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To top it off I guess everybody and there grandparents are having marital issues cause I'm having problems finding a counselor that is even accepting people right now.
PaulFrank, time to kick it into high gear. Please contact your family doctor and see him/her if you need to - get a referral, get someone running interference for you. I don't know if you are looking strictly for a psychologist or psychiatrist, but also look for family counselors, licensed clinical social workers (LCSW), etc. in your area. Your workplace HR dept. may be able to help you if you work for a larger company that has an actual HR dept., as some insurance plans will cover counselors. There are apparently some religious situations here and I wouldn't even go there, but a local clergyman may be able to refer you to someone. Some larger churches even a counselor on staff - they are bound under confidentiality just as surely as any other medical professional, so don't let the steeple stop you. If it is a matter of finances, call the State social services mental health office and see if there is a fee-based counselor, or if there is a medical university nearby try them. As you call these mental health professionals, if they say they aren't accepting new patients, please ask who they would recommend. I think your PCP, her GYN, or even the kids' pediatrician may be your best bet for a good referral.
The whole locking the door thing - well, I think you're being punished. Chances are that you'd have to see her naked for her to be able to have another baby, so I'd say you're getting frozen pretty badly. All I can really think of is to back off completely - of everything. Try to revert back to where you were a week ago, let things be easy and calm between the two of you. This issue has taken over your entire lives and has suddenly become the focal point and sun around which your married life revolves. Back it off - go to work, help with the kids, ignore the elephant in the living room for just a bit until things calm down. The tenser things get, the more she ramps up, the more upset you get, the tenser you both get. Ugh. Even the tiniest things become monumental under those circumstances. Try to back things down, if for no other reason than this cannot possibly be a good situation for your children - they know something is up. Hang close to them and try to pull their world back together....they surely must be confused.
The tension in your home has clearly escalated in the past 48 hours. I can't stress enough - even if you can't find a counselor for you and your wife, you need assistance in picking your way through this minefield.
I'm very sorry - I know you were hoping this was a whirlwind that might pass on it's own - and it may, maybe she just needs to wind herself out until she is thinking a little more logically (which just simply will not happen if this is a hormonal imbalance). In the meantime, I suspect this topic has been in her head for a very long time, she's probably given out a million hints of what she was thinking, and you simply missed them. So in her mind she may think you've been refusing her the desire of her heart for months, when indeed you just became aware of the real issue. It happens to the best of us with the best of relationships.
This not talking and tension and avoiding is for the birds. We're adult children over here. This morning she even locked our bedroom door while she took a shower so I wouldn't see her naked I guess. This is just getting worse and worse. To top it off I guess everybody and there grandparents are having marital issues cause I'm having problems finding a counselor that is even accepting people right now.
Then see a lawyer instead. She needs a dose of reality. Call her bluff. Tell her you want a divorce. Tell her she has two weeks to find a place because since she doesn't want the kids and you do, you're keeping them. Let her think on what her life will be like wihtout you to support her. I'm a working mom to two kids and I can tell you it's not easy. I can't imagine 4 kids and working for a living.
Whatever you do, do NOT let her manipulate you into a decision you don't want. SHE is NOT considering your wants at all here. A child must be wanted by both parents.
A few years back, my husband tried to manipulate me with threats of a divorce. One day he told me he was thinking of moving out. I was so sick of it, I just asked when he was leaving. He got an apartment so I filed for divorce (had to to settle custody of the kids). It did not take long for him to figure out that life outside of marriage wasn't better. We separated in March and were back in marriage counseling working on a reconcilliation in June. I have to say he's a different person now.
There's a saying: "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it." Maybe she needs to get what she's wishing for. I don't know what's wrong with her but she's pulling the strings in your marriage and throwing fits if she doesn't get her way. SHE accuses you of not wanting your marriage when it's clear it is she who doesn't want it. She's not even thinking about what life will be like if you two separate. Does she really think being a working mom to 4 kids while sharing custody with you will be a better life for herself or any of you? Not that she's thinking of anyone but herself here. My guess is she likes being a pregnant princess so she keeps having "accidents". Her last one didn't work out and it would look too suspicious now to have another "accident" this soon so now she has to get you to agree. I predict that if you don't get snipped, she will, eventually, have another "accident".
Seriously, get snipped. Tell her you are done with kids and there will be no more "accidents". Like many here, I do not believe all these "accidents" were accidents at all. I think she's been manipulating the situation to her liking all along. It's time to man up and yes that may mean your marriage is over but, from what you've told us, it's not much of a marriage to begin with. Change is hard but I don't think you're going to be losing much.
I was suprised by how much less stress I had in my life when my husband moved out. Seriously, if we hadn't had two young kids, I wouldn't have reconciled. Life was so much nicer when I could make decisions that were best for me instead of being manipulated by someone else into something I didn't want.
Good luck. Please find a counselor. I'm sure you can find one somewhere.
I started perimenopause in my late 30's and she might be going thru this as well. Most of us don't even think about going thru menopause until our late 40's but there is usually a long period before which can make your life a living hell. Talk to her doctor or get her to go to gyn to discuss how her hormonal balance is taking a toll on her. There are medications which can help.
But I too suspect this 5th baby thing is not the real issue but it is convenient hook upon which to hang all her complaints.
PaulFrank, time to kick it into high gear. Please contact your family doctor and see him/her if you need to - get a referral, get someone running interference for you. I don't know if you are looking strictly for a psychologist or psychiatrist, but also look for family counselors, licensed clinical social workers (LCSW), etc. in your area. Your workplace HR dept. may be able to help you if you work for a larger company that has an actual HR dept., as some insurance plans will cover counselors. There are apparently some religious situations here and I wouldn't even go there, but a local clergyman may be able to refer you to someone. Some larger churches even a counselor on staff - they are bound under confidentiality just as surely as any other medical professional, so don't let the steeple stop you. If it is a matter of finances, call the State social services mental health office and see if there is a fee-based counselor, or if there is a medical university nearby try them. As you call these mental health professionals, if they say they aren't accepting new patients, please ask who they would recommend. I think your PCP, her GYN, or even the kids' pediatrician may be your best bet for a good
Good luck and stay as calm as you can.
PaulFrank: this is great advice. ^^^ Also, know that this time of year is "busy season" for most therapists. You could try to get on waiting lists with several providers (sometimes the waiting lists go really quickly, people lose interest in the idea or find another provider, cancellations happen frequently). There were times that my clinic had a 4 month wait list and 2 weeks later it was cleared, so you never know how fast the initial appointment may arrive. I know it doesn't help you in this exact moment, but try to hang in there. IMO, you probably don't want to do anything to escalate the tension further (like calling a lawyer) - in her current frame of mind, that might backfire in a very big way and end up working against you. Good luck to you.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 02-23-2012 at 06:17 AM..
Another suggestion if you have an HR department: do you have EAP (employee assistance programs)? I believe some include free marital counseling or advice.
Good luck to you. This is a really rough situation.
Another suggestion if you have an HR department: do you have EAP (employee assistance programs)? I believe some include free marital counseling or advice.
Good luck to you. This is a really rough situation.
Yes, this! If you have it, you probably have 8 or so free sessions to start.
This not talking and tension and avoiding is for the birds. We're adult children over here. This morning she even locked our bedroom door while she took a shower so I wouldn't see her naked I guess. This is just getting worse and worse. To top it off I guess everybody and there grandparents are having marital issues cause I'm having problems finding a counselor that is even accepting people right now.
Hmmm Have you tried flowers and a nice card? Again? .. A little more help around the house? Taking the kids off her hands? I know you're working your arse off here PF, but at the same time, perhaps it's time to take it back to the drawing board. How did you woo her when you first sought to make her your own?
Try stepping it up in the care department a bit. Hey, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but this is the cold, hard and dirty of it all. If she's in a pit of despair and all you're doing is bringing in the bacon, she can always pick up the papers, file for divorce, go for custody of the children, collect child support and raise the kids alone. If all she feels you two have in common are those 4 children, she doesn't have a reason to stay with you. I mean, the fact that you wouldn't even have one of your children baptized, could be causing enough resentment to show her that she's "yoked unevenly". I'd be scheduling a baptism and treating her like someone you love more than life itself....IF you want this marriage to last.
This shouldn't be a battle PF and it doesn't have to be. You need to step back from the plate and assess the situation a bit closer. Amp up your game and show the women why she'd be better off with you than without you. Honestly, I'm still shaking my head a little bit about your refusal on the baptism thing there. If that's really important to her, dude, you need to make it important to YOU. That was blatantly disrespectful and controlling on your part, it really was. Whether you agree with it or not, you need to understand just how important it is to her, and how wrong it was of you to refuse that.
Practice this phrase....I know it's awfully hard for some people, but it can be said....with practice. "You were right honey and I was so, so very wrong. Please forgive me!"
If I missed this somewhere, I apologize, but PF...are you aware that in her heart, she could be feeling like a murderer? She found herself pregnant with #5, you both contemplated ending the pregnancy, then she miscarried a week later. You do understand that she probably feels as if that miscarriage was a direct result of "thinking of getting rid of it", right? Are you the one who brought it up? She needs you to be her best friend in the whole world, but right now, she's seeing you as her accomplice in a murder. That's why her head is saying, "Have another to show God you didn't mean it!" The fact that you won't help her make this up to God, shows her that you're not sorry." Mind you,this is a grieving, irrational thought process, but a very valid one. Good luck. You gotta find a counsellor, one who can help her to see that this miscarriage was not a punishment. Gosh, it's sounding more and more like a Duggar situation.
It's a big and complicated issue but I want to comment on just one little part. My parents were y'all's ages (though reversed) when my little brother was born, the fifth and final child in our family. My brother is now in college and my parents are in their late 50s/early 60s, not their 70s and they are as active as ever. I have never felt deprived for having parents who had me later in life or for being one of five kids. Five doesn't even feel like that many kids to me, I would have happily accepted another sibling or two.
Back many years ago people had huge families to work the farms and to replace the kids who most likely would not live to be 6 years old. We are in a different time now and most people seem to think a family is full at 2-3 kids and of course many stop at 1. Whatever the number you have to live within your means and each COUPLE have to determine what they can handle.
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