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I think I can relate to your son. I don't really enjoy the company of my parents or my brother (he's 3 years younger). My parents talk too much. My mom wants things done her way and on her schedule and my brother takes forever to do everything. I can only take them in small doses. I get really snappy and b*tchy. Vacations, spring break, winter break, etc. were horrible because I HAD to spend time with my family. Even if you don't believe in astrology, you might want to just read about parenting a ________ child (insert his zodiac sign). It helped my parents... It honestly could just be his personality. Although the anger outbursts are unacceptable. He'll have to control that.
ODD is serious and pretty extreme, although it is still a possibility. A friend of mine has a highly-functioning son with Autism. He is very active and can't sit still in class. When he comes home, he'll regurgitate everything the teacher said. Which is weird because with all the fidgeting around in class, you would think he wasn't paying attention. Sometimes when his fidgeting gets out of control, he puts on a lead vest to calm him down. It's like the vest the dentist would use for an x-ray. Within a few seconds, he's relaxed. It's a sensory thing. Weighted Vests
Here are some more ideas:
1) Film him during an outburst. When he's calmer, show him the tape and say, "This is what you look like when you get upset. I know you're not doing it purposefully, but that's pretty scary. Imagine having to deal with that every day." The idea is that he will be conscious of his rage.
2) As a family, play an imitation game. This might be quite harsh and cause another outburst. Have him go first and let him pretend to be Mom, Dad, and Sister. Then, have Sister pretend to be Brother, Mom, and Dad. I'm sure you get the idea. You might not get past his sister pretending to be him. This is to show him how his sister feels about him.
3) Try a sport/physical activity. My brother took karate, and the instructor was great. He had them recite different quotes, such as, "We don't play-fight because play-fighting turns into real fighting."
With karate, he'll be proud of each accomplishment such as moving closer to the black belt, breaking a 2' x 4', etc.
With boxing, he can save his built up aggression. Punching bags, getting to fight, etc.
With track or cross-country, he can pound the pavement and run free.
4) Take him to a ABA (applied behavioral analysis) specialist, speech-language pathologist (speech therapist), or a child psychologist.
The ABA therapist is more to improve his behavior. The SLP is not just for stuttering. Her goal is to get kids to communicate. Therefore, she will "play" with him (but she's really analyzing and trying to get him to speak about what's bothering him). The child psychologist is pretty much understood.
5) Lastly, I hate to go there... However, there's always the possibility that he has been or is being sexually abused. I know it's an ugly thought, but you can't automatically assume it hasn't happened. That could be the reason why he doesn't want to listen to anyone. The abuser would have had control over him and force him to do things he doesn't want to do.
1) Film him during an outburst. When he's calmer, show him the tape and say, "This is what you look like when you get upset. I know you're not doing it purposefully, but that's pretty scary. Imagine having to deal with that every day." The idea is that he will be conscious of his rage.
2) As a family, play an imitation game. This might be quite harsh and cause another outburst. Have him go first and let him pretend to be Mom, Dad, and Sister. Then, have Sister pretend to be Brother, Mom, and Dad. I'm sure you get the idea. You might not get past his sister pretending to be him. This is to show him how his sister feels about him.
3) Try a sport/physical activity. My brother took karate, and the instructor was great. He had them recite different quotes, such as, "We don't play-fight because play-fighting turns into real fighting."
With karate, he'll be proud of each accomplishment such as moving closer to the black belt, breaking a 2' x 4', etc.
With boxing, he can save his built up aggression. Punching bags, getting to fight, etc.
With track or cross-country, he can pound the pavement and run free.
4) Take him to a ABA (applied behavioral analysis) specialist, speech-language pathologist (speech therapist), or a child psychologist.
The ABA therapist is more to improve his behavior. The SLP is not just for stuttering. Her goal is to get kids to communicate. Therefore, she will "play" with him (but she's really analyzing and trying to get him to speak about what's bothering him). The child psychologist is pretty much understood.
5) Lastly, I hate to go there... However, there's always the possibility that he has been or is being sexually abused. I know it's an ugly thought, but you can't automatically assume it hasn't happened. That could be the reason why he doesn't want to listen to anyone. The abuser would have had control over him and force him to do things he doesn't want to do.
Oh he likes us... he's all about the family time. He gets annoyed when we don't all want to play a game together. LOL
Thanks! I like some of these ideas. Especially taping him and getting him into some type of sport. Karate sounds very good because it teaches self control and targeted aggression, plus it allows him a chance to accomplish things as an individual. I'm also thinking about looking for a kiddie meditation class.
I am very willing to take him to a child psychologist. The problem I am having is that anytime someone suggests a condition, I look it up and he's nothing like that. The description of ODD sounds nothing like him. The description of childhood depression (which at one point I assumed would be a slam dunk) is not much like him either. Even childhood anxiety isn't (he's very outgoing and will hop on a stage in a second, initiates convos with strangers - kids and adults - all the time, etc). All his babysitters love him. He's a favorite of his friend's parents. He is not a behavior problem in school. He communicates his feelings to us ALL THE TIME... often in language that makes him sound like a 30 year old man (once he blamed his bad mood on low blood sugar for instance LOL). While he has a temper, I wouldn't describe it as "rages".. it's not like he beats up anyone or breaks anything, he just gets very angry and cries very very loudly and can't (won't) stop.
Even his pessimism doesn't actually stop him from functioning, but it ups his stress level before and after he does whatever it was he was negative about. It's like he can't let himself believe things will go well. When we talk about it, he tells me he "needs to prepare himself for bad things" and "If I think it won't work then it will. If I believe it in then if it doesn't work I will be upset. This is how I cope with my emotions Mommy. You need to accept my strategy". That was a verbatim quote. LOL. He's very verbal. It's like despite his great grades, he refuses to believe he's smart. He will compare himself to his friends and believe they are smarter. Never mind he hangs out with kids who are mostly a grade or two ahead. Ugh.
I'm kind of at a loss with the negativity and the relentless talking himself down. I do think I will take him to see a professional over that. And I will look into the possibility of abuse just because you never know.
Is it normal boys around his age to really, really want to be more independent, to be a "man"? Maybe its just a gender neutral thing? Does anyone else have an intensely emotional kid? How do you deal with it? I feel like constantly punishing him won't help anything.
While it sounds like his issues are more intense than many, I don't think it is unusual at all for kids to want independence at this age.
I think that children begin to feel as if they have no control over their lives. The best remedy, imo, is to try to allow him to control when the situation is safe. When his sister is involved, perhaps they can take turns being in control. Note that the older sibling can be too bossy and this may be a trigger for him.
Others have given you good advice, so hopefully, you will get something going that helps.
My daughter is a strong-willed child, and she exhibited a lot of those behaviors in kindergarden and first grade. My stepdaughter started the emotional/negative stuff the week after she turned 6. Can't wait to see what my littlest does when he goes to school....
We addressed the pessimism with mandatory "happy thought" time. It was a game - at dinner, everyone had to list 2 things that made them smile that day. When someone was saying negative things a lot, we'd say "happy time!" and they had to take a break from the negativity and say 2 things they liked (the answers were usually the same, but that's okay, they were momentarily refocused). After a few weeks, there was a remarkable difference in DD's attitude. I can see how this could be hard for your son.
I hope you do take him to a therapist, at least for an evaluation. DD saw a registered play therapist to learn to deal with her anger and grief (her grandfathers died and her dad filed for divorce in a 6-week span when she was 4). The combination of that and a clear focus at home on positive things, learning from mistakes rather than those being the end of the world, etc, made a big difference. Although some of it may have been turning 8....
Oh he likes us... he's all about the family time. He gets annoyed when we don't all want to play a game together. LOL
Thanks! I like some of these ideas. Especially taping him and getting him into some type of sport. Karate sounds very good because it teaches self control and targeted aggression, plus it allows him a chance to accomplish things as an individual. I'm also thinking about looking for a kiddie meditation class.
I am very willing to take him to a child psychologist. The problem I am having is that anytime someone suggests a condition, I look it up and he's nothing like that. The description of ODD sounds nothing like him. The description of childhood depression (which at one point I assumed would be a slam dunk) is not much like him either. Even childhood anxiety isn't (he's very outgoing and will hop on a stage in a second, initiates convos with strangers - kids and adults - all the time, etc). All his babysitters love him. He's a favorite of his friend's parents. He is not a behavior problem in school. He communicates his feelings to us ALL THE TIME... often in language that makes him sound like a 30 year old man (once he blamed his bad mood on low blood sugar for instance LOL). While he has a temper, I wouldn't describe it as "rages".. it's not like he beats up anyone or breaks anything, he just gets very angry and cries very very loudly and can't (won't) stop.
Even his pessimism doesn't actually stop him from functioning, but it ups his stress level before and after he does whatever it was he was negative about. It's like he can't let himself believe things will go well. When we talk about it, he tells me he "needs to prepare himself for bad things" and "If I think it won't work then it will. If I believe it in then if it doesn't work I will be upset. This is how I cope with my emotions Mommy. You need to accept my strategy". That was a verbatim quote. LOL. He's very verbal. It's like despite his great grades, he refuses to believe he's smart. He will compare himself to his friends and believe they are smarter. Never mind he hangs out with kids who are mostly a grade or two ahead. Ugh.
I'm kind of at a loss with the negativity and the relentless talking himself down. I do think I will take him to see a professional over that. And I will look into the possibility of abuse just because you never know.
Yeah, I don't really think there's anything wrong with him. I hope that the karate helps. I'm the type of person that keeps everything built up inside and then when I reach my breaking point I start crying hysterically, and when my parents ask me what's wrong, I start talking about incidents from many months ago. Maybe he just has low self-esteem because he does compare himself to others. I hated when classmates asked, "So, what grade did she give you?"
Another suggestion that a friend uses: Her daughter is only allowed to have meltdowns in her room. This may be quite harsh because you're forcing him to hold it in. Good luck! He seems like a cool kid to be around.
I have a 7 year old son and a 9 year old daughter.
I grew up with only sisters so I don't know much about little boys. Lately, my son is getting really, really angry at being told what to do... by ANYBODY. His need to do what he wants to do is getting bigger and bigger. He links it to wanting to be "a man" (??? did not get that from us). Of course I am not going for that. He has to listen to me and hubby because we are the parents, period. Still, he keeps trying to aggressively assert his independence constantly.
Some of this is about his take-charge sister. She is always trying to ordering her brother around, nagging him, etc. We've done a lot to curb her overbearing tendencies (without trying to undermine her need to lead, which I think is good) and she has gotten better. But we haven't done it fast enough apparently. He is now oversensitive to direction. It actually makes him angry. Today I had to stop an argument because he got mad that one of his friends was trying to give him directions to play a game. He felt like he was being told what to do. When he gets angry, he tends to be very intense about it, to the point he yells or cries loudly because he can't (or won't) calm himself down.
He gets great grades in school and I have never had a note home for behavior or anything like that. He has lots of friends and get invited to many birthday parties and repeat playdates. But he does seem to be getting angrier lately. When he's starting to blow up at his friends I start to worry about it.
Other background info: he's an emotional kid all around and has always experienced pretty intense feelings, but never before at this level. He does listen to me even when he doesn't want to, but lately I've had to repeat myself to get him to listen, which I am now cracking down on. The only other time he was like this (not listening) was around the time we moved. He's also the type of kid who has pessimist tendencies and always thinks the worst is gong to happen. After he gets angry, he blames himself and thinks he ruined everything. He's been known to call himself stupid or say he thinks he's a bad person. Usually have to talk him down from the ledge when he gets like that.
Is it normal boys around his age to really, really want to be more independent, to be a "man"? Maybe its just a gender neutral thing? Does anyone else have an intensely emotional kid? How do you deal with it? I feel like constantly punishing him won't help anything.
Why are you doing the things in bold? WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!! Moderator Cut. But independence issues are normal for kids of any age, especially 9 and up. JUST GIVE IN!!!!! He wants to be independent, so let him be independent!!!!!
Last edited by Jaded; 08-04-2013 at 08:51 PM..
Reason: Flaming
Why are you doing the things in bold? WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!! But independence issues are normal for kids of any age, especially 9 and up. JUST GIVE IN!!!!! He wants to be independent, so let him be independent!!!!!
Um no. There is a difference between wanting independence and just not listening. A way to give a child more iindependence might be to let them ride their bike a little farther w/o a parent. Giving in to a 7 Year old who won't listen is asking for trouble.
Um no. There is a difference between wanting independence and just not listening. A way to give a child more iindependence might be to let them ride their bike a little farther w/o a parent. Giving in to a 7 Year old who won't listen is asking for trouble.
You said it, so now I don't have to. LOL
He has been getting more wiggle room lately as part of me incorporating some of the suggestions in this thread, but under no circumstances will he be allowed to openly defy his parents. Not gonna happen. If he wants to challenge a rule or argue for an exception, he can politely ask for a chance to make his case. But if I say no, it's no, end of story.
I'll keep you guys posted on his progress in a couple of months! Thanks for all your suggestions.
Love him and let him do what he wants - as long as he is not destructive or harming others. It's best that he have depth of spirit and personality than not- as far as the sibling sister...take the boy out and do things separately - keep it simple- Let him be who he is and stop trying to form the human being in your own image- He is not you- respect him.
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