I don't know how I should feel about this (attention, teaching, parent)

[Inkpoe]

Originally Posted by irishfan77

The 2 hours thing was an exaggeration and I tried to push him but, remember, she fought me the whole way.

You said the 3 hour thing was an exaggeration, and that it was more like 2... Now you're saying that too is an exaggeration.

For her to fight the whole way would indicate that there's been some stone wall resistance -- which even now you don't show.

You've done a huge disservice to your son almost his whole life and a huge blow was delivered last night by you. You don't even have the guts to tell your wife that she should apologize to her son. You just asked her if she would apologize. Which is the most absurd thing ever because ... Did you actually expected a different answer? Hoped that she would? Your wife made it clear that she is above all reproach, even the marriage problems are all you, your fault and your issues that you have to apologize for and make up to her. You simply chose not to tell her that she owes an apology to her son because you knew that she would throw a hissy fit. And now your wife is playing another game on your son and you just wash your hands, "Oh, I'm not getting involved, I'm not going to referee this." Honey... that's what you been your son's whole life. Always an excuse not to do anything for your son because it'll upset your wife, it's not what your wife wanted, the son's all his mother, et. c.

You need to wake up, man.

[aquietpath]

Originally Posted by irishfan77

I just don't post what he says because I think that's private but, I did tell him about the talk I had with my wife( the one about pregnancy) and he( along with you guys) felt it was a step in the right direction

In post #357 you said the therapist was female.

[irishfan77]

I go to marital and family

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by irishfan77

I go to marital and family

Again, a non-answer. How does that tell us what sex your therapist is?

Do you have more than one therapist? It's a yes/no question.

[nana053]

Originally Posted by irishfan77

I agree it's practice for him but it's extreme. She's not even going to give him any advice into how to do laundry or cook. When I was growing up( I guess when we all were), we learned things gradually, first we learned how to cook easy stuff and then it got more and more complex and the laundry was taught to us. I can't think of anyone who's parent just threw a laundry basket at them and said " figure it out"

So, you teach him. I assume you know how to do laundry and to cook. She may not like it, but she doesn't get to not teach him and then not allow you to do so.

I also assume he already knows how to make a sandwich or to microwave something if he needs to. If you want him to cook, you can teach him.

[njmom66]

Originally Posted by steelstress

Again, a non-answer. How does that tell us what sex your therapist is?

Do you have more than one therapist? It's a yes/no question.

Yeah, usually different therapists do marital vs. family....

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by irishfan77

I went to the session alone. He was still sleeping, he usually sets his alarm on therapy days in order to be up on time. I had a talk with my wife that worried me. She decided last night that she was "done with him." According to her, she will no longer do his laundry( he has no idea how to) and she will no longer cook for him. She'll cook the same quantity of food but she will not set a place for him. Seeing as how our kitchen table seats 6( she loved the table when we bought it even though it was 3 seats too many) I'm guessing she will only set 2 places. Any food she and I don't eat will not be his portion, it will be leftovers. He's not invited when we eat out and she's no longer giving him money. I'm not going to play referee and I'm going to let them work it out even though I think her idea is horrible. Not much to report from counseling.

This is the worst thing I've read here yet, and that's really saying something. She has the mentality of a 13 year old. She is selfish. You can't be selfish and be a good parent.

Originally Posted by irishfan77

I agree it's practice for him but it's extreme. She's not even going to give him any advice into how to do laundry or cook. When I was growing up( I guess when we all were), we learned things gradually, first we learned how to cook easy stuff and then it got more and more complex and the laundry was taught to us. I can't think of anyone who's parent just threw a laundry basket at them and said " figure it out"

YOU show him.

Originally Posted by irishfan77

Because I'm not going to referee, I'm not getting involved.

BS! step up and act like a parent.

Originally Posted by rrah

So one week she grounds him for being up late and having his feet on a table. The next, she disowns him because he wants to grow up. Geeze.......

This woman needs some serious therapy. She is extremely self-centered and loves to play the victim because she got pregnant at 18. Big deal-worse things happen. Ask my sibling and sibling in-law about losing their 11 yo child. Ask a woman or child that grew up in a violent home. I've not really laid into your wife here before because I'm a stranger. Today, her behavior infuriates me.

She lashes out at all around her, you and your son, in anger when she doesn't get her way. She alternates her form of punishment between you and your son. One day it's you, the next it's him. I predict in a day or so you'll be telling us about the blow-up between you two over this. Maybe now you understand why so many of us told you there was no reason to celebrate. She, you and your son have miles to go. Do you see how she acts like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum and pounding her feet?

Be a father to your son. Teach him what he needs to know. Please do not let her actions erase all the good work you've done with the kid recently. Typically I don't advocate parents playing against each other. They need to present a united front. In this instance, do what you think is right and be a good father to your son. To heck with her. Maybe that's what it will take for her to FINALLY go to therapy. It's obvious she has no parenting skills. Frankly I think you should also set a place for him at dinner. It really is time to man up here. Quit letting her run rough shod over all of you. Tell her how YOU expect to be treated. Quit making it about her until she shows she deserves that and is willing to work with you on being equal partners. When partners are equal, the needs and wants of both are considered. In this case, it's ALL about her.

Really, irish, what are YOU getting out of this marriage? What do you want? (and you will just have to trust that for me to encourage selfish behavior on your part goes against most everything I know about relationships. Sometimes it's the only way for a partner to see the light.)

Yes this, and re the bolded, I asked that pages ago and he didn't answer.

Originally Posted by rrah

It's mind boggling. I too have wondered if this was a fraud. I don't recall what it was, but I kind of decided it was not. Some things don't add up though--therapy three times a week, generally no word about what the therapist says, a woman that takes two hours to get ready for a simple dinner out, a supposed Notre Dame grad that hasn't pushed his son to excel in school, make plans, and go to college until he's graduated from HS?

Thanks ger.

I have my suspicions. Irish, when do you work? You post here a lot and go to therapy 3 times/week, and are around to know your wife took 2 hours to get ready, and have serious sit down conversations multiple times/week?

Originally Posted by Mattie

Actually, you don't. You treat her like a child that needs to be appeased, instead of like a partner who also wants the best for your son.

Agreed.

Originally Posted by irishfan77

I was hesitant to go at first and leave her behind, but she insisted. Having been married at 19, I was still young and had no idea what it took to be a married adult and that's what I'm trying to learn now. I was hardly around her until I was 24 and out of school.

You've had 12-13 years to learn how to be a husband and father. If you haven't figured it out by now, you may never. What has taken you so long? I can't imagine spending the last 12 years living like you have.

[irishfan77]

Originally Posted by steelstress

Again, a non-answer. How does that tell us what sex your therapist is?

Do you have more than one therapist? It's a yes/no question.

Yes, I do have more than one therapist. One's a man, the other is a woman.

[irishfan77]

What I want out of the marriage is for everyone to be happy and I have a flexible schedule that allows me to make my own hours. I sometimes work from home and other times I work in the office. On therapy days, I'll show up later than usual or use it as a work from home day.

[irishfan77]

She finally spoke to him and told him her plan for him ( no laundry, meals, etc). About a half hour later, I offered to help teach him laundry and how to cook( what very little cooking I know how to do). He accepted the offer and it was fun of entertaining teaching him how to do these things. He did agree to counseling next Tuesday. I told him that regardless of what she says, he's welcome to dinner at home and dinner out. She and I sat down to dinner, I left a plate for him in case he showed up. He came and started getting food and as he was grabbing dinner, she started up. " What is he doing? I told him I wasn't cooking for him. Look, he's taking the leftovers, he's so inconsiderate." I told her " It's a family dinner, he wants to have dinner with us." * Eye roll* " Fine, but he'd better not say a word to me. I'm too lazy to carry a conversation". He and I started talking about basketball and hockey and so and so forth and got him in a better mood. She chimed in with " Didn't Jordan retire in 94? That was a mistake. 94 was a good year for me, senior year, I was so happy. Not a perfect year but a good year. A few mistakes * looks right at him* made but you accept the consequences. He was obviously hurt by this and the good mood was gone. He ate without saying another word. He finished his plate and she turned her attention to him again " You'd better clean those dishes you purposely dirtied. I'd do them now if I were you " He did them and went to his room. I told her that it was pretty mean to tell your child he was a mistake and that you were happier before he was born. I reminded her how happy she was when was growing up and how happy she seemed playing with him. " Well that was a long time ago. She went and watched TV on the couch. I'm starting to think moving out would be best.