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Do you think he's doing drugs, drinking, or committing crimes? Maybe he is just hanging out with his friends. Is he keeping his grades up in school?
He's 16. His job right now is to separate from you. Your job is to get him ready to be an adult and move on. The more pressure you put on him now, the more you treat him like a little kid, the more he's going to resist. It's our instinct at that age. He may not open up to you because he's carving out his own life now. Don't assume that he's into something bad - it's just his own life and he wants to keep it to himself because it makes him feel more adult.
Make a deal with him - as long as his grades in school are good and he's getting his chores done around the house, then you're going to give him a reasonable amount of freedom. Negotiate with him as a young adult, not as a kid. "Because I said so" doesn't work any more at this age. You're going to assume that he can be trusted. You're going to tell him that you do worry about him and that you'd like him to at least respond to text messages to let you know that he's okay - a mom is always going to worry about her son - but that as you grow more comfortable with his independence you'll be texting him less and less. Also let him know that this is a transition for you, too, since for so many years he was your little boy that needed more protection and that you're still getting used to him being almost an adult and that he should be patient with you as you adjust.
Teach him to manage his time instead of teaching him that you don't think he's trustworthy. A big part of success in life is balancing out fun with responsibility, and if he can balance his grades and family responsibilities with his social activities then he's already a lot better off then most of his peers.
If he breaks his part of the contract, you'll have to figure out what the ramifications are. No allowance? No spending money? No cell phone for two weeks? You know what you're able to withdraw. But you also have to have something that you give as well. If you promise that you'll only call him or text him once when he's out, and you call him twice, then you need to offer up something in return.
Work with the boy. Use this as a chance to teach him about the responsibilities that come with liberties.
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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at 16 my mom got fed up with me, and said I could stay home for $400 / month or move down the road to a trashed mobile home for $300 / month and she would make a good recommendation for me
I took her up on that and headed out. She must have been impressed, as for my 18th BD she gave me full custody of my disabled dad and she was "Outta there". I had to grow up pretty fast. Responsibility is far more of a teacher than taking stuff away... overwhelm them with so much responsibility they can't look back. I had 3 jobs at a time from age 15 to 25, very little time for getting in trouble + an early start on saving.
Meanwhile 34 yrs later all is fine, mom is happy, dad recently was buried after a 'happy as possible '40 yr internment'. I am early retired / laid off (and resting) plus finally going back to college to finish my degree and prepare for the second half.
Hopefully he has established paying his own way. I didn't get a dime from my folks after age 12. So I learned what it takes to fund cars, food, beer, friends... (little of which I did) Fortunately no cell phones or computer fees, but you can bet I would have been paying them. 16 is a good time to cut the strings. I can understand your mothering idea of wanting him to open up. I found our most independent one was able to open up only AFTER he went out on his own and 'proved' himself. In the right situation they will be so strapped to make ends meet that they won't make mistakes. One of my friends sent his 4 boys @ age 18 with one-way tickets to South America, India, China and New Zealand and told them to figure out how to get home, when they were man enough. Worked for all but NZ.... he liked it so much he stayed for several years !
You have done a good job in helping him get this far i wouldn't want you to blow it by obsessive sheltering or overreacting. Boys need SPACE and to be given responsibility and be encouraged to stretch.
Ideally, I would find a nice dairy farm for him to go live at . Dairy Farmers always need help, and getting up at 4:30 AM and working till 8 AM, going to school stinky, then being home to meet the herd at 5 PM till 9PM and doing this 7 days / week 52 weeks per year seems to work pretty well for an approprate attitude adjustment for teenage boys.
I didn't manage to rasie a good teenager but still have a shot at it for my son. My daughter was out of control at 16 with the same thing, and I'm still dealing with it and she's almost 21 now!~
I did dicipline and I felt fairly. Problem was butt in grandma that would treat every dicipline like christmas and make it all better for her, and with one day, your mom will get over it. She's just over reacting, give her time but in the meantime, here's a hundred bucks and all your stuff back to make you feel better. By the way, I'll do your little chores for you. Poor baby.
I really feel at this point tuff love and some damn hard knocks had she got to receive them would have sure made a diff. in her life today. The ONLY time she's inst. in doing good for herself is when she's flat not getting something unless she earns it. I cut her off over a year ago, finally grandma cut her off only 2 days ago.
Today, she looked good, best I've seen in months and was hanging by the phone hoping for a job! No car(it's broke), no money, friends that only hung with her because she had money and NOT NOW. hum, wants a job????? What the heck!
Hello everyone really could use some ideas on how to get my 16 yr old son back on track. He has been raised by me all his life and my fiance since he was two. All through elementary and middle school he was very respectful and a honor roll student. Now since he has been in high school he no longer listens to either one of us and sneaks out of the house every minute he gets. When he leaves he won't answer his phone or text messages from us. When he does come home, he never has an explanation of where he's been. He constantly makes comments to me well I don't drink or do drugs all I want to do is hang with my friends.This would be fine if he would ask, but he doesn't and when I punish him he always sneaks out. Something is going on with him and I don't know how to handle his smart but anymore. I waited until now to finally start nursing school, so I could raise my kids properly, but he is making it impossible for me to concentrate on school. If I could only find a way to get him to open up to me again like he use to. FYI he does have a mentor already, so that won't be a suggestion. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Who's the mentor? Where did he come from and why did your son need one? How long has he been your sons' mentor?
it sounds to me like its time to break out the good ol' metal bars and place them across the window. all joke aside this girl i was friends with use to sneek out and her parents put an alarm on her window and door so they would know when she was sneeking out.
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