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She needs to learn to play for the fun of it, not just to win and have her way every time. Team sports ivolvement, playing as a team...may help. Her reward from you is praise for good effort and even wins sometimes.
Perhaps allowing her to help a younger cousin with a game and letting the cousin win so that she can see what it feels like to lose and help someone other than herself at the same time. This way she can save face when she loses and learn to enjoy the acclomplishments of others.
1) like what? What is she taking and from whom? If not from other people's houses or stores, I don't really think it is "stealing."
2) what kid does?
I don't think that it's legally stealing yet, but I can understand why OP is worried about this pattern of behavior. Even if it's not to the point of a store or a friend's house, the fact that she's taking something at the doctor's office (out in public) rather than swiping something at home from her sister's room, seems like an escalation. If the rule at the doctor's office is one piece of (whatever), then for her to take two is, I suppose, stealing. I don't think it matters whether that's a parental rule or the doctor's rule. Plus, I think the daughter understands what she's doing is wrong, or she wouldn't be hiding it in the first place.
OP, I would require her to give back the stolen item, apologize for it to the person it was taken from and then assign a consequence at home, perhaps an extra chore she has to do. I would also sit down with her and explain the consequences of stealing. Kids this age have a notoriously hard time with thinking through the consequences of their actions. That's not going to fully connect until she's an adult. You might be able to help by talking about that icky guilty feeling she gets in her tummy when she's in trouble or her heart beating faster when she knows there's something wrong. Sometimes connecting that physical response can help.
one, do you let her have candy at home? If she wants candy, and you never let her have any...then her only alternative is to steal it, and hide this activity from you.
What actions have you done to create this problem? Do you give her an allowance of spending money, that she can buy her own little, independent purchases? Or does she have to beg you for anything and everything that she would like, and then you decide if she can have it? Hmm... think about it...
one, do you let her have candy at home? If she wants candy, and you never let her have any...then her only alternative is to steal it, and hide this activity from you.
What actions have you done to create this problem? Do you give her an allowance of spending money, that she can buy her own little, independent purchases? Or does she have to beg you for anything and everything that she would like, and then you decide if she can have it? Hmm... think about it...
We had many incidents with our daughter starting from about the 1st grade all the way to 4th grade. She also was having troubles telling the truth on many occasions. We spent some time at a therapist's offce (she also had some other school issues). We also talked to her quite extensively about things. I even gave her a lecture about women's prisons. My daughter is an Russian adoptee (a bit older when she came to us). I think it is a control issue. And yes, we have had some epic power struggles too!!!
Happily as she has matured, we are seeing less and less of this behavior. She is now understanding consequences a lot more. For example, she has behaved very immaturely in school, has gone out of her way to annoy the other kids, etc. Over the years, it has added up to where many kids can't stand to be around her. A few incidents in school has been the wake up call for her where she has realized the consequences of her behavior. Towards the last few months of this school year, her behavior has transformed and she is much better at impulse control and getting along with kids. In Middle School, she has vowed to turn over a new leaf and we are hoping that the lessons from Elementary School have sunk in. Believe me, it has been a rocky road but things do seem to be improving. I know that this is slightly off topic from stealing but just wanted to illustrate that with time and maturity, things have improved.
Some other great suggestions on this thread. I liked the story about the fishing pole. What a great way to illustrate a point. I may try something like that if we get into other incidents.
Thanks all for all of the suggestions! What a wonderful can of worms I opened here!
No, I'm not a control freak (not totally!). Just a new mom with two adopted girls, 10 and 8. THey've been with us for 1.5 years now. Yes, they get candy and deserts and sometimes, gasp, soda. Not everyday, but it's there!
The rewards are above and beyond our regular life stuff. Yes, candy is in there, as is desert, toys, etc. We moved to this system as the youngest is terribly defiant and conflict was becoming the norm in our house.
As for the doctor, it's their therapist. The treats are a reward for a good session (toy, chips, or a candy). Our daughter asked if she could have chips, I said yes, but she had palmed the candy. Unfortunately, had she asked, I would have said yes to the candy cuz we were heading home and the sugar rush wouldn't have disrupted her school!
I agree about not using food as reward or punishment. If you study eating disorders, it is usually about control and love.
Also I disagree with the poster who mentioned extra chores as punishment. I firmly believe chores should be taught as part of responsibility to family and a part of every day life. We all have chores of one kind or another and to assign negative feelings about chores can definitely backfire.
I too have adopted children but we were able to bring them home as infants. Adopting older children can be very challenging as you are finding out. I'm sure you have read some of the many volumes about adopting older children. Kudos to you for this. Surely you know this issue of "stealing" can very well be linked to adoption adjustments and does not fall within the usual parenting problems. I also don't think this is stealing. She's a kid but if you measure out sweets as a reward, she is trying to reward herself.
I am one of those parents who use food as a reward. Going out for ice cream, making cookies and brownies, are usually reserved for a job well done or a special occasion. Easter, Halloween, and other occasions when she gets a whole bucketful of candy, I put it away and distribute one or two after daycare. If I just let her eat candy and junk at her own free will, that's all she would ever eat. And so far, I don't see a eating disorder in the making. She understands the difference between healthy food and junk food, and that she can't eat too much junk. I think having healthy, normal restrictions on junk intake, without excluding it all together or making a huge deal about it, shouldn't cause problems.
However, since you are dealing with an adopted child who has just been with you 1 1/2 years, there could be underlying issues. It's kind of hard for me to comment or advise without knowing her background, what kind of life she had before, what kind of family. It could be deviant "stealing" habits developing, or it could be some kind of survival mechanism--hiding, stealing, or hoarding food can be indicative of some kind of food deprivation or restriction. Or it could be just regular kid stuff--trying to see what she can get away with. I think most kids do that. Whatever it is, good luck to you.
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Going out for ice cream, making cookies and brownies, are usually reserved for a job well done or a special occasion. Easter, Halloween, and other occasions when she gets a whole bucketful of candy, I put it away and distribute one or two after daycare. If I just let her eat candy and junk at her own free will, that's all she would ever eat. And so far, I don't see a eating disorder in the making. She understands the difference between healthy food and junk food, and that she can't eat too much junk. I think having healthy, normal restrictions on junk intake, without excluding it all together or making a huge deal about it, shouldn't cause problems.
