Biological Clock ticking fast and husband cant have kids! (children, father, best)
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I am not sure exactly what the name of the condition is but the sperm is being blocked my a wall. That is how he explained it to me. Originally I thought it was me who had the problem and I started getting medical treatment right away. However, since it is not me I can not MAKE him go. I have been trying to suggest options and talk to him about making plans, but he keeps postponing any solution. I have been nothing but supporting and "flaw" was his word. I should of used another term, I apologize.
I even suggested getting sperm from one of his family members so it would still be in the bloodline, but he hated the thought of that. I do understand how difficult it is for him and I wouldn't of reached out for advice here if it was an easy solution. I don't want to keep straining the marriage but I also don't want to be in the same boat 10 years from now. I definitely feel like I am in panic mode and am running out of options.
First of all, your biological clock is not gonna stop in the next couple of years. So there is no need for panic. Keep that in your mind - and take comfort in that thought.
Next, you need to come to terms with whether or not your husband even WANTS children as badly as you do. He is NOT behaving like a man who is driven to be a father. Now, there may be many reasons for this.
You mentioned you moved and he continued his education. Is he still in school? Could part of his hesitation be in re: to the financial impact of taking the next steps towards pregnancy? This can amount to literally tens of thousands of dollars, which is enough to make most of us question how driven we are to procreate.
And lastly, are you being totally honest about your own feelings about motherhood? It is very clear you want to carry your own child rather than adopt. And you have researched and come up with various alternatives to adoption, one which includes surgery, wh/ your husband may not feel so inclined to pursue (fear of the surgery itself; financial cost; low chance for success even after going thru/ this delicate surgery).
The other solutions would mean a sperm donor. Now, here is what you need to consider: you yourself want "your own baby," - not to adopt. You want to experience pregnancy. Yet, think about your husband - you are asking him to essentially "adopt" a child if you use a sperm donor. Now, I am not saying this could be a psychological stumbling block for him - but it MIGHT be. He may resent that you "get to have YOUR OWN baby" but he doesn't. And he may feel terrible for having those thoughts, but I have read cases where men struggled with those very considerations.
So . . . this is not as simple as making up your mind about how you are going to go about getting pregnant. It may be a LOT more complicated than that. He has his own unique set of feelings, as well, including being impacted by feelings (however irrational he may know they are) that he is not able to perform the function most men take for granted - fathering his own child.
Perhaps if you knew how much of his reluctance to move forward is financial, or is based on resentment or other negative feelings about fatherhood under these circumstances, you could better frame a discussion with your husband about planning to become parents - and you may want to include suggesting adoption, as well, and see how open he is to that option.
I agree that counseling (but with the right person!) could be very helpful for you both in planning your future together.
Just some things to think about. I wish you and your husband the best!
I'm sure you're upset - but you are kind of all over the place and it's hard to follow. You're not even 30? You can calm down a little bit and take some time to resolve this. If you're afraid you have diabetes like your Mother - did the doctor check you for that?
How long ago did your husband receive this diagnosis? Has he had enough time to process this? We saw an RE before having our son and I know it's difficult. But I'm wondering if you've seen a specialist? They take a lot of time to go over test results and it seems like you two don't even know what's actually wrong. "There are no guarantees" is no answer. A good specialist will give you details and odds of success for any procedures.
I am not sure exactly what the name of the condition is but the sperm is being blocked my a wall. That is how he explained it to me. Originally I thought it was me who had the problem and I started getting medical treatment right away. However, since it is not me I can not MAKE him go. I have been trying to suggest options and talk to him about making plans, but he keeps postponing any solution. I have been nothing but supporting and "flaw" was his word. I should of used another term, I apologize.
I even suggested getting sperm from one of his family members so it would still be in the bloodline, but he hated the thought of that. I do understand how difficult it is for him and I wouldn't of reached out for advice here if it was an easy solution. I don't want to keep straining the marriage but I also don't want to be in the same boat 10 years from now. I definitely feel like I am in panic mode and am running out of options.
Time for a sit down. You need to take charge with him, find a date to schedule whatever surgery his doctor suggested and get this taken care of now. He might be scared by the thought of having children right now or the thought of having surgery, and for that you just have to assure him you'll be with him every step of the way.
It sounds like he is producing sperm which is great and probably means you won't have to use donor sperm, but if he wants to have his own genetic children then he's going to have to put on a brave face and move forward. Maybe surgery will clear things up and you two will be able to conceive on your own, no problem, maybe you'll need more help.
In our office we have done testicular biopsies, which takes a strip of flesh out of the testicle which includes sperm that are then injected into the egg for IVF. THAT should sound scary enough to make him opt for the surgery instead.
And he shouldn't feel bad or like less of a man at all for having fertility troubles. That's like feeling less manly for having appendicitis, it's something that is beyond your control.
I understand the wanting a child. I had 3, buy when I met my second husband, I so wanted one of the two of us. I don't know if I can explain it, but the love we had was so that I wished we could have had one together.He had a vasectomy 16 years before, that even with reversal didn't work. He drug his feet when the doc said he could try to blow his tubes out. One day when I was 41, he looked at me, told me he was never sure he wanted a baby, but he felt he was ready and wanted one. The next day he was electrocuted. Try a therapist, and if he is willing, a donor....best of luck, my thoughts are with you.
Look if he isn't willing to do it or work on it then you should consider moving on in life. Because this is something that would have the ability to cause major resentment later on in life.
I married my husband in my early twenties and never discussed the child factor thinking it will happen eventually. So after trying for over 5 years and going to multiple doctors, it turns out that it's not me that can't have children, it is my husband. It hit us hard especially him since he did not know of his flaw and felt like his manhood is gone. He is an amazing husband and devoted to me and his career. I have talked to him multiple times about perhaps going through surgery or if we should have some kind of plan with no clear response. He keeps playing the waiting game and I am terrified that by the time he makes up his mind, I will be too old to have children. My mom had a child at 34 but had many complications such as diabetes so I am afraid that it runs in the family and I might have it too. I've always pictures myself as a young mom with my own children. I have pondered the idea of adoption but would rather have my own. I know he has a fear of having surgery in a spot that is so important and the doctors can not guarantee results, which i understand.
Now approaching my 30th birthday and I have serious anxiety about this. Every time I mention is he gets defensive and distant. I have suggested seeing a marriage counselor but he refuses to go. I started seeing a therapist on my own and she suggested to move out of our small town into a city. Here I am in the city of Chicago now with the same exact problems but only alone without the friends/family support circle. We moved here to Chicago for him to continue his education and I left everything behind with hope of a bigger and better future. He is doing great with his school, found a job in his field and jumped into the city life with ease. I am working for a CPA and falling into depression sitting at a desk from 9-5 just to collect the salary.
Am I panicking for no reason or is there a real problem here? I do not want to keep straining our relationship but I can't stop dreaming/thinking/worrying/researching about what to do! Am I just bored or is this a serious issue? So confused on what to do because he is so loving, playful and caring but this is the one BIG issue we just cant get resolved. How much longer should I wait??
I think you need to get to a fertility specialist -- if there are any live sperm, they can do things like concentrate them and get them right up near the egg when it's released so that the chances go way up. Have your husband come with you so that he can hear the explanations of whatever "flaw" and the treatments and solutions around it.
Sometimes it's just low sperm count, sometimes the fluid is too thick and traps them, or there may be a block somewhere that can be opened. When you think of all the many complexities of the human body and now many things could go wrong, it's not such a surprise that sometimes there is a minor "flaw".
He may feel a bit overwhelmed or is blaming himself and defensive, but you have to get him over that hurdle. At least he shares your desire to have a family -- that's a far bigger problem to overcome - when one absolutely does not want children and the other absolutely does want them.
Hopefully it can be a simply fix -- but first see a fertility specialist and find him a good urologist.
if you do go the donor route please do not feel you must tell your family and friends. keep a decision like this very private. there is no shame in donor insemination. you would be surprised how common it is. but if others know some jerky relative will feel it is their place to tell the kid "your dad is not your real dad" and that can be devastating to a child. I don't think it is even necessary to tell the child. reputable donor insemination doctors thoroughly check out the donor for family diseases, etc and you can be sure your child will be healthy.
if you do go the donor route please do not feel you must tell your family and friends. keep a decision like this very private. there is no shame in donor insemination. you would be surprised how common it is. but if others know some jerky relative will feel it is their place to tell the kid "your dad is not your real dad" and that can be devastating to a child. I don't think it is even necessary to tell the child. reputable donor insemination doctors thoroughly check out the donor for family diseases, etc and you can be sure your child will be healthy.
As a mom of a donor egg baby - I'd agree that friends /family don't need to be told about the donor. In my case, my mom and sister know but my dad doesn't because I know he wouldnt understand.
I think that it's a bad idead not to tell the child though - I plan on explaining it to my daughter when she's old enough to understand and make a decision re: who she wants to know and tell. The chikd deserves to know, IMO
anifani got to the issue before I could...it may very well be that ol' Husbster doesn't want kids. He may not want to break your heart by coming out and saying it, though, so he shuts you down when you bring up the subject of doctors and procedures. Maybe he likes his life the way it is.
personally? I would consider a sterile man extremely manly!
Sounds like he is afraid to fail. He already has in some ways. I'd hate to imagine being in your husband's position and have a doctor operate on me to STILL fail. He may be concerned that you may leave him. Can't marriages can be annulled if the man is infertile? He may realize this. You want kids so badly, he can't provide them. Even if you talk about sperm donors and such, he still has a mental picture of someone else impregnating you.
It is a tough situation. Even broaching the subject of therapy (whether psychological or fertility) could really push him off the cliff.
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