Do I say something to my sons grandma?

[MrBitterness]

What's he in jail for?

[Mattie]

OP, if I'm reading your post correctly, your son hasn't had his birthday yet. If she has remembered in the past, she still may be sending a card. I wouldn't do anything proactively, and I agree that it may be time to let you son realize adults don't always do the right thing. I'd wait for him to bring it up.

The suggestion to let your son call her on her birthday is excellent.

[aliss2]

Here is my advice, from a parent whose own parent does not give a flyin' fig (and my father is in his early 50s, I don't see age as being relevant, although I'm sure dementia is). Leave it be. Do not impress your own perceptions/baggage on it. What *I* tell my child is that grandpa loves him. That's it. I don't tell him grandpa should make an effort, I don't tell him that grandpa is a raging drunk, I just tell him "grandpa loves you... what cereal do you want for breakfast?".

At age 10, there is no shame in the child just calling grandma and saying "it's my birthday, how are you today, grandma?". It's not worth the war. Whatever her reasons for not doing it, are her reasons to own up to later when he's 20-30 and decides to reflect on it. Until now, just let the 'little man' be the 'bigger man'.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Oleg Bach

Very good advice. I was imagining an old lady of 75- a 40 year old is a young person...The child's grandmother probably believes YOU are the reason for the break down...and she might be subtly punishing you- Time to make friends...setting an example of good and kind behavior by having the 10 year old call her is very intelligent. A child of 10 needs family..The grandmother is young enough to be his mother...You have time on your side as far as life and the future- make friends as I mentioned. Personally I just got word that I will have a granddaughter soon...I called up everyone and let them know WE will have someone sweet to hang out with and we can share.

When I read the original post I was thinking that grandma may need reminding because she was elderly and forgetful.
A 40 year old is still a young woman. When I was 40 I still had a preschool age child, I can't imagine being a grandmother at that age. Perhaps she doesn't want to be reminded that she is a grandmother of a TEN year old. Yikes!

I agree with some of the posters that by age 10 you should "let the chips fall where they may". If grandma forgets his birthday, so be it. It may be worse if he finds out later that you had to remind & even bug grandma to remember it.

Also, since his birthday isn't here yet she may still remember it.

[kitkatbar]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

When I read the original post I was thinking that grandma may need reminding because she was elderly and forgetful. A 40 year old is still a young woman. When I was 40 I still had a preschool age child, I can't imagine being a grandmother at that age. Perhaps she doesn't want to be reminded that she is a grandmother of a TEN year old. Yikes!

In order for the math to work out, it sounds like Grandma (and/or the OP) had their babies very young--in their teens. Some young women handle that remarkably and go on to do a fine job. The OP seems to be one of those. Others struggle with an obligation they weren't ready to assume, and since the child's father is in jail and the grandmother doesn't seem to care to reach out, I have to wonder if that could be the case.

I guess if it was me, I wouldn't push Grandma. She may not have the capacity or desire to be a grandmother figure to this child, and if she isn't, why try to push it on either of them? I can't imagine someone who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone or send a card would be someone you would want your child trying to build a bond with--and then feeling that much more hurt when they turned out not to care, which, again if they won't even pick up the phone or send a card on their own free will, you know is going to happen eventually.