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Well. Its my step child. I took over as dad when he just turned 2 years old he is now 4. His dad died when he was 1 and a half. I came into fatherhood with a 2 year old boy looking for a father figure in his life. It wasnt a hard thing to do because It just felt right. By the way I was 23, and I am now 25.
I dated his mom for a while before we moved in together and when we finally moved in together I was asked to take over the disipline. I didnt spank him then. It was a good six months later i started seeing temper flares like throwing his books and toys when he was sent to his room. I spanked him then. I spanked him on three occasions and he finally quit throwing things when he go mad. Time has gone on and we have since gotten married and he is now 4 years old. He has no respect for any women in his life. Mom, grandma, grammy or nanna. Grandma is the real dads mom. He refuses to listen to any woman, mainly because none of the women spank him. His mom spanks him but he doesnt even cry. But if i am around he is an angel, he listens to mom the whole nine yards, except grammy, nanna and grandma.
I told that story to say this. I am the ONLY person in his life that does an old school whippin. Why? I have tried taking things away, putting him in the corner, picking up sticks in the yard. I have looked for other things to do instead of spanking. But spanking gets the best results. I also to lectures after the spankings to let him know why he got it and how to avoid it.
The only problem i have run into is that being the only one that spanks him, he does get bruises, and the finger is pointed at me and everyone makes me feel bad. Ok, i know leaving bruises is not right at all, and i feel terrible when i see them. I dont know what else to do. Im not spanking him out of anger or anything of that sort. He is 4 years old but he is very very smart. He knows some spanish and can spell his name in sign language and I was told by his school he needed to be tested for the gifted program for kindergarden. The kid is advanced and far ahead anyone in his class and his baseball team. He knows how to listen and he knows the consiquences. What do i do?
YOU DO NOT SPANK THIS KID OR ANY KID. I'm too mad right now to go further but there are endless threads about spanking. Use the archives.
You are going about this all wrong. he does not respect you because you spank. he fears you. You are so very very wrong. And to the point of bruises? On my lord this child is abused and you seem to think you are being a great dad. I'm going to be sick.
You might benefit from learning about 1) normal childhood development and behavior, and 2) what corporal punishment (or in this case CHILD ABUSE) is *really* about (yes, as no kudzu said, it's about fear, and there are many negative affects that will come out of it in the long term).
This child's world has been turned upside down by the loss of his father at an early age, and now you are there ABUSING him. If you are truly willing to be a DAD, I implore you to do some learning. Take a parenting class. Read books. The No Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is good.
You do realize that spanking to the point of leaving marks IS considered child abuse and you could be charged? As previous poster said, this child does not respect you he fears you, that is why he listens to you. I can't believe his Mom just turned the discipline over and checked out, that is probably why he doesn't respect her. If I were 2 and this guy came into our life and then started spanking me and my Mom did nothing about it I wouldn't respect her either. This is painting a really negative picture in this little guys mind of women and men. Women check out and men hit. I think you both should go to some parenting classes to get a better idea of how children can be disciplined in a positive way.
I'm not against spanking but when it's to the point of leaving bruises, yes, that's too harsh. All it's going to take is your son to start school and those bruises show up and you will no longer have your son.
OP I would suggest as a family you talk to someone. Either seek out family counseling, or speak to your pastor, or someone at preschool, or your pediatrician. If you and your wife do not know how to discipline apart from (pretty severe) spankings, your step-son's behavior is going to deteriorate rather than improve. I commend you for taking on the role of father for this boy, but that means you must step up, and do the right thing by him. Forcing him into submission by any means necessary is not parenting. Spanking achieves nothing, and is the easy way out. Setting boundaries, and figuring out approprate rewards and punishments takes time, but reaps far greater rewards.
I will admit that I swatted my child's bottom once. She was 2 and had a complete meltdown temper tantrum. Unfortunately, this happened in a very busy parking lot. She was trying to throw herself down in front of cars, trying to run off, etc. I got her out of the traffic lanes and to the side, but she was pulling and thrashing so hard that I had to sit on the ground in a parking space and wrap my arms and legs around her to keep her from running off into traffic. I couldn't pick her up because she just kept turning her body into jello (I am sure most of you know what I am talking about). At this point, I was very afraid she was going to slip out of my grip and get hit by a car. I smacked her on the bottom one time just to try to snap her out of her meltdown. Thankfully it worked.
That was her worst tantrum and it happened to have happened in a very dangerous place. I did it out of fear for her safety, not as a discipline. I know some people won't agree with what I did, but it seemed like the only option at the time. I was terrified. Now that I have told my story, I would like to say that I don't believe in spanking as a punishment. If the spanking is so hard it leaves bruises, that is no longer spanking, it is beating.
The other thing I wanted to touch on was his disrespect for women. He will learn how to treat women by watching the men in his life. He will treat women the same way he sees you or any other male figures in his life treat women. You may think that you treat women well, but watch your actions very carefully and you may see the same actions that you are seeing in your step-son.
I'm not against spanking but when it's to the point of leaving bruises, yes, that's too harsh. All it's going to take is your son to start school and those bruises show up and you will no longer have your son.
this points out the issue of defining the term being used.
(a common theme in many threads and discussions)
Quote:
Originally Posted by wiki
Spanking is a form of corporal punishment .... with either an open hand or an implement, to cause temporary pain without producing physical injury.
When my kids were little we would give them an occasional "swat" that we called a "noisemaker" to focus their attention... but I doubt more than ten times in all.
noisemaker: a cupped palm and mild arm speed onto a thigh etc.
It makes a gawd-awful noise which will sort of shock the kid a bit and creates a moment when you can redirect their attention to the bigger issues... but it makes no pain at all let alone a mark.
I agree with the others. He doesn't respect you, he fears you. Seek help.
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