My 18 yo moved out (teaching, boy, accident, child)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ivory, I know it seems like the world is crashing down right now and I feel for you. My girls are 16 and 13 and my oldest is getting a bit big for her britches. When they are basically good kids it is tough to get blindsided like this.
Here's my 2 cents: I don't think your husband was so wrong in taking dd 15 to the police station. by letting them step in and provided the punishment you have to some degree let her know that you are not just being unreasonable parents. SHE was breaking the law. What about the people who provided the alcohol? I would go after them next. If she was at a house the owners of that house are responsible. Did the cops take this any farther? I would consider deflecting the blame off your daughter onto others while also making them take responsibility. Regardless, the deed is done, and you may be better able to unify your family by putting your argument with your husband aside and finding a way to get on the same page as him.
I'd probably pull dd 15 from cheerleading or give her a series of steps she needs to take to remain on the squad, or find some other consequence that would limit her time with the kids she feels a need to keep up with. IT's the old "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?" all over again. If she can't drive, too bad. She shouldn't be driving if that is the kind of judgement she has. Remember, it isn't about getting Drunk. At age 15 it is illegal to drink AT ALL.
As for your older DD, it sounds to me like you were plenty easy on her. No chores, no job, you paid her tuition,gas and fed her each night? I would not be surprised if she realized that someone else's parents are not so easy to live with and she comes home after a while (and yes, I think you hit the nail on the head with the overnight sleepovers.) If she were away at college she could sleep with him whenever she wanted. You might want to reconsider your ground rules. Have you talked with the other parents? Maybe they are hoping the same thing and not as supportive of the plan as you have been led to believe.
Hang in there!!!!
The problem is she feels her parents betrayed her. My concern is if everything she wants, cheering, the ability to get a job without having to say she's been arrested which will stop her from getting a job, and her drivers license are taken away in one fell swoop, there will be no consequences she cares about.
At that point, I'm sure all hell will break loose.
To a certain extent, kids will be kids and it's not uncommon for teens to drink. I don't condone it but it's not something unusual. The question is how to deal with it. Is taking away everything she loves the answer? And once you've done that, what does she have left? Cheerleading is not the issue and neither is driving. Drinking is the issue. THAT's what we have to fix. I'm hoping the court will, at least, give her the ability to earn back her driver's license.
Dh and dd met with a lawyer today and dd and dh have an appointment with a counselor later this week. I can't get off of work so I won't be going to the initial session.
I just pray she stays in school and doesn't get knocked up. It is so hard watching them make the mistakes you made. /QUOTE]
Don't pray, or pray if you want, but get her some birth control ASAP. Preferably one that is implantable, so she doesn't forget to take a pill.
Tried that. She wants nothing to do with BC because that's what caused me to have a stroke at 18. I tried to tell her that BC pills are different today and don't carry the same clotting risk but she won't listen. That's why I'm afraid she'll get knocked up. Condoms are one of the less reliable forms of BC and I assume that's what they're using.
I'll make a couple of comments and largely echo some other advice I've seen here.
My observation is that you are a strict parent and I wonder if part of what you are seeing from your girls is simply rebellion. I'm sure your 15 year old daughter is a bright child, but I wonder if 4 AP classes and the other things you describe isn't overdoing it a bit? We feel much pressure as parents to push our children to succeed in this competitive world. I'm not certain though that this attitude doesn't cause burnout and rebellion among some kids who just can't deal with it all at once.
I won't say what I think of your husband for turning the youngest daughter into the police. There were different ways to handle her use of alcohol and this was a poor choice. As far as the older girl goes, she is 18 and there is very little you can realistically do if she is determined to go this route. I hate to say "that ship may already have sailed", but perhaps it has. You mention yourself you moved in with a boyfriend when you were 18. Very often children "do what we do" rather than "do what we say".
Here's my advice:
1. Older daughter. As someone suggested: Try to get her on birth control ASAP. Accept the notion she is going to have educate herself that this may be a poor choice of a lifestyle. Indicate to her, she can come home when she figures that out, but you will furnish no financial support to aid her in what is a poor lifestyle choice (other than perhaps paying for her birth control and medical needs). Comfort yourself with the notion that young people, properly raised, usually do regain their moral compass and return to the fold.
2. Younger daughter. Get a lawyer. Do what you you can to minimize these charges. After this is done, you can worry about working out an arrangement for her to pay you back. At this point in her life, you want to minimize the affect on her record. Do analyze her situation with alcohol. Is this a one time thing, or could she have an addiction or abuse problem? Also, consider whether its really a good idea for her to pursue the frantic schedule she must have. Does this schedule leave any time for mother/daughter talks? Do you have anytime with her alone? If you don't, this needs to change and it needs to change before she turns 18.
Good luck. I have a fourteen year old daughter and I've not contending with any of this yet.
The four AP classes were her choice. I arranged to have two of them dropped at the beginning of the year because I felt she has bitten off more than she can chew but she refused to drop them because someone convinced her that two of them are blow of classes....they are NOT blow off classes for her at least not with her study habits. Her study habits are dismal because she's never had to study. All she had to do was show up for the test to get a B. If she wanted an A, she did the homework. That doesn't work for her in AP classes.
Dh got a lawyer today. Dd's convinced her life is over because she can't drink at parties anymore. The lawyer said he can probably get her off without this going on her record but if she get caught in possession a second time, they will be much stricter with her. I don't know where she gets that the only way to have fun is to drink. This is one thing I didn't go through with dd#1. She doesn't drink. Neither do I. I do know that drinking among teens is common. It's a real issue at school dances where I teach. One of the reasons we put wrist bands on the students is to get close enough to them to smell their breath. That and if we kick them out we take the band so they can't have someone else let them back in.
Wow, you guys all have the most negative views possible in both situations. IMO, there is little wrong with the actions of the 18 year old. She's going to school, has a boyfriend, and has a goal for her future. Honestly, not much more you could ask for at that age other than getting a job, but it sounds like that would only hinder her not so stellar school performance.
Eh. An 18 year old college student moving in with her boyfriend is not a big deal to me in and of itself... if both parties have their heads on straight. This one however, is not particularly mature. She's never had a job, does not have realistic expectations of life in general, and doesn't seem prepared to deal with any disappointment whatsoever. She's never had to carry any major responsibility for herself or for anyone else.
I know most young people on the bubble think everything will turn out alright for them - and sometimes it does - but the odds are NOT in their favor, especially when they jump out there ahead of their own maturity curve. There is nothing wrong with being a somewhat sheltered 18 year old who has some growing to do as long as you are self aware enough to know that is what you are, and/or in an environment that is made to nurture kids just like you while adjusting to adult life. She's likely just put herself out of her pay grade. She better hope this dude's parents are ready to step up to the plate.
Of course it may all turn out fine, but I certainly understand the OP's concern.
Quote:
Originally Posted by a bag of it
The 15 year old is also not a big deal, though you have certainly made it into a much bigger one that it was. People seem to forget that for every teen that is killed/hurt/raped by underage drinking there are thousands that are fine and go on to lead perfectly normal lives. When I was 14, a freshman at a private boarding school, our entire class went to Hungary for a week where we stayed with host families. In many european countries, kids this age were offered drinks. We and our parents were warned about this, but were told it was OK to accept a drink or two with dinner (GASP!). Four or five of the nights the host kids would take us out to the bar or to parties. Almost everyone drank, nothing bad happened. The reason the US has such horrible issues with underage drinking is because of the zero tolerance nature that everyone has towards it. Children see it as a way to rebel and push boundries and it eventually turns into a competition between them to get the most ****ed up. Anyways, I'm rambling now, but the last thing you should ever do is something that prevents your child from doing the things they love. No cheerleading, permit, or other activities that they love is basically like handing them a bottle and saying, "enjoy you're newly found free time"
Look. A 15 year old having a couple of drinks at a party? Illegal but it happens. My parents let me sip a glass of wine at Thanksgiving at that age. Parents will punish but it's not usually a extinction-level event. A 15 year old getting fall down drunk? Less common but it is in the realm of things we've seen before. Punishment is necessary, parents will handle it. A 15 year old coming home drunk AND belligerent, who even after they sober up still believes they are ENTITLED to get totally wasted whenever they feel like it? THAT IS A BIG DEAL. This kid is delusional and full of bad ideas. If you think a 15 year old girl getting totally fall down drunk, and openly planning to do so on a regular basis like it is her birthright, is something parents should just be "less uptight" about you are nuts. That kind of thing is indeed dangerous and needs to be reacted to strongly. No, I would not have taken her to the cops. But I damn sure wouldn't have said "yeah, I am being too conservative with my attitudes towards alcohol here". Nope.
Tried that. She wants nothing to do with BC because that's what caused me to have a stroke at 18. I tried to tell her that BC pills are different today and don't carry the same clotting risk but she won't listen. That's why I'm afraid she'll get knocked up. Condoms are one of the less reliable forms of BC and I assume that's what they're using.
you need to get her to a doctor so he can explain all the other forms of BC there is. there are also shots she can take that last for 3 years. if she doesn't want to take BC then she really either wants to or doesn't care if she gets pregnant
The problem is she feels her parents betrayed her. My concern is if everything she wants, cheering, the ability to get a job without having to say she's been arrested which will stop her from getting a job, and her drivers license are taken away in one fell swoop, there will be no consequences she cares about.
At that point, I'm sure all hell will break loose.
To a certain extent, kids will be kids and it's not uncommon for teens to drink. I don't condone it but it's not something unusual. The question is how to deal with it. Is taking away everything she loves the answer? And once you've done that, what does she have left? Cheerleading is not the issue and neither is driving. Drinking is the issue. THAT's what we have to fix. I'm hoping the court will, at least, give her the ability to earn back her driver's license.
Dh and dd met with a lawyer today and dd and dh have an appointment with a counselor later this week. I can't get off of work so I won't be going to the initial session.
You didn't betray her. She betrayed you. And, by the same token, you aren't taking things away from her, she threw them away. That's the message she needs to receive.
I guess it's too late for this now, but you and your husband need to have a unified front dealing with both daughters, but most especially the 15 year old. I know you don't agree with what he did, but don't say anything in front of her that puts him down. It shows weakness on the part of both parents and fifteen year olds will use that in the future. It's typical of teenagers to subtly -- or not so subtly -- work both parents against one another.
I'm not sure what I would have done in his shoes and I guess for any of us to make an informed judgement, we would need to know more of the story. Was this her first time coming home drunk? Was it a party at a friends house? Were other parents involved? You say she's a good student with all kinds of after shool activities going on, but how is her attitude at home?
Your husband should have got your opinion on this, but if he felt strongly about taking her to the station, then he was probably going to do it come hell or high water.
While I don't agree with what he did, I told her that it was her decision to get drunk that started this snowball down the hill. I didn't just say I didn't agree with her dad even though I don't. I think that this should have waited until morning when cooler heads prevailed and told him that when he told me he was taking her to the police department. Seriously, what good does taking a teenager who is too drunk to reason correctly to the police do? It's not like they can talk some sense into a drunk teenager. I could see taking her the next morning to be talked to. THAT would have made sense to me and if that's the way it was handled she wouldn't have blown up at the cops. The problem is he took a drunk, belligerent teenager in to the police and expected a rational reaction from her. Serious brain fart there.
I think she should have been grounded from all parties for a LONG time. As far as we know, she only drinks at parties. We'll see what the court is going to do. Right now it doesn't feel like we'll survive this.
Eh. An 18 year old college student moving in with her boyfriend is not a big deal to me in and of itself... if both parties have their heads on straight. This one however, is not particularly mature. She's never had a job, does not have realistic expectations of life in general, and doesn't seem prepared to deal with any disappointment whatsoever. She's never had to carry any major responsibility for herself or for anyone else.
I know most young people on the bubble think everything will turn out alright for them - and sometimes it does - but the odds are NOT in their favor, especially when they jump out there ahead of their own maturity curve. There is nothing wrong with being a somewhat sheltered 18 year old who has some growing to do as long as you are self aware enough to know that is what you are, and/or in an environment that is made to nurture kids just like you while adjusting to adult life. She's likely just put herself out of her pay grade. She better hope this dude's parents are ready to step up to the plate.
Of course it may all turn out fine, but I certainly understand the OP's concern.
Look. A 15 year old having a couple of drinks at a party? Illegal but it happens. My parents let me sip a glass of wine at Thanksgiving at that age. Parents will punish but it's not usually a extinction-level event. A 15 year old getting fall down drunk? Less common but it is in the realm of things we've seen before. Punishment is necessary, parents will handle it. A 15 year old coming home drunk AND belligerent, who even after they sober up still believes they are ENTITLED to get totally wasted whenever they feel like it? THAT IS A BIG DEAL. This kid is delusional and full of bad ideas. If you think a 15 year old girl getting totally fall down drunk, and openly planning to do so on a regular basis like it is her birthright, is something parents should just be "less uptight" about you are nuts. That kind of thing is indeed dangerous and needs to be reacted to strongly. No, I would not have taken her to the cops. But I damn sure wouldn't have said "yeah, I am being too conservative with my attitudes towards alcohol here". Nope.
I agree. The fact she still thinks that it's her right to get drunk at parties is very scary. She thinks it's the end of her life because she can't drink at Sadies this year, homecoming her senior year and her prom. I'm very bothered by the fact she thinks drinking is the only way to have fun. She has no idea how much trouble she could find herself in. She thinks she's safe because she goes to parties with friends and has a ride home prearranged (her best friend's sister who was quite the little drinker herself in high school picks them up) but a lot can happen when you're too drunk to respond well. It's this idea she has the right to drink that is really bothering me. I still would have preferred to handle this by just grounding her from parties but of course that would ruin her life too.... I'd like the tears to stop. Both hers and mine right now.
As to dd#1, I'm amazed his parents let her move in given she doesn't even have a job. I'm not sure why they'd sign up to another mouth to feed. Make that two given he spent more time here than at home. We were also buying dog food for her dog and paying his vet bills. Of course he's good for a year. She did wait until after his yearly check up to move out. This dog has a $20/week rawhide habit or he chews blankets and towels.
The problem is she feels her parents betrayed her. My concern is if everything she wants, cheering, the ability to get a job without having to say she's been arrested which will stop her from getting a job, and her drivers license are taken away in one fell swoop, there will be no consequences she cares about.
Hello? That's what punishment is. Tell her she gets to start earning back these things by not being a 15 year old drunk.
Seriously, Mom, you need to start being more of a parent and less of a worry wart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
At that point, I'm sure all hell will break loose.
Because, so far everything seems to be just peachy!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
To a certain extent, kids will be kids and it's not uncommon for teens to drink. I don't condone it but it's not something unusual. The question is how to deal with it. Is taking away everything she loves the answer? And once you've done that, what does she have left? Cheerleading is not the issue and neither is driving. Drinking is the issue. THAT's what we have to fix. I'm hoping the court will, at least, give her the ability to earn back her driver's license.
"Kids will be kids" is a cop out and you know it. My hunch is that the 15 year old has heard that from you before. I'm not naïve enough to think my kids won't drink in the coming years. I did when I was in high school. But there will be consequences and that's on them, not me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The lawyer said he can probably get her off without this going on her record but if she get caught in possession a second time, they will be much stricter with her. I don't know where she gets that the only way to have fun is to drink. This is one thing I didn't go through with dd#1. She doesn't drink. Neither do I. I do know that drinking among teens is common. It's a real issue at school dances where I teach. One of the reasons we put wrist bands on the students is to get close enough to them to smell their breath. That and if we kick them out we take the band so they can't have someone else let them back in.