ruh roh...how to avoid problems (child, college, friends, family)
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Fact is, you can't raise your children in a bubble. They will be influenced by people and things outside of your control. You will occasionally change your mind or make compromises on things you felt 100% certain about before you actually got to the place where you actually get to make the call. Regarding grandparents, I think the best bet is to keep in mind that somehow they managed to successfully raise you and certainly had input on the views and values you now hold dear. Keep them in the loop with your feelings but pick your battles. If you feel strongly about X toy/indulgence whatever then I don't see anything wrong with letting the grandparents know that. But it's unfair and unrealistic to tell them they can never indulge a grandchild because you don't believe in indulgence period. I agree with whomever said earlier ultimately, how you choose to live and behave will have much more influence on your child than the occasional grandparental indulgence.
If the grandparents want to buy a kid a Xbox 360 just because, why not? It's their money and they can do what they want with it.
But of course, the parents can say, "In our home, children under 10 don't play video games," or, "He will enjoy playing it when he comes to visit you," or some other such thing. Hopefully this would be clear before the grandparents made the purchase. If grandparents wanted to buy the child a horse, or a gun, or a dog, or a drum set, shouldn't they first get the parents' permission? In some households, video games are at least as intrusive as dogs.
Perhaps the grandparents generosity can be harnessed and directed: a quality bicycle, horseback riding lessons (but not a horse!), a musical instrument, a special vacation.
Fortunately, you've got a couple of years before your parents' and inlaws' influences will affect your little one. LOL Be sure to discuss with both your parents, the importance of the core values you and your wife want to instill in your children. Then, consider yourselves lucky to have parents who plan on spoiling their grandchild. As other posters have already said, many have parents who have nothing to do with their grandchildren. They don't remember their grandchildren's birthdays, much less want to buy them anything.
Think of any spoiled kids you know. It is the parents who do the spoiling. I cannot think of a single child I have ever known who was spoiled because their grandparents spoiled them.
If your day to day caregivers are calm, supportive but realistic, generous of their time and moderate with material things the kids turn out fine no matter what the grandparents do.
Um. Yeah, the spoiled kids I am thinking about who live in a fantasy world of riches ARE the other grandchildren in this scenario. However, they all live within walking distance of aforementioned grandparents. We live 4 hours away. We are hoping THAT will make a difference.
These same grandparents undermine us with our own dogs...I can't imagine how they'll be with the kids.
ultimately, how you choose to live and behave will have much more influence on your child than the occasional grandparental indulgence.
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I 100% agree. And I agree that kids and grandparents share a very special relationship. What worries me is that it is unlikely to be 'occasional' indulgence based on history of how they are with their nearby grandchildren, but like I said...with them living farther away, it may mitigate the problem.
I would rather the 'special' relationship be comprised of time spent together learning, fishing, baking, cuddling...not guilt money thrown around.
Well how would your kids feel if they see their cousins getting all kinds of cool gifts from the grandparents but they rarely get anything or whatever they get is much smaller?
Just provide them with a whole ton of grandkids to spoil and they'll run out of money.
Well how would your kids feel if they see their cousins getting all kinds of cool gifts from the grandparents but they rarely get anything or whatever they get is much smaller?
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That's another big lesson. Who the hell cares what other people do or get? This attitude is the first step towards the 'keeping up with the Joneses' mentality.
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