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I didn't want to bump such an old thread that was last replied in May of 2011.
I am currently looking for some advise.
I (myself being the youngest) was about 12 living in a suburb area in New Jersey with 2 other sisters and my mother (as a single parent). She is a great mother and did her best to care for us. At the time when we were living in NJ she had a great job at a hospital making good money. She met this guy who had a decent size savings. They married and she move to a rural part in NY. The area didn't have buses and you need a vehicle to get around and jobs were very minimum.
The guy (that she married) children started to clean out their father once he had a stroke. Anyway..she stopped working for over a decade. I grow up real quick because she took custody of a baby my sister had because she didn't want to see the baby in harms way or even adopted.
So I had to basically take care of the baby and her. She was basically on getting the husband's social security until he passed away. They end up divorcing before the 10 year mark marriage.
I have a job now 25 years old and I am still supporting them. She has a part time job and the grand child she to custody of receives money from the government every month for his disability.
I am living from paycheck to paycheck can't save because I have to pay my bills (which is much) and her bills which is (a bit more than my bills).
When I am going to save money to purchase a home, have a family and etc? She is a great person but it seems like she can't understand that. She is basically having me follow in her same path and foot steps of not accumulating and achieving things in life. People warned her about living her good job and moving into a rural area where jobs weren't available and she didn't listen.
I feel I'm stuck here cleaning up her mistakes she did over 10 years ago and my sister's mistake by having a child she wasn't ready for. Make no mistake I wouldn't trade my mother or my nephew (mom's grand son ) for the world. But when do my life start?
I know my mom can start collecting social security in a few months.
I feel I have nothing, I can't meet anyone, I can't purchase anything (such as a house I always want to do) all I do is work work work and come home. I had a lawsuit settlement of 25k a few years ago and I gave that all to her so she can pay off her lease (apt) for the year and get some stuff for the apt and what not.
Any advice?
I feel bad because I feel like I have to move out. I am not saying I won't help my mother but I can't live my own life. She seems like she don't understand or she just doesn't care...I'm not sure which one it is.
Are these the facts?
you and your mother and nephew all live together
you are 25 and you support the three of you
mother's husband is dead
mother not yet 65
you are unhappy and want to start your own life
you have 2 sisters
If so this is a bad situation. Does your mother get her deceased husband's SS? Does your mother have legal custody of the kid? Adopted? Does his mother or father pay any child support? Is your mother capable of working?
You sister needs to step up and take responsibility for her own son and your sisters need to share the responsibilities for your mother. It is wrong for a 25 year old to be in this situation. However we train people how to treat us. You have allowed your mother and your sister(the mother of the boy) to walk all over you and nothing will change until you stand up for yourself. You say your mother doesn't understand. What she does understand is that you are willing to support her and the kid and she isn't about to turn you away. She understands that perfectly well. Why should she?. Yes she has been a good mother but that does not mean you need to sacrifice your entire future to financially support her by yourself.
Call a pow wow and tell the rest of the family it is time you started living your own life and you are taking definite steps to start that And do it. Believe me once your mother gets any older and sickness and infirmity sets in you will never get out of there. Be responsible for your own future. You can do that without throwing them to the wolves but you will have to develop a strong backbone.
Your mom won't be able to receive any Social Security from her deceased husband because they divorced before the ten year mark, but I think you already know that and pointed it out.
However, your mom did work for many years and she can draw her own Social Security now. Also, is she eligible for any pension from her hospital work ?
Check with any and all social services in your town and see what financial aid is available to her for her to set up her own place. She may qualify for Section 8 housing or some sort of other affordable housing.
There will also be other programs that can help with clothing, food stamps if she needs them, etc. She should be able to find a program for emergency housing just by saying she has needs a place soon as her living arrangement is terminating.
What you can't do is let this continue. You need your own life. Don't ever feel guilty about having your mom and nephew make their own way. This is not a healthy situation of any of you, especially you.
Oh, you have no idea how much I feel for you and how familiar this all sounds. I'm in a very similar situation...the one big difference is that my mother has some major health concerns. I'm 32 and also the youngest, and become the caretaker in part because of that, as the youngest child often does.
Here's my best advice. Make changes NOW. This is a very easy situation to get stuck in. Don't do what I did and get in the mindset that your time will come 'later'. If you do, sooner or later you'll look back and realize later is already gone.
You're actually starting to come to this realization earlier than I did, which is great. Like you, I adore my mother and felt she gave me a great childhood. I would tell myself that she would be gone sooner than I wanted, and there would be plenty of time to be independent. Well, that was easy to think when I was in my 20s. She's 67 now, so I might have 10-15 years of this situation. As much as I love her, that thought terrifies me.
It will be so much harder to break out of this the longer you allow it to go on. Your mother will grow more dependent and entrenched. You'll grow more entrenched in the caretaker role. Your sisters will grow more dependent on you to take care of the things they can't be bothered with. Like any bad habit, it just gets more and more difficult to stop.
Follow No Kudzu's excellent advice. And have an honest conversation with yourself about what you want for your own future and what it will take to get there. I would suggest some therapy. Once you start drawing a line in the sand, you're going to get grief from all sides, including yourself. To borrow a phrase from a very good advice columnist, this is when you need a strong 'Team You'. People who support you in standing up for yourself. One of my big problems is that I allowed the situation with my mother to isolate me and one day I looked around and realized I really didn't have a 'Team You'. Without support and a pressure valve, it is very easy to just let things ride and give up on changing them.
And be honest with your mother and siblings. "I love you, but here's what I need for this to work". And then whatever it is, hold firmly to it. If you need to have her move out, don't budge on. You can offer assistance, but make a deadline for each stage and stick with it. Your obligation to her is love and support. You are not obligated to give up your own life. If she's angry, then she's angry.
Here's the most important lesson I failed to learn. You do have a responsibility to her. We all have a responsibility to the people we love. But you also have a responsibility to yourself and that responsibility comes first. It is not a failing to take care of yourself. It is not 'wrong' to have needs of your own. You are not less valuable or less deserving than she is.
I (myself being the youngest) was about 12 living in a suburb area in New Jersey with 2 other sisters and my mother (as a single parent). She is a great mother and did her best to care for us. At the time when we were living in NJ she had a great job at a hospital making good money. She met this guy who had a decent size savings. They married and she move to a rural part in NY. The area didn't have buses and you need a vehicle to get around and jobs were very minimum.
The guy (that she married) children started to clean out their father once he had a stroke. Anyway..she stopped working for over a decade. I grow up real quick because she took custody of a baby my sister had because she didn't want to see the baby in harms way or even adopted.
So I had to basically take care of the baby and her. She was basically on getting the husband's social security until he passed away. They end up divorcing before the 10 year mark marriage.
Was your mother married to someone else (your father, perhaps?) before she was married to her deceased husband? If she was married to ANYONE for a period of 10 years, she could be eligible for Social Security benefits based on that person's work record.
As a parent myself, I am very opposed to the idea of parents making their own children feel responsible for the support of their parents.
I think good parents have their children for less selfish reasons, not so they can have free caretakers or so they can expect their children to financially support them. You should want your children to have their own lives, to be able to build up their careers, make their own families. You don't want to hold them back from their own futures.
I also know quite a few people who gave up their lives for their parents. They still live with them into their 40's 50's, and 60's, never married, never had children of their own, completely devoted to caring for their parents -- and I'm glad my parents didn't do that to us.
It sounds to me like your mother made a whole lot of mistakes and is sticking you with them. Most likely she uses a guilt trip on you to make you feel responsible for cleaning up her messes. It doesn't sound like your mother is infirm or incapable of working. And like others pointed out, she should be able to collect social security on her husband's employment history, or if she's too young for social security, then she needs to get a job. If she failed to save for her retirement, how is it now your whole responsibility?
Once you agree to financially support someone, it gets harder and harder to become free from it.
Are these the facts?
you and your mother and nephew all live together
you are 25 and you support the three of you
mother's husband is dead
mother not yet 65
you are unhappy and want to start your own life
you have 2 sisters
If so this is a bad situation. Does your mother get her deceased husband's SS? Does your mother have legal custody of the kid? Adopted? Does his mother or father pay any child support? Is your mother capable of working?
You sister needs to step up and take responsibility for her own son and your sisters need to share the responsibilities for your mother. It is wrong for a 25 year old to be in this situation. However we train people how to treat us. You have allowed your mother and your sister(the mother of the boy) to walk all over you and nothing will change until you stand up for yourself. You say your mother doesn't understand. What she does understand is that you are willing to support her and the kid and she isn't about to turn you away. She understands that perfectly well. Why should she?. Yes she has been a good mother but that does not mean you need to sacrifice your entire future to financially support her by yourself.
Call a pow wow and tell the rest of the family it is time you started living your own life and you are taking definite steps to start that And do it. Believe me once your mother gets any older and sickness and infirmity sets in you will never get out of there. Be responsible for your own future. You can do that without throwing them to the wolves but you will have to develop a strong backbone.
Good advice. I would add: talk to an attorney, preferably one specializing (or at least working in) elder law. OR, call your local senior center and talk to their staff. Most senior centers offer services for people over 55. Find out what your mom's options are with SS, etc.
Having been through similar (though not the same), I'd say don't count on your sisters helping too much, even if you do have a family meeting. It's been my experience and the experience of others that have been through this kind of stuff that some siblings just won't help, period.
So your sister just bailed on her child and now youalone support him. So your two sisters don't help support their mother and youalone support her. So you alone are responsible for you, your mom and nephew.
That doesn't seem very fair, does it?
Somehing similar happened to my cousin. Her parents had some health problems so she came home after college "on a temporary basis" to help them over a crisis. Well, one crisis led to another and another and another. She kept thinking that soon she would be able to leave and be on her own.
Years went by, and my lovely, sweet cousin gave up getting married, gave up having a family of her own, gave up her wish to travel, gave up having a home & life of her own. She stayed at home caring for her parents for almost 40 years!
Her parents passed away when they were in their late eighties and finally my cousin wasfree to live her own life. Sadly, by that time she was over 60 years old and died from cancer soon afterwards.
Don't let this happen to you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-12-2013 at 12:08 PM..
Thanks everyone for your advice and information. I don't feel too much better but at least I know that I'm not the only one on this page.
Its a kick in the face after doing so much for someone like a parent. And they tell you how much they want to have a life of your own and family and what not but just never discuss an exit plan with you and seems to worry only about their bottom line. When the subject is place on the table; they become offended and what not.
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