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But you end up staying married for the sake of your wife?
I have four girls 13, 11, 9, and 5 and it is sometimes a thankless, unappreciated life to be a parent. Both my wife and I feel our kids walk all over us. We can't get too hard on them because they get good grades, are healthy and athletic, and hang out with respectable peers. Their teachers say great things about them. The other parents find them polite and engaging. They don't have problems with other kids. It's just that they are so demanding with us (they always want things) and we do spend lots of time and money on them.
When did you decide buying them off was a good idea? Because that's what you're doing. The cash goes out and they don't make a fuss. They've got you soooo figured out.
Charles hasn't figured out "Can't Buy me Love"
He's teaching his girls that if they want $$ they just have to throw a tantrum. I'd hate to have one of my sons be married to one of his daughters.
He may need to learn the term NO a little better and use it more often. It's hard being the bad guy, hopefully his wife backs him up.
I try and I am the enforcer but it seems to make them resent me even more. The other day my oldest said something like "See, Dad, this is why we don't talk to you [or something like that] or want to do things with you...."
But from your first post, it sounds like they're turning out pretty good -- so I think they really do respect you -- certainly if they didn't respect you and your wife, they wouldn't have good grades and good friends.
Are you sure they aren't just kind of kidding around when they say things like that? At age 13, they can get kind of mouthy but they're just testing. It's up to you to decide how much sassy talk you will take.
Your kids don't sound anything like the 15 year old of a guy who was telling us how she sneaks out of the house at night, comes back home when she feels like it, if they try to talk to her or set rules, she tells them "F*** off".
I try and I am the enforcer but it seems to make them resent me even more. The other day my oldest said something like "See, Dad, this is why we don't talk to you [or something like that] or want to do things with you...."
Often times what they say and how they really feel are not the same.
What I found out with my kids was they wanted a dad not a friend.
I was in the military and gone a lot of the time so when I came home I didn't want get on to my kids I wanted to have fun with them. I let them do what they wanted they seemed to like it but I found out later I was wrong. When my oldest daughter was a high school sophomore she was mad at a situation that I blew off and she yelled at me the question "when are you going to stop trying to be my friend and be my dad!!" I was speechless, ashamed and mad at myself. Imagine a teenager wanting a parent to guide, encourage, have those tough talks and be punished (when needed) WOW!!
We had a family meeting and it was tough to sit through but I had to find out what each one had to say and then effect change and change wasn't easy. I resolved not to react to any situation but respond and my motto became patience patience patience. I had allowed this to build over the years and it wasn't going to be fixed over night.
Marriages, wives husbands and kids are not disposable even though society may say otherwise.
It takes work, commitment, sacrifice and above all LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
You can do it, if you need to get some help then get it, it's that important.
...It's just that they are so demanding with us (they always want things) and we do spend lots of time and money on them.
It is YOU who fostered the sense of entitlement. Next time they demand something, tell them to get a job. When I wanted an electric guitar, I got a job. At 14.
But you end up staying married for the sake of your wife?
I have four girls 13, 11, 9, and 5 and it is sometimes a thankless, unappreciated life to be a parent. Both my wife and I feel our kids walk all over us. We can't get too hard on them because they get good grades, are healthy and athletic, and hang out with respectable peers. Their teachers say great things about them. The other parents find them polite and engaging. They don't have problems with other kids. It's just that they are so demanding with us (they always want things) and we do spend lots of time and money on them.
They can only be as demanding as you let them. Of course they want things, they're kids. It's up to you, the parent to teach them that they can't get everything they want. Do they get an allowance? Mine always did for doing work beyond her expected chores. That was her money to spend as she wished. She was also taught from a toddler to be appreciative of what she has. It sounds like yours are manipulating you to get what they want. That's great they're doing well in school, but that doesn't give them the right to disrespect you. Being hard on them for grades, and being hard on them for attitude is two different things that need to be addressed separately.
OP I can understand where you are coming from. My children do the same and I have put my foot down it is not so much the money issue as is the time. I keep telling myself that there will be a time when they do not want to spend time with me anymore and that is what keeps me going. As for the money or materialistic items I tell them if I buy everything they want or that their friends have that I would be spending my whole day taking care of it for them or it would never be special to go over to their friends house and play with their stuff. My oldest are starting to understand since they have been taking care of their stuff for sometime now but it is the smallest that doesn't but is starting to after watching the oldest. Hang in there things have changed since I grew up and other people have.
Entitlement and credit card spending is out of control(it used to be wealthy people could only get credit cards since they could pay it back). I say that only because of look at today's society and what is happening, everyone can go to college but since we have now a watered down college system we have issues with school loans being paid back. I will not even go into housing market, Medicaid, unemployment benefits, non citizens have more rights than US citizens or the social security system due to disability-(my only gripe is depression due to not being able to find a job). We expect our kids not to feel entitled but look at society and how everyone feels they are entitled to something even if they do not work for it.
OP I can understand where you are coming from. My children do the same and I have put my foot down it is not so much the money issue as is the time. I keep telling myself that there will be a time when they do not want to spend time with me anymore and that is what keeps me going. As for the money or materialistic items I tell them if I buy everything they want or that their friends have that I would be spending my whole day taking care of it for them or it would never be special to go over to their friends house and play with their stuff. My oldest are starting to understand since they have been taking care of their stuff for sometime now but it is the smallest that doesn't but is starting to after watching the oldest. Hang in there things have changed since I grew up and other people have.
Entitlement and credit card spending is out of control(it used to be wealthy people could only get credit cards since they could pay it back). I say that only because of look at today's society and what is happening, everyone can go to college but since we have now a watered down college system we have issues with school loans being paid back. I will not even go into housing market, Medicaid, unemployment benefits, non citizens have more rights than US citizens or the social security system due to disability-(my only gripe is depression due to not being able to find a job). We expect our kids not to feel entitled but look at society and how everyone feels they are entitled to something even if they do not work for it.
Just my thoughts. Attack as you will......
Ok.....so since you obviously KNOW what the problem is, why aren't you correcting it in your home?
But you end up staying married for the sake of your wife?
I have four girls 13, 11, 9, and 5 and it is sometimes a thankless, unappreciated life to be a parent. Both my wife and I feel our kids walk all over us. We can't get too hard on them because they get good grades, are healthy and athletic, and hang out with respectable peers. Their teachers say great things about them. The other parents find them polite and engaging. They don't have problems with other kids. It's just that they are so demanding with us (they always want things) and we do spend lots of time and money on them.
This is pretty normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. Kids are like little animals, you've spoiled your Chihuahuas. lol
Just stop spending the money. Tell them you're giving them a set amount of allowance from now on and they can organize their own spending. Yes, even the 5 year old can manage this thought after some experience with it.
That way you can do your finances easily knowing what your kids will cost monthly besides medical, etc.
I got this advice years ago and it's wonderful! Now it's their fault if there isn't any money left, not yours. Take the responsibility off of you and hand it over. They will respect your dilemma if they go through managing money themselves. You can use it as an example when you aren't buying an extra. "See, Dad is budgeting just like you do with his money.
I ended up spending a lot less with allowance than I did on what seemed a free for all payment system prior. My older ones did dishes, cat box, garbage duty, etc. Little ones dust, wash cabinet fronts, something they can accomplish. FYI: Cleaning their rooms doesn't count, its part of occupying the home. We all keep it clean and free from mold and bugs. lol
I pay a lot of allowance compared to most but it's still less than I was paying out for whims. I pay the teens $100 a month and the elementary child $50. Under 10 it was $25. Now, they were able to buy clothing, games, itunes, online subscriptions, etc. with this amount. I never feel guilty when they are out of money and my bills are a lot easier to predict without the fly shopping.
Good luck, its normal and a lot of parents wish there were a magic potion to spread on the kids and take a break. It's just a sign that you need to address and conquer. Things will get better.
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