complaining I would leave my family gathering early after arriving do late in the afternoon. So thru the years there was resentment on my family's side .... And he knew this and didn't really care... So to suggest that my 10 of niece do a sleep over without me present.... Seems a bit strange. Especially since the entire time I was married my niece NEVER not one time did a sleep over and in fact only visited my home with other family maybe a total if 5 times.... Out of 10 years...
Just very unusual.
I think I see why your kid is annoyed with you. It isn't unusual, he is making an effort to ensure his daughter keeps contact with her maternal relatives. Seems like a decent gesture, by which you return the favor by insinuating something unacceptable.
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