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I am from a family with both parents in the home. BUT my mother was the constant nagger and my dad was the quiet one but slightly selfish. My mother complained about my dad from sun up to sun down. He would go to work to get away from it. No love was shown to us or demonstrated beween my parents either.
At schoolage, I really didn't know better until you get to be around other families to compare the family dynamics to mine. As you get older you begin to see things differently and clearly. By preteen and teenage you are hormonal and confused and angry, yet smart enough to see what's going on regardless if there is a divorce or married families.
The major problem I see, now that I am an adult is that because of my parents lack of affection for one another made it hard for all of us to really know what LOVE is. We all are afraid of marriage and don't want to end up like our parents.
My final comment would be... a child becomes what (s)he has observed between the parents and of each parent. Whether it is love, financial responsiblity, maturity, generosity or selfishness, irresponsiblity, pride, stubborness; not divorce or married is the issue at ALL
Yikes. That sounds similar to my childhood. My father was a disabled WWII vet with what I now realize was some severe PTSD. He was withdrawn and very introverted. My mother was an emotionally-immature attention hound who was constantly screaming at him for not giving her the attention she craved, which would just make him withdraw further. Like you, I realized as I was growing up that other families were different from ours. We pretty much had to raise ourselves and figure things out on our own that other kids' parents helped them with, like school.
I am one of 7 children, 6 still living. One of us has been in a marriage for more than 30 years, her second marriage. She is also the one who cut herself off from my mother for a number of years, and then opened up the relationship again on her terms, but still keeps it at arm length. The rest of us all divorced and never remarried, although a couple are now in LTRs.
We just never learned how to be in a normal, healthy relationships. A few years after my divorce, I made the decision to not date anymore because I realized a healthy relationship simply was never going to be an option for me.
My parents stayed together for 50 years until my father's death. I don't know if it would have helped if my parents had divorced. My mother probably still would have been a screaming, crying drama queen and transferred all her desperation onto us kids. Oddly, though, we were all smart enough to realize we had to do something different with our own, and all but one of us who had children raised them to be pretty stable, mature adults.
Unfortunately, both sets of my grandparents have been divorced. Some more than twice. On my dad's side, it had a really bad effect on my aunt. My bio grandfather (based on what I've heard, I've never met him and don't care to) was the black sheep of his family. He always had this argumentive, controlling nature and my aunt got that from him. She never got over the divorce and when my grandma remarried, my aunt was part of the reason for my grandma's second divorce. She always caused trouble and had a bad attitude as a child. She's still that way. My dad on the other hand, isn't. He eventually accepted Christ and he turned a new leaf.
Unfortunately, both sets of my grandparents have been divorced. Some more than twice. On my dad's side, it had a really bad effect on my aunt. My bio grandfather (based on what I've heard, I've never met him and don't care to) was the black sheep of his family. He always had this argumentive, controlling nature and my aunt got that from him. She never got over the divorce and when my grandma remarried, my aunt was part of the reason for my grandma's second divorce. She always caused trouble and had a bad attitude as a child. She's still that way. My dad on the other hand, isn't. He eventually accepted Christ and he turned a new leaf.
It's interesting how some people can be in the same set of circumstances and come out so differently, isn't it? My BIL, who is African-American, grew up poor in the 50's and 60's determined to do whatever he could to make a better life for himself. He worked two entry-level jobs until one turned out to have opportunity for growth at a time when companies were looking to promote blacks with potential, and he found a career he could advance in. His two sons from his first marriage both went to college and have good jobs and their own homes. Meanwhile, his brother one year younger dropped out of school and turned to drugs and even burglarized my BIL's house. He ended up in jail and died of AIDS two months after his release. Same exact background, two different choices. They didn't come from a divorced home, but his father had a wife and children and they and their mother were a second family on the side.
Children behave in a way in which garners their desired results. If beng bratty has proven to get their goal in the past, they will be bratty. If whining has worked... whining it is. If they have the experience that negative behavior does NOT get the desired results, they don't approach their goals with negative behavior. It doesn't matter if it is a nuclear, divorced, non-traditional or otherwise type of family situation. Children are master manipulators... emotions and smarts are the only way to get their wants met... they cannot get a job yet
As a parent who divorced her child's father and a custodial stepmom, I do not alter my parentng style through guilt or fear from the other bio-parent. I teach my children to think and make choices (and live with consequences) for themselves. I also know I cannot 'make' the other parent behave the way I would like him/her to. A child has a right to develop a relationship with their parent without interfearance from anyone else. Even in a nuclear family, there are sometimes a parent who tries to 'win' the child away from the other parent. For some people it is their 'validation' in life to have the devotion of their child... and children being the manipulators they are, they will work the situation to get their wants met.
There are lots of children from divorced families, who grow up normal, well adjusted, and have few mental or emotional issues. It is better to grow up in a broken home, than live in a completely dysfunctional one for your entire childhood.
I find parents these days are more interested in being friends with their children and telling them they are special, instead of being a parent first and teaching their children that the real world doesn't think they're special and that they need to work hard and smart in order to succeed.
I never really understood the above comment. My friends would not put up with any kind of behavior from me. In fact, they are in a better position than my family since they can decide to never have me a part of their life.
You make it sound like friends put up with all kinds of unwanted and inappropriate behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alltheusernamesaretaken
It irritates me to no end, and as a former teacher I know how it is to have a room full of these brats.
If you expect them to be brats, they will be brats.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
There are lots of children from divorced families, who grow up normal, well adjusted, and have few mental or emotional issues. It is better to grow up in a broken home, than live in a completely dysfunctional one for your entire childhood.
True. Sometimes a marriage doesn't work out but that doesn't automatically mean there was an ugly split.
I have met perfectly normal women in business or school who have got their acts together only to catch a glimpse of their home life and see that they are spoiling their kid silly.
I knew of a kid who cussed his teacher out and mom went running to school to cuss out the teacher because the kid had to stay after school.
I knew a mom who pawned her wedding(or engagement) ring so the little darling could go to a special summer school in another state that he'd won some sort of music scholarship to, only to have the kid come home soon after arriving because he didn't like it there.
I think parents are too frightened that the child will leave them for the other parent that they bend over backwards at the apparent whim of the kid.
How to stop this from happening if the divorce were acrimonious and the parents cannot get together even to devise a game plan that is good for their child?
Is it too easy, if the court awards custody to one parent, for the other and the child to scheme to have the kid move to the other parent's abode?
Alot of the kids you see now are products of parent's that grew up in the divorce era. The era in the late 70's early 80's when divorce was rampant and a large majority of parents these days are children of divorce. That brings a whole other level of issues in itself and if these "children of divorce" also get divorced, it can take on a monster all of it's own. Once again they couldn't make a marriage work (many children of divorce believe it was their fault regardless of being told its not) and now their own kids will feel the way they did. Doing a lot of research on the matter to not make myself a "child of divorce" statistic, it is a known fact that children of divorce have a deep subconcious feeling of worthlessness. Not everyone shows it but it's there. They feed this worthlessness by having this relationship with their kids that is all love and no discipline in turn actually does a disservice to the child. But they don't see it because the parent is trying to ease their OWN feelings. Only because I took the time out to realize the effects of my parents divorce years ago am I a better parent than I would have been 10 years ago. Unfortunatley most people don't realize what they are doing to try to make themselves feel worthy and end up causing a whole new problem for the next generation.
I disagree with both of these. If you are an INEFFECTIVE parent, then parenting is difficult.
Okay.
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