Time for a man to man with my son...explosive situation. (attorney, support)

[LLCNYC]

Originally Posted by theatergypsy

In a time when it was unheard of, my Father was awarded full custody of me at the age of 7. It was almost five years before I saw my Mother again and another year before I was allowed to spend school vacation with her, her new husband and my four-year-old half brother. (I was unaware of the existence of either one)

Years passed and although I had a sort of relationship with Mother, my Father NEVER, not once, said anything about her or the circumstances of their divorce. He left it up to me to determine for myself what kind of person she was. I eventually did.

I suggest you consider doing the same. But only if you value your relationship with your boy.

What a great dad! Truly.

[Pinkmani]

I'm so sorry that you're so ill.

This is quite common in divorces. Does she know that you're sick? I guess that doesn't matter because she doesn't care.

I'm sure your son will understand. Good luck!

[NVplumber]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

My reaction partly depends on what the OP is going to tell his son. From his second post it appears that it is more than just his ex-wife lying about financial matters and lying about the OP. If it is only about those two things just tell him the truth.

However, OP, if you are going to share things that may be considered "private and personal" I suggest that you reconsider. Let's say that the skeletons involve your ex-wife having an affair---do not share.
Your ex-wife's suicide attempt ten years ago---do not share if her depression is under control.
Your ex-wife's poor money management skills ---do not share.

However, if you and your ex-wife have been hiding actual mental illness (bi-polar disorder, on-going severe depression) or a severe physical illness (MS) or an on-going drug or alcohol problem or perhaps your ex-wife's criminal record your now adult son probably should be told but someone else, his mother's siblings or a grandparent should tell him and not you.

Depending on what you need to tell him it may be best if someone else, a close family friend, relative, therapist or doctor, is also there to verify that what you are saying is the truth.

Just a few things to consider.

There's a lot I could respond to here.but maybe I can cover most of it off this post. As to him being stuck in the middle and used as a pawn, the ex has already done that. She went where she shouldn't have gone. The skeletons that I'm want to clear out remove him from that situation. As I said before, I have no desire to flame his mothers character. Actually, she has done that herself. She lost her bid to keep me financially beholden. What she was demanding was quite impossible. It sent her over the edge.

My son is quite aware of what my disability is and he was there when I was hospitalized. So, her telling him I'm faking the disability so I don't have to keep paying her isn't washing out well. But, that's where she started. (Sigh) From there it got even better. She told BIM I was a drug addict, and that she didn't tell him before because she didn't want to diminish me in his eyes. Oh my!! Her "proof" of that allegation was showing him my veterinary hypo kit that got left in my cabinet in my former office. It was part of the horse gear my Dad left me, a VERY nice kit, in a velvet lined , leather bound case. She knows full well what that kit is for, a d never mind that the smallest needle in the kit is a 12ga antibiotic needle. But I've never used that kit when I have the horses shots, so my son never saw it.

Then, she had her oldest, from her previous marriage, who has disowned me, call MY mother, to tell her about my "drug habit". Enter my Mom into the mix, understandably upset. Adding insult to injury, she also tells him my current is also a main liner since the two of them used to be friends back in the day, she knows this, see, and it was no doubt her that got me into needles. Oh....Gawwwwwd! My son really likes her, and its reciprocated. so that has him spun. The wbopper went Super Size from there, as she regaled him with my supposed infidelity with my current, which is when I "got into needles". Wtfe.

There was infidelity all right. But not on my part, and certainly not with this lady. It goes on and on, and all this has happened in the space of a week, since court. She even threw some of this nonsense at the judge! After three years, and both of us in new relationships, uncorking this bottle is just jaw dropping.

To clarify, when I talked of seeing what kind of a man he's becoming, it not me telling him anything, and guaging his reaction I'm talking about. Its what he has to say to me that will be the tell I'm looking at. My answers to his questions are where GBE skeletons will start rattling the door. He's understandably upset. Be doesn't know enough about a lot of things to come to terms. He does know, for certain. I'm not "faking" my disability. Its downright nasty.

I figure to let him guide the conversation, and set his own priorities for what answers he wants most. And I will answer, with no attempt at deception. Within reason.anyway. He know there are certain places that are off limits.

[LLCNYC]

What answers he wants? Does he even care? He's a kid! Telling him she was unfaithful? She lies about needles? Other skeletons? What guy who just graduated HS wants to be involved with his parents crap????

Tell him you don't have a addiction & your disability is real & be done with it. Sorry, I get you are angry but throwing gasoline on an inferno isn't going to change anything except fuel it. It will never end. All these skeletons you talk about releasing makes you seem just as angry as her. You can stop this drama train wreck by being the bigger person & choosing to ignore her BS. If it isn't true, who cares what she says? She will dig her own hole in that case. You trying to set straight all her accusations makes it appear that you still care or they have truth to them.

Not for nothing...you ARE financially responsible for him. "She lost her bid to keep me financially beholden." Well she did lose when for whatever reason you didn't pay. Only the govt can garnish your wages & have you arrested, she cannot.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by NVplumber

My son just graduated. His mother and I divorced three years ago, and it was and still is ugly. He has been distant from me for about six months now. I spent 7 weeks in the hospital starting in January, and have been unable to work since February of 2013. Consequently, my support payments fell behind, as they constituted over 50% of my income when I was working. A very hefty sum.

The ex and I met with the child support worker, and I explained the situation. I had no income and am quite physically disabled. An aggressive, degenerative bone disease, caused by prior severe trauma left me unable to be on my feet for long periods, and the secondary infection was causing horrid pain and drainage from the injured leg. This stopped them from pulling my DL, or arresting me, but when I was hospitalized and waiting for a determination from SSDI, the ex had them rescind the order, and they took my DL and threatened arrest.

Thing is, it gets far worse than all that, but that's not my issue now. I need to tell my son the truth about what's been going on. When my SSDI went through, the ex had a garnishment oder ready and waiting. She takes it all. I have nothing left. My child support is all caught up, which is good. but she's been getting alimony as well. What she has told my son is that I have been a deadbeat. It seems that he's buying it as well. Today, he's coming to see me, and we need to air things out.

My son and I were always very close. Almost inseperable. I have gone to great lengths to keep him seperated from the venom between his mother and I, but I can't do that anymore. Some recent actions taken by the ex have forced my hand, and if I don't hash this out with my son, it will ruin our relationship. He's not a boy anymore, but this will be a heavy dose of time to man up for him. I have a considerable amount of trepidation about this, but, is HAS to happen. He needs to know the truth, and I can't cover his mothers character to preserve his image of her any more.

I accepted being the "bad guy" , and have still managed to have a decent relationship with my son for the last three years, but these recent events can't be glossed over. I had hoped his mother would get over her bitterness, she has a new relationship. as do I, but that's not happening. and my son has become a pawn for her vindictiveness toward me. Its time he knows the truth, but it will shatter his image of his mother. I don't want this, but I'm left with no choice. If I accept status quo, my son will have an image of me that is skewed and not so good. I have to answer this, and unfortunately, it involves him.

I'm going to find out for sure if how I raised him and what I've taught him about being a man took at all. Being a parent doesn't get any easier as children get older. In this case, this is the hardest thing I've had to face. And, I have no choice but to face it head on, guns blazing. My entire relationship with my son is at stake. His mother has left me no choice but to give him the brutal and uncensored truth. And that is NOT a pretty thing.

I pray, fervently, that he can handle it. Today, I will know what kind of a man my son has become, from the boy I raised.

Why would you involve your son in something that is between you and his Mother and the legal/courts?
It is not his concern the details of your agreement with his Mother.
Also, your statement about her taking "all" of the disability payment is doubtful, even the courts do not expect one to live on nothing.
Take her back to court for a reduction of alimony or to quit it completely. Obviously if you are on disability you are no longer able to pay whatever amount was originally ordered.

Leave your son out of this mess but if he asks you any questions tell him the truth.

[Metlakatla]

This whole thing sounds like a big old mess. It sounds like there are no adults in this kid's life who have the slightest lick of sense.

Your job now is to be a mentor to him for as long as he'll let you, but do that without the drama. Focus on helping him make good life decisions as a young adult rather than gossiping about other family members. It won't do you or him any good to smear his mother's name. He's certainly got some inkling that she's not June Cleaver.

[Kitty4]

What I understand from what you've said is that your son knows she's lying about your disability being fake. So you think maybe he has other questions now about what other lies she's been telling him about you. Why should you live with him thinking lies about you? Why is that appropriate? She sounds like a manipulative nightmare that you should be glad you're divorced from. You should set the record straight with your son that you weren't a drug addict, when she said you were. That you weren't cheating on her, when she said you were. Etc. Her web of lies needs to be exposed. Your kid is obviously confused and doesn't know what to think of you. Why should you continue to let him think the worst about you? Other responders here believe that you should continue to hide the truth from your son and let him believe you're a jerk that caused the divorce that emotionally traumatized him. That somehow he's going to want you to "mentor" him. Yea, right. The truth is a hard pill to swallow, and many people don't want to hear it or know what it is, but it's still the truth, and if you're not the jerk your wife told him you were, then fix it any way you have to. He's YOUR son.

[NVplumber]

Sheesh....I could write pages in response to a lot of this. Firstly though. I want to make it perfectly clear that I have NEVER been an absentee Dad. Ever! These problems I currently have all started up when my son graduated. and emancipated. This ended my financial obligations. Child support and spousal. She took me back to court to extend the spousal. Indefinitely. She lost. That kicked off her smear campaign. As for my DL, the suspension order had been rescinded because I COULDN'T pay the full amounts. The ex went down to the DA and told them that I had money enough to pay it, and was hiding it, so they reactivated the suspension. And her say so was all it took.

So yes, SHE made that happen. The other things I've mentioned , my hypo kit and such, are just a smattering of what she has done. All because she's mad that her gravy train is leaving. I volunteered to pay what I was paying, because at the time I could afford it, and gave her EVERYTHING, to keep from a nasty, mudslinging court battle.So my son didn't have to see this GS get uglier. Money and "stuff" don't mean squat to me. I'm not a material guy. I thought by just living with little for a while and not fighting about anything, it would simplify things some. I was wrong.

I have NO intention of talking with my son about any infidelities, I am NOT launching a counter smear attack. My son wants some answers to some of the things that have been said and done regarding me. He will have them. To the poster that said something about me being a "whiny little *****", wtfe. Up till now. I have always let the exes vindictive cfap roll off me. What she has pulled now is a different critter, and I'm withholding the details of the big stuff. What I have detailed is just the stupid little things. Annoying and uncalled for, but pale in comparison to the main event.

That's the things I need to talk with my son about. Some certain documents will have to come out.timines gone over the whole CSI Miami bit. Things about my past that were shared in confidence with the ex hears ago, I now have to talk over with my son. These were no evil things, but they are intense, and have been twisted into a weapon to malign my character. War stories, they are never pretty.

Yes, its a mess. All because of money. Good grief! Money! I wish I could put a pile of it in front of her and burn it.

[aquietpath]

If your son wants answers, then I see no problem with giving them to him. It will help him deal with the biased info your ex has given him and give you a chance to clear your name. Don't blame you for wanting to do that - it sounds as though your ex has really acted horribly, and you are well rid of her.

IMO I do agree with some of the posters in that some personal things that should stay between your ex and yourself should stay personal (as long as the ex hasn't brought them up). No point in putting your son in the middle of more mess.

[trishguard]

So how did everything go?