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Yes, I understand this. But your children are not put on earth to keep you company. I love my family very much but have no desire to congregate with them in one geographic location because that is where the "family" is. If you truly want to allow your child every possible opportunity, as many have argued, why limit their experience to one small corner of the world where they are surrounded by the familiar?
Its great if people volunteer to move closer. But in my own situation, and a few others on here, there is a lot of pressure to do so. I wonder if that is happening in some of the families here. No one seems willing or interested in admitting their own complicitness in the choices their kids are making. I wonder if the fact that certain families choose to live in a certain town makes the offspring of those families less confident in striking out to the city or looking beyond a limited range of opportunities. I know that in my case, my partner and I would suffer career-wise if we moved to placate his family. We have explained this. And yet they keep insisting because its what "family does."
No one is talking about limiting experience. As far as I know, I can't control my child when he's an adult. My parents certainly couldn't control me. I spent most of my 20's and 30's on a whole different continent. Ultimately, our families moved to where we are when they retired. We LIKE to live close to family now. I can't understand why no one can respect the idea that some people want to be close to their parents and children, and it's not that they are forced.
My brother moved out at 18. Never completed college. Could not afford it. Drifts from job to job. Mostly menial jobs at pretty low pay. His employers often treat him badly because they know he has few options. He has always struggled financially. Lost his house and we end up paying for medication he needs but cannot afford.
My Sister moved out at 18. Never went to college. Never held a job for long. Blames our parents for making her move out. Her husband makes a decent income, but they still struggle at times.
I lived with my parents through college and summers during law school. I had my choice of several job offers in seven different states. It was easy to trade up in jobs. I am respected as "successful" by societies standards. I am rich by Obama's standards (but no where near as rich as Obama).
Younger brother stays with parents through college and a masters degree. Went to Germany for a time and then lived with them upon his return. He has a good job, paid off his house, buys new cars when he wants them.
The CEO of Wayne County Michigan lived in his mothers basement until she died and still lived in the house (upstairs now). He was the County Sherriff and then elected CEO of the county. He manages the budget and all other operations for one of the largest counties in the United States.
Living with your parents does not = loser. In fact it is a sign of a more practical person. Combining resources and expenditures makes sense. Moving out and doubling the cost and consumption of man resources just so you can say "I am independent" is silly. Moving out and leaving yourself unable to afford education or training for a good career, makes even less sense.
Most parents on this thread said they woudl allow heir child to live at home if they need to in order to get up on their feet financially. None said they woudl try to compel them to do so. Offering your kid a place to live while they save up to get started is not more coddling them than is buying them a washing machine or a refrigerator for their new apartment, or cosigning a loan, or providing cheaper car insurance by bundling it with yours. Heck I was making roughly $200K in the 1990s (more than three times my dads highest income level. My in laws bought us a new washer and dryer we could not afford and all of our relatives helped us come up with money for down-payment and moving costs when we finally bought a house. Why? Because they were established and so had savings and extra income. Their houses were paid off and kids grown and out. While we were still paying off student loans, buying furniture to replace the milk crates, and trying to get into some decent cars. I never felt coddled, but I was certainly appreciative. I think they were happy to be able to sit on a chair instead of a milk crate when they visited. (you can make anything out of milk crates, chair, couch, tv stand, table, even a bed (if you have a mattress and box springs)
Six years ago, while we were restoring our house (at a cost approaching seven figures), we were evicted by the local building inspector for three to five weeks. We went and lived with my Mom and Dad. (all seven of us). They were happy to have us and it was a financial lifesaver for us. If we had to pay for a hotel for that long, we would not have been able to finish the house to get a C of O, and we would have lost the house.
I see no problem with parents helping out their adult children as much as practical regardless of their age or income. That is what family is all about. As my dad gets older, he may move n with us so we can take care of him. If my brother loses his job, he will probably move in too. That is not coddling, it is looking out for one another. Likewise if any of my kids need to live at our house to save moeny so they can get started, the door will be open. Heck if they want to live in the basement until we die and then move upstairs, that is fine too.
I do not understand anyone contending that helping their children get started is a bad thing, but then I am convinced there is nothing that at least one person will not criticize, particularly when it comes to parenting.
If you truly want to allow your child every possible opportunity, as many have argued, why limit their experience to one small corner of the world where they are surrounded by the familiar?
You don't want to dump them into the deep end of the pool. You want to have them take swimming lessons. They still learn on their own, with guidance. It's not the same as hovering over them and holding their hand while moving along the water like you make it sound like.
Are you going to toss your kid(s) at 18? I think actions will speak louder when the time comes for you. Are you a parent yet?
Frankly, I hear more people making fun of those who live at home not because of irresponsibility, but because "nobody wants to date someone living with mom and dad". To that I say - priorities.
My brother moved out at 18. Never completed college. Could not afford it. Drifts from job to job. Mostly menial jobs at pretty low pay. His employers often treat him badly because they know he has few options. He has always struggled financially. Lost his house and we end up paying for medication he needs but cannot afford.
My Sister moved out at 18. Never went to college. Never held a job for long. Blames our parents for making her move out. Her husband makes a decent income, but they still struggle at times.
I lived with my parents through college and summers during law school. I had my choice of several job offers in seven different states. It was easy to trade up in jobs. I am respected as "successful" by societies standards. I am rich by Obama's standards (but no where near as rich as Obama).
Younger brother stays with parents through college and a masters degree. Went to Germany for a time and then lived with them upon his return. He has a good job, paid off his house, buys new cars when he wants them.
The CEO of Wayne County Michigan lived in his mothers basement until she died and still lived in the house (upstairs now). He was the County Sherriff and then elected CEO of the county. He manages the budget and all other operations for one of the largest counties in the United States.
Living with your parents does not = loser. In fact it is a sign of a more practical person. Combining resources and expenditures makes sense. Moving out and doubling the cost and consumption of man resources just so you can say "I am independent" is silly. Moving out and leaving yourself unable to afford education or training for a good career, makes even less sense.
Most parents on this thread said they woudl allow heir child to live at home if they need to in order to get up on their feet financially. None said they woudl try to compel them to do so. Offering your kid a place to live while they save up to get started is not more coddling them than is buying them a washing machine or a refrigerator for their new apartment, or cosigning a loan, or providing cheaper car insurance by bundling it with yours. Heck I was making roughly $200K in the 1990s (more than three times my dads highest income level. My in laws bought us a new washer and dryer we could not afford and all of our relatives helped us come up with money for down-payment and moving costs when we finally bought a house. Why? Because they were established and so had savings and extra income. Their houses were paid off and kids grown and out. While we were still paying off student loans, buying furniture to replace the milk crates, and trying to get into some decent cars. I never felt coddled, but I was certainly appreciative. I think they were happy to be able to sit on a chair instead of a milk crate when they visited. (you can make anything out of milk crates, chair, couch, tv stand, table, even a bed (if you have a mattress and box springs)
Six years ago, while we were restoring our house (at a cost approaching seven figures), we were evicted by the local building inspector for three to five weeks. We went and lived with my Mom and Dad. (all seven of us). They were happy to have us and it was a financial lifesaver for us. If we had to pay for a hotel for that long, we would not have been able to finish the house to get a C of O, and we would have lost the house.
I see no problem with parents helping out their adult children as much as practical regardless of their age or income. That is what family is all about. As my dad gets older, he may move n with us so we can take care of him. If my brother loses his job, he will probably move in too. That is not coddling, it is looking out for one another. Likewise if any of my kids need to live at our house to save moeny so they can get started, the door will be open. Heck if they want to live in the basement until we die and then move upstairs, that is fine too.
I do not understand anyone contending that helping their children get started is a bad thing, but then I am convinced there is nothing that at least one person will not criticize, particularly when it comes to parenting.
Not everyone who chooses not to live at home for an extended period ends up working menial jobs. I respect your experience but think there are just as many people (myself included) who may struggle for a while but get on our feet rather quickly without the help of mom and dad. I think the salient characteristic in the examples you site are college education, not living at home.
I am going to second what (I think) the OP and I share some common ground on. No one is debating that kids should be thrown out as soon as they turn 18. I chose to leave home as soon as possible because my household was very toxic and abusive. If I had had a different environment, I would have probably stayed on a bit longer. But as it was, I didn't have any choice. The OP seems to have grown up at least in economically disadvantaged circumstances and was probably eager to decrease the burden on his single parent.
There comes a time when "help" becomes enabling. Some of the the responders on here seem to know where the line is, some really seem not to. Personally, I think that asking (repeatedly) successful adult children to move home despite the fact that it may not be in their best interest, is well past that line. I am experiencing this with my SO and his parents. I appreciate that families love their offspring, but I have personally seen examples where that very love is extremely dysfunctional to both parent and child.
As a younger woman, I would never consider dating anyone who lived at home a few years past completing college because I was looking for a mate who was independent and self sufficient. In my 30s, that is magnified. I don't care how much money someone is socking away. If they are living with mom and dad and are in my age bracket, there are some irreconcilable lifestyle gaps between us.
In my personal experience, I NEVER asked my parents for money. My mom died recently with a few million in assets that she had hoarded and was downright miserly with my siblings and I. Over the past 20 years she has given me less than 5k, her largest checks scattered at Christmas or birthdays for a few hundred bucks. Once, years ago, I lost my health coverage and discovered I needed to have surgery. She never once offered to lend me a cent, nor did I ask for anything. It was not even an option. So its very difficult for me to understand a parental relationship where loans are cosigned for, houses and appliances purchased, advanced degrees financed while room and board are free. These things are cetainly nice to have, but so is the satisfaction of knowing that when all else fails, you can rely on yourself. You can do without, get creative, or work harder if needed.
I believe wholeheartedly that "where there is a will there is a way." I am proof of that. I have the utmost respect for the self made individual. I don't lose respect for those who have it a little easier and are a bit more conservative about starting out, as long as they do ultimately start a life on their own terms. I do take issue with those who always fall back on their parents for support, who don't have any intention of making their own way, or parents who cajole their children to remain tied to their apron strings due to their own boundary issues. But that is just me.
COnfused, I have followed some of your threads about your family in other forums and I gotta give credit where credit is due. You have a good head on your shoulders, esp. considering what you dealt with (and are still dealing with).
To some others-- no, I do not have children. I have had several foster children, most with special needs. It kills me to see my nieces and nephews acting like amoebas on the sofa when I have a 16 year old with a severe cognitive impairment who is trying to get a job as a greeter at Walmart. Seriously, there is no excuse.
To my underclass born, African American ears, many of you sound downright spoiled and you seem to be paying it forward with your kids. I don't know if there needs to be some sort of social class exchange program, but many of you seem not to understand that living at home while pursuing some graduate degree in an obscure field is NOT AN OPTION for most Americans. Minimum wage? Yep, that is REALITY.
I see this every day. I broke out of my humble beginnings and am well into the upper middle class. But it never ceases to amaze me how much people who have always been comfortably situated take for granted.
COnfused, I have followed some of your threads about your family in other forums and I gotta give credit where credit is due. You have a good head on your shoulders, esp. considering what you dealt with (and are still dealing with).
To some others-- no, I do not have children. I have had several foster children, most with special needs. It kills me to see my nieces and nephews acting like amoebas on the sofa when I have a 16 year old with a severe cognitive impairment who is trying to get a job as a greeter at Walmart. Seriously, there is no excuse.
To my underclass born, African American ears, many of you sound downright spoiled and you seem to be paying it forward with your kids. I don't know if there needs to be some sort of social class exchange program, but many of you seem not to understand that living at home while pursuing some graduate degree in an obscure field is NOT AN OPTION for most Americans. Minimum wage? Yep, that is REALITY.
I see this every day. I broke out of my humble beginnings and am well into the upper middle class. But it never ceases to amaze me how much people who have always been comfortably situated take for granted.
Sorry. While I applaud your perseverance, it also seems to have placed a chip firmly on your shoulder. Do I consider myself and my children fortunate? Yes. But I don't think apologies are necessary when life deals you a lucky hand. It just is. Some people have it better than others. But those that do shouldn't feel guilty about it. Move forward, and I wish you the best.
Sorry. While I applaud your perseverance, it also seems to have placed a chip firmly on your shoulder. Do I consider myself and my children fortunate? Yes. But I don't think apologies are necessary when life deals you a lucky hand. It just is. Some people have it better than others. But those that do shouldn't feel guilty about it. Move forward, and I wish you the best.
Why are you taking what I said personally? If you consider yourself fortunate, you should understand that others may not be as fortunate. How does this convey as a chip on someone's shoulder?
This is my point exactly with regard to my own relatives. They are "fortunate" (to use your term) to have escaped our beginnings. Now they are raising kids who see no value in hard work and want the finer things in life handed to them. So no "apologies" for life dealing them a "lucky hand" or even acknowledgement that others live a different way. They are content to take what they believe they are entitled to a skate by because their parents share this attitude and enable them.
Why are you taking what I said personally? If you consider yourself fortunate, you should understand that others may not be as fortunate. How does this convey as a chip on someone's shoulder?
This is my point exactly with regard to my own relatives. They are "fortunate" (to use your term) to have escaped our beginnings. Now they are raising kids who see no value in hard work and want the finer things in life handed to them. So no "apologies" for life dealing them a "lucky hand" or even acknowledgement that others live a different way. They are content to take what they believe they are entitled to a skate by because their parents share this attitude and enable them.
Because YOU are taking it personally. Why does anybody owe anybody else an apology merely because they are born into better circumstances? Many of the "silver spoon" offspring go on to do great things too.
Suffering doesn't automatically equate future success.
Because YOU are taking it personally. Why does anybody owe anybody else an apology merely because they are born into better circumstances? Many of the "silver spoon" offspring go on to do great things too.
Suffering doesn't automatically equate future success.
I am talking about what I see in my own family, not in yours. No one said anything about owing an apology to me. I think this discussion has struck a nerve with you and I would rather stay on topic.
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