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I would host Christmas. Don't cut them off completely. I do think that is petty though I understand the hurt place it's coming from.
I always think the best revenge is to rise above. Be better than that. Right now she's seemingly acting this way for no real reason, so certainly don't give her one. Y'all keep your noses clean and make her look like an azzhole. LOL. Besides, the kids and your wife's mom pay the price ultimately, and they didn't do anything to deserve the fractured family situation.
I am in favor of the kids getting to play with their cousins as much as possible but I do think you certainly don't have to spend all your time waiting for your SIL in order for your kids to have a social life. Certainly build your own "family" with new friends, other kids, etc. You can keep inviting the cousins but if they turn you down just keep it moving. Leave the door open but certainly don't wait beside it with hungry eyes. LOL
Respectfully, I'd back off and not try so hard. It's a lovely notion to have one big happy family of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. but that's not as easy as it once was and people's expectations are different now for a variety of reasons.
If I can ask, why is it supposedly not as easy to do now vs 30-odd years ago, and why would people's expectations change? If that has happened & I somehow missed the memo, shame on us. We used to get together at our grandfather's (mother's side) every Sunday practically & we cousins had a ball. Even if people nowadays do such things less than every Sunday, say every OTHER Sunday, with them doing their own thing on the other Sundays, that's fine. But for it to be to where it almost never happens, frankly I find it ridiculous. I'm mainly thinking of the kids forming bonds with the other cousins, realizing with total realistic expectations that not all of the adults are going to like each other equally, and in some cases, at all. However, for the sake of keeping the family somewhat whole & for the kids to be able to have a "free range" playful childhood, you freaking DO IT.
I do understand not everyone likes each other equally. I had many cousins and aunt/uncles on those Sundays, but some I didn't care that much for, while others I loved to pieces. However, I imagine those whom I didn't like that much were liked by others, between it all everyone had someone to play with, and every aunt/uncle had someone to talk to while we kids played. It was as if there were "fractions" within our family, and it was fine.
On a related note, although it has nothing to do with this, every year I've also spent hours creating an end-of-year DVD with video clips & photos set to music and edited etc. Typically the 1st 3 minutes or so is an upbeat song with a compilation of many segments of video clips & photos, then in the middle about 20 minutes of different videos spliced together but with the original audio, and then a "closing" compilation much like the first segment only with more "sentimental" music rather than "upbeat." It takes me HOURS to do this, but the whole family looks forward to it.
Well, the last 2 times they seemed less excited about it & frankly it's very exhausting to me anyway. The last couple of years I've stated that I would probably not do one, but I always end up doing one anyway. However I may well not do one this year. It really is VERY exhausting & as of late they don't seem to be into them as much anyway. If I do one, it's apt to be a MUCH shorter one than in years past. Besides, I've learned to cook a lot of foods I didn't know how to before, so I'm apt to focus my efforts on that instead. Who knows?
Just because people are relatives, it doesn't mean that they will like each other or get along. She just probably doesn't like her. Period. You don't have to do anything bad in particular to rub someone the wrong way. Some people are just not...just don't have the right chemistry with other people and are...offputting...shall we say.
For example, I don't like people with a bubbly personality. They can be very nice, but they just kind of annoy me a bit. So I try to stay away. I will help them when they need help, I will be nice to them. But I just don't want to be around them.
About favoritism, yes, people do that. Even though in theory it's not supposed to happen. But in practice it's much more easier and convenient and pleasant to pick and choose. It's kind of like not inviting certain people to your party because you know that they will be a bad addition to it. Maybe these other kids don't play well together and it's best to have them separated.
Hopefully though, there are other measures taken to make them feel accepted, maybe they go to a different gathering or get some other treat at a different time.
Nothing is more grating to me than a bubbly person.
If I can ask, why is it supposedly not as easy to do now vs 30-odd years ago, and why would people's expectations change? If that has happened & I somehow missed the memo, shame on us. We used to get together at our grandfather's (mother's side) every Sunday practically & we cousins had a ball. Even if people nowadays do such things less than every Sunday, say every OTHER Sunday, with them doing their own thing on the other Sundays, that's fine. But for it to be to where it almost never happens, frankly I find it ridiculous. I'm mainly thinking of the kids forming bonds with the other cousins, realizing with total realistic expectations that not all of the adults are going to like each other equally, and in some cases, at all. However, for the sake of keeping the family somewhat whole & for the kids to be able to have a "free range" playful childhood, you freaking DO IT.
Not necessarily, and you're making my point for me. If the adults are not comfortable with each other they're not coming and they're not bringing their kids. Family dynamics change over time and spouses who marry into the family aren't invested in your family traditions like you are. They may have other ideas on how to spend their free time. I don't think you can force this issue, as you see, it hasn't been working.
The end-of-year DVD sounds cool. But do it for yourself, not for those who no longer seem interested. That's one tradition over which you have complete control.
Are you really sure they "all love playing with each other"???
Keep in mind, your kids are ALL younger than ALL of the sister's kids.
Back when I was a kid, playing with older kids was super-cool. Playing with younger kids was super-lame. And the age difference doesn't have to be that much.
Point being, YOUR kids might love the get-togethers a lot more than the older kids do.
When I was 9 or 10, I would ride or walk a few minutes to the houses of my friends, who were also aged 9 or 10. We'd play until one of us got bored, then go home. If you offered me the opportunity to instead go on a 20 minute car ride each way, just to play (for a fixed time) with a 6-year-old and an even younger sibling???? No, thank you!
That would explain the phony excuses and hedging. Less painful to evade than for the sister to have to explain to your wife, "Truth is, my kids would rather hang with their school friends."
You're making this out as if it's a big affront to you and yours. It might be ( and probably is) as simple as the kids themselves being older and no longer interested in "play dates". Could the sister force her kids to play with yours? Sure. But that's not reasonable or useful.
IMO, the whole play date concept is big from about ages 4-8. Your kids are in the prime of that, the sister's older two kids have aged out. Simple as that. No reason to read more into it, unless you're looking for unneeded drama.
Some earlier poster advised letting this go and playing with the neighborhood kids instead. Very sound advice.
Just a thought I don't think anyone mentioned this....Maybe it has to do with her sister's husband...maybe he has a problem with your wife or kids....and the sister is trying to avoid conflict
Big G has a good point, her kids may be telling her they don't like your house, nor babysitting younger kids. Sossie too, husband may hate ya.
Option 2, your wife and sister have been talking crap about each other for years regarding parenting styles as you've mentioned you think the sister has no parenting skills and just lets her kids eat and play whatever they want. That gives me a clue that you and your wife might have spread that around until the sister got pissed enough and decided to opt out of having you deal with her "under managed" children.
Option 3, you spank and she doesn't believe in spanking. (I've seen this one in action)
Option 4, you and your wife are paranoid and spend to much time trying to control that which you cannot and the sister is irritated with it, and doesn't want anymore "paybacks" or "remarks" from your wife through the family circle.
Option 5, the sister is the one who is talking crap, to the brother and the 3rd one is out. Sometimes family dynamics play out this way. One is always out while two talk about the one so they bond over it. Sad, but see it all the time, it plagues families and friend circles.
Option 6, The parents of your wife, sister and brother are encouraging this misunderstanding, the family dynamic is based on hearsay instead of communication.
So many options, I could go on and on...........so could you. But, why bother?
Rise above it and just worry about your own family. Have Christmas and don't say anything, invite everyone and be happy with any who show up. Stop trying to set play dates so YOU aren't disappointed. Stop feeding into your wife's misery, try instead to encourage her to drop it and move away from it.
Also, the habit of always doing things for others, buying things for others isn't a healthy habit. She needs to stop the caretakers mentality, she will only hurt herself with this. She is setting herself up for disappointment from the get go. People don't look at this as friendly behavior but controlling behavior. It IS passive controlling behavior and mentally she expects to be paid back for the donation. I would encourage her to stop doing this.
And last but not least - Remember your problems are trivial compared to those who've just suffered great loss or illness and you should be thankful for what you already have instead of wanting more from others. You sound happy with your family, and proud. Go with this. This will be a great lesson for your children instead of encouraging them to miss the cousins they don't get to see, or watching their mother suffer mentally because of her sisters choices. This is my opinion only, but my advice is here for the taking if you want it.
To the OP, its all about his wife, his kids, his DVD. As was said, the older kids probably dont want playing with little kids anymore, the rest of the family is probably groaning over suffering thru another DVD. 25 minutes? really?? Sounds like when Uncle Bob breaks out the photos of his yearly trip to Yosemite and makes everyone go thru page after page after page....
Anyway, the point being concentrate on your own family, not the extended family. You can't pick your extended family, but you can pick your friends and those who like you and your kids. You can't push a rope.
Have you asked your SIL why she doesn't want the visits? It sounds like there is a riff between your wife and her sister, or there is more to the story that you don't know or not saying.
If it bugs you that much, then ask your SIL what's going on. Maybe something was said or done and she took offense but kept it quiet.
Truly, I think you should leave it alone and find other cousins or friends for your kids to play with.
Meh. There are 4 of us and between the four of us we have a total of 19 kids (7 are step-kids). Rather people like it or not...kids are people with personalities. My niece and my daughter are about a year and a half apart. They are VERY different people and have never enjoyed playing with each other. Well...beyond the toddler age. My son and same niece are the same age (born a month apart). He never wanted her over because she would break his toys.
I had cousins who were close in age that I *HATED* being forced to play with.
On the other point, my brother (the youngest) has ALWAYS gone and picked up my sisters kids, taken them places, bought them things and this continues now that he is married with 4 step kids. I can probably recall 3 or 4 times in my kids 13/15 years that he has picked them up to spend the night at his house or take them to a movie or something like that.
:shrug:
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