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First, congratulations on doing a very difficult thing. It's a first step. I hope she follows up with her promise. The question is does she know what YOU think would be a better wife? Does she know what being a true partner is? Do you? Do you know what she thinks would make you a better husband (that does not involve gifts?)?
This really has to involve what both of you and what you both want and need in the marriage. You two have a lot of work ahead of you. It will be slow going and at times seem like two steps forward, one step back. Try to do make small goals for yourselves. It's hard to break years of routines and behavior. Working towards those small goals will help you see the improvements. Re-evaluate periodically. The changes must be permanent. My suggestion for the first small goal: NO ONE is allowed to run off into the bedroom and lock the door. That solves nothing.
Dinner went well according to him. He expected her to be very fake but her dinner with him was apologetic and he feels like she's going to change. I hate to think this, but I have to. I hope she isn't acting or pretending to have changed. They got home and she immediately apologized to me and I apologized to her for not showing her the amount of respect I should have shown her. She's " really excited" for therapy
Irish- you fell right back into your old pattern. There you go apologizing to her for not darn good reason.
You didn't show her respect ! What are you talking about ? She's been acting like a mean, vicious witch and she's got you apologizing to her for her behavior. Your wife bats her eyes at you, smiles at you and she's got you eating out of her hand no matter how rotten she's been to you and your son. Your family patterns are so ingrained I don't know who how long it is going to take you to break them, if ever.
Do not apologize to your wife. You haven't been disrespectful, she's the one telling your son the most horrible things. Don't you realize she's trying to manipulate you now that you said you might move out.
And please, no taking her out to dinner, no flowers, no gifts, etc.
Do not confuse calling someone out on bad behavior being disrespectful . Telling someone they have been a jerk does not connote disrespect. Forcing someone to face reality is not disrespectful. You've walked on eggshells for so long that is feels it feels more comfortable for you than trying to be a partner rather than a doormat in the relationship. Try to recognize when you're walking on eggshells and attempt to change the pattern.
Yes, there was no need for an apology on your part. Willow wind is right....calling her out on her bad behavior isn't being disrespectful. Believe me, she deserved it!
I would definitely be on guard against being manipulated now that your wife is feeling threatened. It seems as though she has two personalities....how can she be really excited about something she was dead set against a few days ago?
Keep your eyes open and watch to see if your wife is genuinely motivated to change because she realizes her behavior is wrong, or is just going through the motions to keep you under control.
Change takes time and effort and the others are right-just because she says she wants to change does not mean she is capable or even willing. She is telling you what you want to hear. Please move with your son. Maybe some loneliness will help speed her along with therapy and insight. IMO your son should be your first priority as apparently it is not too late to mend your relationship with him but it looks like he is very much intimidated by her just like you are. he takes his cues from you.
Dinner went well according to him. He expected her to be very fake but her dinner with him was apologetic and he feels like she's going to change. I hate to think this, but I have to. I hope she isn't acting or pretending to have changed. They got home and she immediately apologized to me and I apologized to her for not showing her the amount of respect I should have shown her. She's " really excited" for therapy
Your son certainly hasn't fallen far from the tree. Like you, he has bad judgment, and unrealistic expectations, with no understanding of how she is or now manipulations work. He expected her to be very fake? Her being sweet and loving is fake. He saw how she can turn on a dime when his gf showed up.
And why did you apologize?
Meh, I guess the cycle will continue, since it sounds you already sound like you're already waffing and now you're going to get pressure from your deluded son to go back into the fold.
This morning was both weird and productive. Productive in that, now that my wife is going to counseling( for now), the counselor feels that now my wife is on board, we can start to progress. Weird in that she woke up early to get her makeup on and do her hair ( she never did it for the previous sessions). Weird in that she made breakfast for my son and I. Finally, weird in that she wants to have " family time", not that I'm against it, but it's weird coming from her. I had to have a very hard discussion with my son, I told him " Look, I really want to believe, like you, that Mom has changed, I'm really tempted to bet all my chips and go all in, but she might be just telling us what we want to hear and I don't think we should completely close the book on an apartment". Thankfully, he understood, having seen her do things like this in the past.
I apologized for not showing her the respect she deserved. People on here have pointed out that I don't show her respect and I took that to heart.
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