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I had to face this kind of issue. When MissFR was 3 months old, a little strawberry birthmark started appearing over her left eyebrow on her forehead. It looked like the Hawaiian Island chain. We thought, oh that's unusual, but she'll be ok.
It grew a bit bigger. Then a large bruise like lump appeared underneath. We got a little alarmed and asked her pedi what was going on. She said she had a compound Hermangioma, that it would grow until she was about a year old, that it would start to "involute" (go away) by the time she was 9, and it was completely benign and not to stress over it.
Well that was all fine and dandy, but as it grew and grew, it started looking like she'd run into a wall or something. She was a really cute baby (even if I do say so myself) but all anybody would notice was the lump on her forehead. Absolutely everybody would say "oh no, did the baby fall?", "what happened to the baby?" and one lovely lady actually said "My God, what did you do to that baby?".
I found as many floppy hats as possible to try and disguise it, because I was sick of explaining what it was. Finally I just started saying "it's a tumor" and that would shut people up.
So I found the premiere Hemangioma specialist at the pediatric plastic surgery dept at CHLA and took her to see him. There was a waiting room full of kids with severe facial deformities and I felt like her issues were insignificant in comparison. He didn't think so. He said the social development of the child is extremely important and they will suffer if left to live with it. He recommended they remove it, even though her pediatrician disagreed. It took an hour of surgery but they got it out and left a tiny scar, which is nothing compared to what was there. She was only 8 months old, and the surgery experience was heart wrenching, to say the least.
But I'm really glad we had it done. To have her first interaction with new people always be about her facial deformity would have been horrendous for her. I don't know what it would have done to her self esteem. You can't control other people's reactions, and it was always apparent, even if they tried to hide it.
It is completely unnecessary to make a kid go through that because you have some idea that it will strengthen their character. It might, but it might not. Why have a miserable childhood if you don't have to?
Thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us. I'm sure I would have done the same thing.
You bring up an excellent point that it's not just the bullies at school who pick on a child with unfortunate anatomy, but in ways large and small everyone does. Looks, whispers, unkind remarks, kind remarks, persistent comments from well-meaning family, etc.
I went to school with a girl who had a terrible facial deformity, she was never picked for teams or projects, she was excluded from most parties, she was a total outsider. I don't ever recall ongoing bullying, but certainly there were comments here and there. I don't know how the parents or school could have actually done anything about it, there was nothing specific being done to her, but I can't in my wildest dreams imagine she would look back fondly on those years as a character building experience.
You know, I was bullied quite a bit but I certainly wouldn't describe my entire childhood as "miserable".
Well here's a shock - I wasn't referring to you, specifically.
I had a long involved discussion with the plastic surgeon about it, and we got to know the nurses in the dept pretty well, as we had several appointments leading up to the surgery.
The kids in the waiting room would just break your heart. I had to hold back tears every time I went and would let them out in the car. It's awful. I talked to the nurse about the constant comments and she said it never stops. They take their patients (who are often from other countries) to Disneyland and stuff to try and give them some relief and she said the behavior of other people toward the kids is often downright appalling. Still. In this day and age of supposed political correctness.
Human nature is human nature. People are scared and suspicious of other people's defects. I don't even think outright bullying is the issue. That probably happens less than the subtle wearing away of the child's reason for being. If the first thing people notice is that something's wrong with you cosmetically, they often can't get past it.
I think as a whole, society is actually far more accepting of disabilities than it is of cosmetic defects. Being in a wheelchair people understand, having something that makes you ugly they do not. Sorry to be blunt. It's my interpretation based on what I've seen.
Well, it's been an interesting conversation but I'll bow out now. I know when I've been beat and this is one of those times. Not that I have changed my perspective, but I understand that not everyone feels the same way as I do about this issue.
I have read all the responses and find it puzzling that people would not correct a correctable issue when it come to their kids.
I would not explain to my kids that I am correcting an issue they have because of bullying. That I think sends the wrong message. However I would correct an issue for their own well being. I have known many people who have some sort of issue with their teech/ears/mouth etc... that had expressed they wished their parents would have had it fixed earlier in life.
My kids have and will have braces. My son has had elective surgery to take care of an issue that normally goes away after birth but in his case it didn't. My daughter had treatment for a lazy eye. I could as a parent just ignore these things but why would I? That seems pretty silly to me.
The term "plastic surgery" has been thrown around here way to much and is too broad and old of a term to debate.
So I found the premiere Hemangioma specialist at the pediatric plastic surgery dept at CHLA and took her to see him. There was a waiting room full of kids with severe facial deformities and I felt like her issues were insignificant in comparison. He didn't think so. He said the social development of the child is extremely important and they will suffer if left to live with it. He recommended they remove it, even though her pediatrician disagreed. It took an hour of surgery but they got it out and left a tiny scar, which is nothing compared to what was there. She was only 8 months old, and the surgery experience was heart wrenching, to say the least.
Sweet Lord, Finster I know exactly where you were! Yes! Those doctors (God bless each of them) see kids suffering because of society's reactions ever single day. I am so glad you found your way to them.
Yes, these children are taken to Disneyland for a day of fun. I used to see them. And I would see the reactions of some adults (never mind kids) to the point I wanted to -- well, I won't go into what I wanted to do to those unfeeling, obnoxious people but it involved the Rivers of America.
We delt with a birth defect in our family the details of which I shall not go into on the internet. (Doctor wasn't at CH.) Thankfully, it made us stronger. There were days it threatened to kill us. God bless those surgeons. Once we found "the" one it was like manna from heaven.
I can understand that, in a perfect world, you would want to teach your child to love herself the way she is and that real beauty is on the inside. We do not live in a perfect world. Far from it.
The problem arises when people start believing that plastic surgery will fix all their problems and it doesn't and/or they never feel good about themselves no matter how much they get.
I can understand that, in a perfect world, you would want to teach your child to love herself the way she is and that real beauty is on the inside. We do not live in a perfect world. Far from it.
No, you can teach your child good values and that there are things far more important than looks even in an imperfect world.
It almost seems as if people are discussing 2 completely different scenarios here. I was not under the impression we were talking about purely elective plastic surgery ala Heidi Montag, but rather significant blemishes or abnormalities. Completely different.
No, you can teach your child good values and that there are things far more important than looks even in an imperfect world.
yes, you can attempt to teach your child that, and she will still be self-conscious and people will still make fun of her.
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