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You know, you might find this laughable, but I sure am no kid anymore, in my '40's, but that feeling of hurt that you describe is as fresh as it was when I was a kid. Thing is, my parents split when I was about two years old, too young to understand a conversation like that. But for anyone who is taking their kids through a divorce, I'll just tell them that a kid cannot see beyond his family unit (s'cuse the expression).. that is his world at least until they start going to school, and if that world breaks apart how could it not be their fault is how they see it... Certainly, their parents that are bigger than life, perfect in every way, and their only connection to the world at large could not be at fault. I'm talking real young kids here, kids who have yet to see all the flaws and shortcomings in their parents..
So true what you said here . Im glad you have the opportunity to be there for your child (or even anothers child) which will help you overcome the pain you went thru.
So true what you said here . Im glad you have the opportunity to be there for your child (or even anothers child) which will help you overcome the pain you went thru.
Well, it's never easy, is it? But my wife and I have stuck when many others may have not; once you know that pain as a kid, if it is at all possible, you will not put your kids through it.
Actually I find most "modern parents" regardless of marital status have become careless and very apathetic torwards their children's behavior. This is a very unfortunate trend. ever notice how when a kid starts screaming, that sometimes the parent will ignore them and subject everyone else to it? And when someone dares tell them to quiet their kids then the parent starts getting angry at them and says "don't tell me how to parent!!" ?
I can't rep you enough on this.
My husband and I refuse to be this kind of parent, though we know many of them.
It irritates me to no end, and as a former teacher I know how it is to have a room full of these brats.
I agree, it's not necessarily just children of divorce anymore.
I'm with the old DrSpock on this. If there is nothing wrong with a kid and he's throwing a crying fit for attention the best lesson to teach him is just to ignore him.
IF there is no one else around to be affected.
I agree with the rest of your post, bad manners for sure.
People are just inconsiderate.
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I am from a family with both parents in the home. BUT my mother was the constant nagger and my dad was the quiet one but slightly selfish. My mother complained about my dad from sun up to sun down. He would go to work to get away from it. No love was shown to us or demonstrated beween my parents either.
At schoolage, I really didn't know better until you get to be around other families to compare the family dynamics to mine. As you get older you begin to see things differently and clearly. By preteen and teenage you are hormonal and confused and angry, yet smart enough to see what's going on regardless if there is a divorce or married families.
The major problem I see, now that I am an adult is that because of my parents lack of affection for one another made it hard for all of us to really know what LOVE is. We all are afraid of marriage and don't want to end up like our parents.
My final comment would be... a child becomes what (s)he has observed between the parents and of each parent. Whether it is love, financial responsiblity, maturity, generosity or selfishness, irresponsiblity, pride, stubborness; not divorce or married is the issue at ALL
Well, it's never easy, is it? But my wife and I have stuck when many others may have not; once you know that pain as a kid, if it is at all possible, you will not put your kids through it.
Anyone have any idea how to make sure that a kid doesn't take on the guilt of their parents' divorce? Do people think that this is something that should be discussed with kids? provided they are old enough to understand a conversation like that...
Just an edit to say, I know this is a bit off topic, but as the WAY grown up kid of divorce, the only ill effect that I'm aware of in myself is that I thought it was all my fault; on a subconscious level of course. Any other "kids" of divorce feel this? Anyone ever see it in kids of divorce?
I think it is a very common reaction for children to believe they are the cause of their parents divorce.
There are books you can read even with young children that will help nowadays.
It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky
There are lots of children from divorced families, who grow up normal, well adjusted, and have few mental or emotional issues. It is better to grow up in a broken home, than live in a completely dysfunctional one for your entire childhood.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
There are lots of children from divorced families, who grow up normal, well adjusted, and have few mental or emotional issues. It is better to grow up in a broken home, than live in a completely dysfunctional one for your entire childhood.
Amen to that j12. Who started the LIE that it is better for the parents to stay for the children. This only teaches the child that what is going on in the home is "normal" in their mind but is really dysfunctional. Then they marry someone with a lot of emotional and learned issues from the parents.. taking the same crap into their own marriages. And the next generation carries that to the next generation; getting progressively worst each generation.
As a child of divorce, I think the most important thing is to put the child's need for stability and love for both parents first. I love my mother to death, but one thing I think she handled poorly was the fact she often talked bad about my dad a lot and her issues she had with him. It was clear she hadn't forgiven my dad for a lot of the stuff he did in their relationship. He did some bad stuff but the fact remained that he was on living his life and she was still stuck on the pain from the relationship. My dad (rest his soul) rarely if ever downtalked my mom. He even helped out when my mom was having trouble in her marriage to another guy. It was clear to me that he was on living his life and didnt let the feelings of the failed relationship get in the way of what I needed.
That is the best advice I can give, do NOT downtalk the other parent in the presence of your child. Your ex is your child's other parent, remember that.
This is the most important thing to remember when parents divorce.
My daughter is 20, and we split when she was 8. My daughter has thanked me several times for getting that divorce, and says all she remembers of the time when we were still married was the two of us fighting. Her father is an alcoholic who was also heavily using prescription and non-prescription drugs at the time I threw him out. He had not held a job in several years. Now he still drinks too much, but was able to pull himself together sufficiently to get a good job and provide a place for her to go when she stays with him. It took him about five years to get there.
I made sure she learned early on what addiction is and to not to take her father's preference for alcohol over his preference for her personally.
In spite of his muddled brain and his initial anger at having his free-ride life ruined, as the divorce proceeded, he agreed that we should put our daughter's needs of our own, and we worked out the visitation and other issues ourselves without court intervention. The only issue I had was that he rarely paid child support, but if my daughter asked him to take her shopping for school clothes and other necessary items, he would do that. Since it was a financial advantage to just not have to support him anymore, I could live with that.
Don't get me wrong--the parenting relationship was not easy in the beginning, but you absolutely have to have that conversation and agreement with each other as early as possible when there is a divorce. Over time it did get easier. We attended all her school things together over the years, took her to college together, and last week we drove together to the airport to see her off to Asia where she is studying abroad, and then we had lunch together afterward. The key is that the parents have to act like mature adults for the child's sake, despite the anger they may feel toward each other. Divorcing my daughter's father was probably one of the best things I ever did for her. Maintaining a civil relationship afterward was the next best.
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ever notice how when a kid starts screaming, that sometimes the parent will ignore them and subject everyone else to it? And when someone dares tell them to quiet their kids then the parent starts getting angry at them and says "don't tell me how to parent!!" ?
