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Thank you. They were. My granddad didn't get a lot of years because he was gassed in the trenches in WWI. My grandmother lived to be 96 and could name the starting line-up of the Los Angeles Lakers on the day she died. Childhood sweethearts to boot.
My family is nothing but secrets and lies. To this day I never know what to believe when my mother tells me something. You know the old saying: I can always tell when you're lying - your lips are moving.
And my father doesn't even share stuff with her, his wife. His constant refrain is, "It's none of your business!" or "You don't need to know that!" Well, I understand things not being someone else's business but how do you take a 3-week trip overseas and refuse to tell your own spouse of 50 years where you're going, what you're doing or what date/time you'll be back?!
A few years ago, we found a box of pictures of our grandpa in the 1920s. He was the sweetest guy, always loved everyone. Always doing things for other people. Really jolly and non-judgemental. His response to everything was to laugh. Nothing offended him or stressed himout and he did not offend anyone. He was the kind of guy everyone loves.
The pictures are of him attending a KKK rally.
I dot think Mom even knew about that or the pictures. Can't ask her or him now. It seems so unlike him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn
My grandparents (who were ahead of their time as civil rights activists) were invited to a social event in the 20's. They were quite happy to go as they lived out in the country and didn't have much chance to get dressed up and go out to meet the neighbors. When they got there and started sipping their punch they were quite surprised to discover it was a KKK meeting.
My grandmother loved to tell that story just to see the look on people's faces. Her one and only Klan meeting. (She and my grandfather single-handedly desegregated the schools in their county. And shocked the neighbors by going to a "colored" church. They liked the sermons. How they got invited to a Klan meeting I have no idea.)
So the message is: things aren't always what they appear to be. Had we found a photo of Granny at a Klan meeting and not known the circumstances we might have though she had a secret life. When what she had was a social personality and a husband who enjoyed meeting new people.
When I read the first poster, my first thought was that "things aren't always what they seem", Perhaps he was so appalled by what he saw and heard that he kept the photographs to remind him of what NOT to do.
My mom didn't know that my grandma had two husbands before my grandfather until just recently. She was shocked to find out that grandma was on husband number three by eighteen years of age.
Who cares, what happened in the past between parents is their business and not their children's business. They would not believe him anyway if he told them she cheated on him so why bother to bring it up. The children need to tend to their own lives and stay out of their parents past.
I strongly disagree with the part I emphasized. There's a proper place and time for everything, of course, but a child should learn from their parents. A massive number of people get divorced, and a massive number of people cheat. Statistics alone dictate that at least one of their kids will likely deal with the same freaking issues as the parents did.
If you hide the shameful parts of your life from your kids, you likely doom them to repeat the same mistakes, and without the knowledge you gained from it. Maybe it's because I come from two chronically abusive families, but I like breaking the cycle. You can't plan for things you don't know about.
Also, why can't a parent delve into a topic like that while keeping it civil and productive? Be a grown up, for crying out loud. If you already have kids, the time to spare feelings and avoid discomfort is over.
I strongly disagree with the part I emphasized. There's a proper place and time for everything, of course, but a child should learn from their parents. A massive number of people get divorced, and a massive number of people cheat. Statistics alone dictate that at least one of their kids will likely deal with the same freaking issues as the parents did.
If you hide the shameful parts of your life from your kids, you likely doom them to repeat the same mistakes, and without the knowledge you gained from it. Maybe it's because I come from two chronically abusive families, but I like breaking the cycle. You can't plan for things you don't know about.
Also, why can't a parent delve into a topic like that while keeping it civil and productive? Be a grown up, for crying out loud. If you already have kids, the time to spare feelings and avoid discomfort is over.
Its all about choices. Your parents, grandparents,yourself, and your offspring. I learned long ago that everyone is different ( you will be mostly like your grandparents). Who knows what your kids will turn into, and thinking now that they are "grown up" says its all over, think again ! We all are learning until the day we die. I never dismiss any of the actions of my now all dead family . In many ways, the generation gap can be put to blame. "Archie Bunker lives" , there is no doubt about it. If you were a fan of that series, there always a moral to every episode. Truth trumps tradition , bigotry, and all the stereo types that made that show so entertaining. It was as such, cause the same choices have been made in real life, we all can connect one time or another.
Bottom line , don't sell your self, your kids, those who have already made theirs.along with those who now have past on. ( they actually don't need defending, you just think they do " to set the record straight".) daylight is always a good thing, we should know about the past, the misdeeds, we should also remember that the whole story is usually never told, except on Walter Winchell, as the " rest of the story".
So the next time you find out some secrets of yours, of those in the family closet, give those involved a wide path, stand aside, do not judge, remember, next time it will be YOU. What is written on your grave stone will fade with time ( a meta fore, not actual writing) a lot of the answers DO fade away, so do the misdeeds you think you know., or try to blame one side or the other. We in a way, all walk in the shoes of our parents and grandparents, we are more like them than we would like to admit.
My father's often a horrible human being, but I love him dearly. However, he's never really tried to sugarcoat anything. All his uglies are on display.
I'm sure your stepfather was a good person, but he didn't do his daughters any favors by "protecting" them. They deserved to know the truth about their mother and their grandfather. By hiding those facts, your stepfather denied them an open and honest relationship with HIM. And how could he let his daughters develop a close relationship with a man who molested HIM? Their skewed point of view is partly on him because he concealed relevant truths and the picture that they had before them didn't add up. Presumably their mother fed them falsehoods, and he didn't bother to correct them. They have no reason to believe anything else.
End result, they worship a dead child molestor and believe their mother to be a saint. I feel kind of sorry for them - so much of their lives are built on lies.
You don't badmouth the ex, but you also don't let falsehoods stand.
I agree with that. He denied them a relationship with him, he let himself become the bad guy and so they lost having their father.
They didn't need to be told every gory detail, but it's better if they didn't see the parents in that all-or-nothing kind of view. He could have let them know in a way that didn't destroy the mother that he wasn't the only reason the marriage failed.
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