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DD is 5 and plays with a neighbor’s daughter E, who is 6 years old, a lot. DD considers E her best friend. When it is just the 2 of them, they get along very well and play nicely. This is what happens when a 3rd kid comes into the scenario:
1. If E’s friend from home come along while DD and E are playing, E will run to her friend and totally ignore DD. DD gets upset and I don’t blame her. It’s up to E’s mom to teach her not to exclude anyone. I tried to let DD know that she can always just join in but she refused saying that they don’t want to play with her
2. If DD and E are playing outside and another neighbor’s daughter who is 11 years old (let’s call her J) comes and join in the fold, then I noticed there is some sort of competition between DD and E for J’s attention. Somehow J favors E more and DD gets upset because of that. I don’t know how to deal with this particular situation
3. DD was at a playground with another friend from school (H who is 7) when E came. DD was happy and she started playing with E. H felt left out and was upset. I called DD aside and have her include H but H somehow didn’t want to
My question – is it common with 5, 6 or 7 years old that they can mostly focus on 1 friend at a time? If not, is it something that comes with age? Is it just girls? Or is it DD’s ‘problem’ that she is sensitive
Yep, totally normal. I have seen it continue through middle school. My sons would always want an even number of friends to sleep over because no one wanted to be the "odd man out."
Competition for attention from an older kid is not surprising either. It's all about validation.
As children that age try to figure out who they are, their sense of self will come from many sources. We hope it will come from within, but people always want to feel validated by others. That's what this game you describe is about.
I wouldn't force them to play with someone. They have to learn to trust their own instincts. Keep encouraging them to understand how it feels to be left out, and to consider the feelings of others. But mostly let them play on their own.
Ah! The inevitable triangle. It is a part of childhood. The good news is that it get's better around 3rd grade or so, but it can happen even later. There was a point when my daughter would turn down playdates that involved a total of 3 kids, because she knew what it would be like. She used to say 2 or 4 but, not 3. In 5th grade it is a non issue. Just teach your daughter to be inclusive, but she will have to learn herself how to manage the triangles. Good luck.
Immy...yes...I think it's very common...I noticed the same thing when mine were young....two's company...three's a crowd.
It happened with my kids, too.
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