Things you don't know about your parents (party, stepfather, divorced)
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I happen to know three adult sisters, in their 40s and 50s, who are angry at their father for his divorce. This good man (my step-father) died 2-1/2 years ago. What these sisters don't know, and will never know, are the facts about their mother's infidelity. The father has protected his daughters for all of these years from this knowledge, even after her death, in order not to turn them against their own mother, in spite of her calumnies against him.
Furthermore, these sisters adored their now departed grandfather (by marriage), but are unaware that he sexually abused their own father.
Dear bitter, angry, adult children: consider the possibility that you don't actually know much about the struggles, the burdens, or the secrets of your parents. Many good parents will protect you from their own secret pain. Lose the rage and resentment.
This is true. I don't know about my parents, besides what I already knew or people have told me here and there. I have actually learned some good things I didn't know.
My children do not know some things their father did to me when we were together, along with his mother.
While he is the biggest jerk on the planet, it just seems wrong that they should have to learn such things.
As my son gets older, he does learn things, however, and when they are visiting at my sisters, she does get mad and blurt things out...
I happen to know three adult sisters, in their 40s and 50s, who are angry at their father for his divorce. This good man (my step-father) died 2-1/2 years ago. What these sisters don't know, and will never know, are the facts about their mother's infidelity. The father has protected his daughters for all of these years from this knowledge, even after her death, in order not to turn them against their own mother, in spite of her calumnies against him.
Furthermore, these sisters adored their now departed grandfather (by marriage), but are unaware that he sexually abused their own father.
Dear bitter, angry, adult children: consider the possibility that you don't actually know much about the struggles, the burdens, or the secrets of your parents. Many good parents will protect you from their own secret pain. Lose the rage and resentment.
The man made the wrong decision. His daughters are not children. He should have told them at some point about why he and their mother was divorced. They deserved to have a nuanced and complicated view of thier mother and father. Thier mother probably had her reasons for cheating. While they don't make her behavior excusable, they probably show that she's not a monster either .. just a woman in an unsatisfying relationship.
I recommend you tell these women about thier dead parents. They deserve to know and make their own minds about them.
My father's often a horrible human being, but I love him dearly. However, he's never really tried to sugarcoat anything. All his uglies are on display.
I'm sure your stepfather was a good person, but he didn't do his daughters any favors by "protecting" them. They deserved to know the truth about their mother and their grandfather. By hiding those facts, your stepfather denied them an open and honest relationship with HIM. And how could he let his daughters develop a close relationship with a man who molested HIM? Their skewed point of view is partly on him because he concealed relevant truths and the picture that they had before them didn't add up. Presumably their mother fed them falsehoods, and he didn't bother to correct them. They have no reason to believe anything else.
End result, they worship a dead child molestor and believe their mother to be a saint. I feel kind of sorry for them - so much of their lives are built on lies.
You don't badmouth the ex, but you also don't let falsehoods stand.
You don't ever know anyone's full life. Everyone has their secrets, things they don't share. My parents are pretty open, candid, and frank, but there are of course things that they don't and won't ever share with their kids, or probably any others. I look at my own past relationship, and I know there are things that went on that I will never, ever speak about to others, and if I had kids, definitely not my kids. My parents are together, forty years and counting, but due to significant exposure to parents where ugly divorces were involved, I have seen horrible manipulation, and kids who are told things, true and untrue, that don't benefit anyone to know, particularly presented as they are, which is half-truths, untruths, what one party believes to be true, but in fact, isn't necessarily, etc. People are messy.
I have mixed feelings about this. The OP touched on one side of my feelings. The other side is more personal. My grandparents hid my absent father's alcoholism from me and I only found out about it when I was 16 from a third party. I wish they had been more open, accepting (to a point) and educated about it. It would have helped me more than keeping it a secret.
A few years ago, we found a box of pictures of our grandpa in the 1920s. He was the sweetest guy, always loved everyone. Always doing things for other people. Really jolly and non-judgemental. His response to everything was to laugh. Nothing offended him or stressed himout and he did not offend anyone. He was the kind of guy everyone loves.
The pictures are of him attending a KKK rally.
I dot think Mom even knew about that or the pictures. Can't ask her or him now. It seems so unlike him.
There are somethings that should never be hidden from children.
My parents never fought or raised their voices to each other in front of us..NEVER...two end results from that.
1) We were shell shocked in our early 20's that they were divorcing...we thought we had June and Ward Cleaver as parents.
2) We didn't know married people fought. Imagine our surprise the 1st time we had a disagreement with our respective spouses?
While I will never encourage knock down drag outs with your spouse in front of your children they need to see conflict and resolution.
To the OP...I feel for your step-sisters. They never really got to know the Dad that you knew. They missed out.
If your close enough with them to explain the truth to them, I'd like to see you do it. You'll get resistance because no matter how nicely you put it, you'll be defaming their mother. You'd better have some proof of the grandparent too.
My grandparents (who were ahead of their time as civil rights activists) were invited to a social event in the 20's. They were quite happy to go as they lived out in the country and didn't have much chance to get dressed up and go out to meet the neighbors. When they got there and started sipping their punch they were quite surprised to discover it was a KKK meeting.
My grandmother loved to tell that story just to see the look on people's faces. Her one and only Klan meeting. (She and my grandfather single-handedly desegregated the schools in their county. And shocked the neighbors by going to a "colored" church. They liked the sermons. How they got invited to a Klan meeting I have no idea.)
So the message is: things aren't always what they appear to be. Had we found a photo of Granny at a Klan meeting and not known the circumstances we might have though she had a secret life. When what she had was a social personality and a husband who enjoyed meeting new people.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 10-30-2012 at 12:14 PM..
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