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I'm curious as to why the student loans are higher than siblings - did he chose to go to a more expensive place? Were you unable to contribute as much to his college? Did he choose a degree that took longer? Or was it just because the cost of the same basic education costs more now than it did for his siblings?
I'm curious because if he's using that as a reason as to why he should pay less than his siblings and you are worried about fairness, then then the "why" of his loans being higher makes a difference in your decision. If it's because of choices HE made, then that's on him. If it's because you couldn't kick in as much as you did for the others, then it's on you.
We only have one child so we don't have to worry about fairness. But since he started working at 14, we have had him be accountable for certain things just so he "got it" as far as being responsible with money. Can't all go towards what you want it to go towards. I would guess some think we've been "meanies" in that regard all this time, but we are very generous in other areas.
I was the youngest and my 3 siblings joke a lot about me getting certain things they didn't. That kind of thing though has never caused an issue or come between anyone. We all know that life's circumstances were different for my parents, then just my mom by herself after my father died, at different points in their lives and sometimes things can't always be "fair" or even stevens.
I think you are being generous letting him live at home for any length of time being that it sounds like he has a good job.
Precedent does not come into play at all. Different people require and respond to different things. These aren't 5 yr olds. I needed more help than my better put together brother. Maybe that upset him when he was 10 but not in later years.
It shouldn't be an issue of feeling something is unfair. Frankly, it's none of their business. It's what's best for that particular person, which can be very different than what's best for others.
Not really directed at you, just a general comment.
Hmm! I'm sure.
Actually, the above is SIMILAR (note I don't say the same) as how my husband and I have handled such issues. BUT, we never set up little formulas for how much to pay, etc, nor did we share everything we were doing with our kids. To tell you the truth, we played it by ear.
Our oldest daughter hasn't really lived with us since she graduated from high school, though she did spend three summers at home while in college. She went directly to grad school in physical therapy and had her own apt. She then got a job out of town, and rented an apt. there. She desperately needed a new car. She had been living on student loans and was $90K in debt. So we gave her some money for a car.
The younger one went to college the last two years near our home, came home frequently to do laundry, bum meals, etc. She graduated from college with no plans, in the depths of the recession, 2009. (This is the same year as the older one graduated from PT school and moved out of town.) She came back to live with us. This arrangement, while not costing us much, saved her ~$1000/mo, which is about what it cost for her to live off campus while in college. So it all really worked out. She found a job at a day care center, and lived at home for a year, which was the equivalent of what we gave the other daughter for the car.
I do think that parents owe it to their kids to be similarly generous with each, not down to the last penny of course. But if these older sibs know what the arrangement was for them, and know that there's a different arrangement for this guy, they likely will be not happy about it, to say the least.
I'm curious as to why the student loans are higher than siblings - did he chose to go to a more expensive place? Were you unable to contribute as much to his college? Did he choose a degree that took longer? Or was it just because the cost of the same basic education costs more now than it did for his siblings?
I'm curious because if he's using that as a reason as to why he should pay less than his siblings and you are worried about fairness, then then the "why" of his loans being higher makes a difference in your decision. If it's because of choices HE made, then that's on him. If it's because you couldn't kick in as much as you did for the others, then it's on you.
We only have one child so we don't have to worry about fairness. But since he started working at 14, we have had him be accountable for certain things just so he "got it" as far as being responsible with money. Can't all go towards what you want it to go towards. I would guess some think we've been "meanies" in that regard all this time, but we are very generous in other areas.
I was the youngest and my 3 siblings joke a lot about me getting certain things they didn't. That kind of thing though has never caused an issue or come between anyone. We all know that life's circumstances were different for my parents, then just my mom by herself after my father died, at different points in their lives and sometimes things can't always be "fair" or even stevens.
I think you are being generous letting him live at home for any length of time being that it sounds like he has a good job.
Sounds reasonable. We are looking at this and it seems like pay your cell bill, car insurance and maintained and then pitch in for utilities, food and other costs also pitch in with help around the house. We are thinking $300 a month if you help with the workload of maintaining the house, or $450 if you don't. However it may have to phase in. One daughter is graduating with a degree in Music Ed and about $35,000 in loan debt. If she gets a job at all, it will likely not allow her to do much beyond loan payments, gas and food, at least not at first.
Cost would be different in those places, and in metro Denver, where I'm posting from, and everywhere else. However, the principles are the same everywhere.
You got yourself between a rock and a hard place with the precedent you set with the other kids. You will now have to either deal with their ire or do the same for this kid. You could come up with a "that's different" excuse, but it might not go over too well.
I would not tell other kids what I arrange with any given kid. It is none of their business. I have always made very clear to them i have no obligation or interest in trying to be "fair" Very little in life is "fair" Why is that a virtue?
To heck with "fair" I will do what is right and works for each kid.
I would not tell other kids what I arrange with any given kid. It is none of their business. I have always made very clear to them i have no obligation or interest in trying to be "fair" Very little in life is "fair" Why is that a virtue?
To heck with "fair" I will do what is right and works for each kid.
I did not use the word "fair" in my post that you quoted. I hate that word.
I get the impression the older kids know what the arrangements were for each other. The dad has a formula. "Fair" doesn't always mean equal, but I do think parents should not favor one kid over another.
I originally wrote that this is what I see as a problem in involving kids in the parents' finances, but changed my post b/c I didn't think that was real helpful. What's done is done. The OP has some 'splainin' to do if he wants to change things for this kid.
With my kids, it all seemed to work out fairly evenly, although it was different for each. I don't understand, when I already said that, why I have to keep saying it.
My parents collected $200 a month from me. What I didn't know and was surprised to find out was that they kept the money and gave it to me when I moved out and into a home with my fiance. Pleasantly surprised that is.
I thought my parents had the right idea to provide incentive and responsibility. If you were going to school full time after high school, you could live at home rent free as long as you did certain chores. Once we got a job we could live at home if we paid rent comparable to a low end one bedroom one bath apartment in the area. If we contributed to the regular duties / chores / responsibilities of activity (outdoor or indoor) we'd a get about a 10% discount. So in 90s when I was done with school and lived at home for a few years in our market that was about $350 to $450 a month by time I moved out. It was probably 15-18% of my annual gross pay at the time.
It's not so much about what other siblings made or had as debt - I fortunately did not as I worked multiple part time jobs to pay for undergrad during 80s and lucked out as first full time employer paid for graduate MBA program early 90s.
You are approaching it the correct way. Teach the responsibility, accountability, and expectation of living and contributing to normal expenses of a residence. Note, auto insurance was my responsibility and I didn't get one until I was 21 using my bicycle or walking to part time jobs or borrowing parents vehicle as needed on occasion. This may not be applicable to your circumstances. If the child doesn't like it - they can seek a better arrangement. (It will force them to do cost benefit analysis).
I will admit the economic conditions are much worse for youth of today who want to be self sufficient due to wage compression, stagnation and devaluing of dollar. I think the one part time job I had at UPS still starts at same rate or only nominally higher some 20 years later, while college tuition is up by factor of 6x to 15x at the respective universities I attended in those years. But that's a whole other topic of discussion.
Seems to me the only issue here is that your wife disagrees with you.
Seems fair to me that the kid pays the same percentage as his siblings. Tell him, and your wife, even if he paid more for student loans, he's probably making a higher salary, which will offset the difference in what he paid for student loans.
At any rate, sounds to me like the issue is getting your wife to agree with you to treat this kid the same as the others. Best way to do that, is to have a family meeting, if reasoning with the two of them alone didn't work, and let the other kids have a say.
Have them all over for spaghetti and have a round table. That ought to take care of it. And you can sit back and be the benevolent, open-minded father, husband, while letting them all duke it out....until they come to the conclusion you knew all along was right LOL!
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(It will force them to do cost benefit analysis).
