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So our 5 1/2 year-old daughter recently told us that she is very jealous of the fact that I (the father) give so much attention to our 20 month-old son.
You see, my wife was diagnosed with an illness when she was 35 weeks pregnant with our son. 2 weeks later, she gave birth. (He’s happy and healthy.) 2 weeks after that, she began some grueling medical treatments and surgeries that lasted for over 1 ½ years. During that time, I had no choice but to care for our newborn son, while working full time and completing graduate school, and I admit that we oftentimes took shortcuts with our daughter, like throwing her in front of the TV so she can keep herself occupied. Though my wife is better now, and life in general has settled down quite a bit for all of us, our son is still attached to me, which is something that we’re obviously working on.
My bigger concern is how we can address our daughter’s feelings. I can definitely see from her point-of-view as to why she feels neglected/less favored, but trying to reason with her is not really effective, perhaps since she’s still young.
What can we do as parents? I’d appreciate any advice you may have.
Thanks.
I think the advice you have been given about taking her out more one on one is a good idea but due to the seriousness and her age I really think you should seek the help of a child psychologist. Not only could your daughter end up with permanent issues with regards to relationships she may forever hold resent me towards her brother. A professional can make sure that all your good intentions are also good ideas.
Ummm....one doesn't reason with a 5 year old. 5 year olds need to see and experience things in order to understand them. The advice of spending time alone with your daughter is the best solution. Don't tell her, show her.
I'm going to get on my own personal soapbox here, but there has been quite a bit of research done in the past 30 years indicating how critical a father-daughter relationship is. This relationship impacts intellectual development, moral development, and the way a girl will relate to future partners.
OP-the fact that you're asking for advice tells me you're on the right path. Best wishes.
Sometimes you can reason with 5 year olds. I would also explain to her that the circumstances made it very difficult to spend enough time with her and thank her for being such a good kid through it all. Not exactly apologize but almost. You can tell a child that you really really love them but haven't been able to be there enough for them.
Sometimes you can reason with 5 year olds. I would also explain to her that the circumstances made it very difficult to spend enough time with her and thank her for being such a good kid through it all. Not exactly apologize but almost. You can tell a child that you really really love them but haven't been able to be there enough for them.
I am another one in the camp of action, not words.
You can say all the pretty things in the world, but it just opens a dialogue with a small child who will realize by her saying she's jealous, she got rewarded with time alone based on your suggestion above. It's best to just move on and just spend time with the child and not explain WHY so much time will now be spent with her because of this etc. Not to mention bring up a stressful time. It's like we always advise when the kids are having a tantrum, you walk away or redirect. This situation is one of those where you redirect with positive action. And not a "reward" type action.
I am another one in the camp of action, not words.
You can say all the pretty things in the world, but it just opens a dialogue with a small child who will realize by her saying she's jealous, she got rewarded with time alone based on your suggestion above. It's best to just move on and just spend time with the child and not explain WHY so much time will now be spent with her because of this etc. Not to mention bring up a stressful time. It's like we always advise when the kids are having a tantrum, you walk away or redirect. This situation is one of those where you redirect with positive action. And not a "reward" type action.
Actually I did not say not to spend time with her. I just am saying that you can also talk with a child. I talk with my kids all the time.
Originally Posted by momtothree View Post
I am another one in the camp of action, not words.
You can say all the pretty things in the world, but it just opens a dialogue with a small child who will realize by her saying she's jealous, she got rewarded with time alone based on your suggestion above. It's best to just move on and just spend time with the child and not explain WHY so much time will now be spent with her because of this etc. Not to mention bring up a stressful time. It's like we always advise when the kids are having a tantrum, you walk away or redirect. This situation is one of those where you redirect with positive action. And not a "reward" type action.
Actually I did not say not to spend time with her. I just am saying that you can also talk with a child. I talk with my kids all the time.
Quote:
Malamute
Why not do both? Spend time AND talk with her.
See bolded above. Plus kids don't live in the past, they are very much into NOW. She talked about being jealous of the attention the OP gives to the son now. With the OP already taking the right steps, he doesn't need discuss WHY they are spending time together. Just let it happen so it isn't a forced or big production of hey you were jealous and I feel guilty so here we go, we are going to spend time together!
So our 5 1/2 year-old daughter recently told us that she is very jealous of the fact that I (the father) give so much attention to our 20 month-old son.
You see, my wife was diagnosed with an illness when she was 35 weeks pregnant with our son. 2 weeks later, she gave birth. (He’s happy and healthy.) 2 weeks after that, she began some grueling medical treatments and surgeries that lasted for over 1 ½ years. During that time, I had no choice but to care for our newborn son, while working full time and completing graduate school, and I admit that we oftentimes took shortcuts with our daughter, like throwing her in front of the TV so she can keep herself occupied. Though my wife is better now, and life in general has settled down quite a bit for all of us, our son is still attached to me, which is something that we’re obviously working on.
My bigger concern is how we can address our daughter’s feelings. I can definitely see from her point-of-view as to why she feels neglected/less favored, but trying to reason with her is not really effective, perhaps since she’s still young.
What can we do as parents? I’d appreciate any advice you may have.
Thanks.
It is understandable why your son has a closeness to you, but the fact that your daughter has told you, at only age 5, that she is jealous, shows that she is given a lot less attention. Make special time just for her. Time where you spend time all alone with her, whether it be putting a puzzle together, or reading, or playing in the backyard, or even going to a movie together, out to lunch, anything, just you and her alone. Make an effort to include her as much as possible at home. I think if you make her feel special and show her a lot of love she will come out of this.
I am another one in the camp of action, not words.
You can say all the pretty things in the world, but it just opens a dialogue with a small child who will realize by her saying she's jealous, she got rewarded with time alone based on your suggestion above. It's best to just move on and just spend time with the child and not explain WHY so much time will now be spent with her because of this etc. Not to mention bring up a stressful time. It's like we always advise when the kids are having a tantrum, you walk away or redirect. This situation is one of those where you redirect with positive action. And not a "reward" type action.
I don't agree with this.
It depends on the child, too. Some, at 5, will still be easily redirected and 'live in the moment'. Other kids, however, can be a lot more emotionally mature and sensitive at that age, especially girls, and will definitely understand a talk. What's wrong with 'opening a dialogue' with a child, if it's on their level? A five year old is not a baby. Actions are great, they're necessary. But sometime, especially with a kid who is more sensitive or stubborn or prone to being moody, they may not be noticed or recognized as such if they get stuck in the mindset that "mom and dad are mean, they only care about the baby, etc". Even as adults, you know how you can be pissed at a spouse and then everything they do becomes annoying - even if they may be trying to make us happy? Goes double for kids. If she's sulking, she may not enjoy that outing or recognize it as special time - she may think she's getting dragged along to do something lame or whatnot. If she knows you recognize the issues and want to fix them, that she's being heard and listened to, it may go a lot better. JMO.
Wow, look at the sheer variety of responses. Talk, show, both.
OP from your daughters POV this has been going on for almost 1/3 of her life as far as she is concerned it is just the way things are. Seriously, go see someone with some training who can gauge what is best your your daughter in terms of strategies to make sure she know this was just a temporary situation.
See bolded above. Plus kids don't live in the past, they are very much into NOW. She talked about being jealous of the attention the OP gives to the son now. With the OP already taking the right steps, he doesn't need discuss WHY they are spending time together. Just let it happen so it isn't a forced or big production of hey you were jealous and I feel guilty so here we go, we are going to spend time together!
I didn't say to tell her that "hey you were jealous and I feel guilty so here we go....". Not really sure where you read that. I said you can discuss with a child. Explain that it was difficult with all that was going on, thank her for being a nice kid through it all and that you're sorry you didn't give more time.
At least my kids by age 5 could understand quite a lot and I talked with them, told them the truth about things.
More than the experience with my kids was a couple I was close to whose 2nd baby was in the ICN for almost a year which meant they had to visit the hospital every evening and leave their 2 year old. They knew there was a lot she may not have understood but they showed her pictures of her sister, they talked to her about how hard it must be but they had to also spend time with the sister. I think talking with the child did help. They often understand more than some think they can.
I didn't say to tell her that "hey you were jealous and I feel guilty so here we go....". Not really sure where you read that. I said you can discuss with a child. Explain that it was difficult with all that was going on, thank her for being a nice kid through it all and that you're sorry you didn't give more time.
At least my kids by age 5 could understand quite a lot and I talked with them, told them the truth about things.
More than the experience with my kids was a couple I was close to whose 2nd baby was in the ICN for almost a year which meant they had to visit the hospital every evening and leave their 2 year old. They knew there was a lot she may not have understood but they showed her pictures of her sister, they talked to her about how hard it must be but they had to also spend time with the sister. I think talking with the child did help. They often understand more than some think they can.
Oh don't get me wrong, I think they are more than capable of understanding. But according to the OP, this happened about 5 or 6 months ago. That's why I wouldn't bring it up personally and remind her of a rough time. Right now it has been about 5 months of it being settled and what's bothering her now is that the son is very attached and it seems like the OP is paying him more attention. That's the issue to address right now, If the illness was still ongoing (and thank goodness it's not!) then yes a talk is very much warranted. But that's not the issue in the OP.
As for the bolded above, I was paraphrasing. It's what I feel like the tone of the "talk" with the child would be as you suggested a few posts before would convey. It's just different parenting styles. I believe in living in the now and future and not bringing up the past mistakes/issues.
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