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My older daughter is 14, just finishing up 9th grade, and has been invited to spend a week with her friend's family at a beach house in the Outer Banks this summer. Wonderful, right? Of course she wants to go and we appreciate the invitation, I know it will be great, yadda yadda.
So why does thinking about it make me want to cry? It's not just her going away--she's been to week-long camps here and there in the past. Part of it is where they are going--it's a location we ourselves have been to in our own rented houses in past summers, but we can't afford it anymore so we had to stop.
But when I think about the invite and consider that it could have been some other beach, I still get wicked emotional to the point where tears actually flow. I can't wait to talk with my therapist about this...but I'm wondering if I'm alone in feeling this way?
Is it really just that I'm jealous? I'll never be 14 again and even when I was, I was never as on top of the world the way my daughter is. She'll walk around that beach and own it, have the absolute time of her life with her best friend and her family. I know it's a lifelong memory in the making, and I should be thrilled for her. But instead it's almost like I am feeling some sort of deep-seated grief.
Well, at least you know you are being irrational, right? Think of your daughter, not yourself. Of course you would rather be able to give her that experience yourself, but the important thing is, she gets to go.
It's funny, but we can actually be jealous of our children, while at the same time being excited for them. And some things they do stir up old issues for us.
My son got two scholarships allowing him to go off to college in another state in 2008. I had to live at home when I was in college because my mother didn't want me leaving home. It was terrible - she was an alcoholic and I lived alone with her, and I missed a lot of college experiences because of it. Thankfully, her sister intervened and paid for my room and board my last two years so I could get out of the house. What a difference it made.
So when my son left for college, I was extremely happy for him, and I had even encouraged him to go out of state instead of to UC Davis, which was in the town we lived in at the time, just for the experience. But it also brought up some memories that stirred up some anger and old resentments, because I hadn't had the same opportunity to be out on my own when so many other kids my age were.
And it sounds like you have a bit of the same issue. You mentioned her walking that beach like she owned it, indicating you might not have had her confidence and independence at her age. So like me, her opportunity brings up an old hurt, even as you welcome the chance for her.
I feel very sympathetic for you, LOL. I probably will feel the same as you when my daughter gets older. But just remember this... At least you raised your daughter to feel the way you should've felt at that age. Which is quite an accomplishment. I hope that my daughter when she becomes a teenager that she be as top of the world too... not some sulked teenaged kid who hides in her room (which is such a miserable existence).
Thanks, everyone. I know I'm being ridiculous, but wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.
I do find that every triumph my daughter has is poignant, since my own childhood/adolescence was difficult. I'm glad beyond measure that DH and I are giving our children a peaceful, stable upbringing with no drama. I didn't count on how it would make my inner child feel.
Thanks, everyone. I know I'm being ridiculous, but wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.
I do find that every triumph my daughter has is poignant, since my own childhood/adolescence was difficult. I'm glad beyond measure that DH and I are giving our children a peaceful, stable upbringing with no drama. I didn't count on how it would make my inner child feel.
That inner child still has to grieve the life it did not get to have. Seeing others close to you experience the good times can still hurt. It's good that you recognize that.
I agree that it's a ding to your ego as a mom as well.
As a native Tar Heel I feel your pain at not being able to visit this incredibly beautiful place on our coast. But you know she loves it there and you may be able to visit it again in the future. Don't despair. Your baby is growing up and you are going through the change. Combined, it can be a wicked time of life.
Isn't that why we live through our kids, to make up for our crappy childhood. Maybe that's just me. But I know what you mean, even while you rejoice for them, its hard to put your resentments about your own childhood aside.
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Think of your daughter, not yourself. Of course you would rather be able to give her that experience yourself, but the important thing is, she gets to go.
