Another Bullying Problem--Help! (children, school, mother, adult)

[buddy5]

Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom

Have you tried just calling the other boy's parents and talking to them about the situation? It doesn't sound like the school is keeping them informed.

If your son won't fight back, call his folks, maybe meet them at a restaurant.

They may not be aware of the whole situation. They can effect more change on the child than anyone else. If they are Christians they should listen, and work with you.

[standupandbecounted]

What more is bullying than taking control? It's wrong to teach a child to not hit back. Kids do not have to be controlled by other kids who have no authority and kids need to know it's their job, that if they are hit, to hit back harder.

It sounds like the OP has bravely talked to everyone but who she should be talking to; the parents. It sounds like you, the OP, are afraid of confrontation and that has been learned by your son. Why be afraid to confront the parents? Too close to the problem?

First, I would make damn sure my child fights back when attacked.
Second, I would never hesitate to take it to the parent. They have ultimate authority over the child and are in the best position to do something.
Third, I would get in that kid's face and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that my child will beat the crap out of him if he were to touch my child again, and I would be there to make sure it happened, and I would say it to him in front of his parents.

If kids can't take care of the problem, the parent needs to, but for pete's sake, take it to the parent, not the school. The school should know, but they will try harder if they know you are taking that authority away from them and taking care of it yourself. Schools don't like to relinquish that control.

Ultimately, the child should stop the bully in any way he can. ALL kids, not just boys, should know it's ok to protect themselves. They should also know, that no matter what they have to do to stop it, they will be supported at home. They should also know that no matter what the school does, or says, isn't important in the bigger scheme of things. Schools threaten things, just like bullies do, to maintain that same control.

So what if an incident went on the child's record. Request to see the records and if anything at all is recorded, insist it be accurate. If the child has to be put in time out or anything else, they should accept the punishment with dignity, knowing it matters not in the long run.

When a parent gets involved with their child being bullied, it should be only after the child has wiped the floor with the bully.

[Kibbiekat]

Just for comparison, this is my recent experience with my 7 year old at his public school.

A boy his age but a grade ahead has been verbally picking on him for almost 2 years. It didn't seem frequent enough or serious enough for me to intervene. Last week on the bus the other kid hit my son on the knee and hit his friend in the head. The mom of the friend talked to the bus driver about it. The bus driver told someone at the school. I called and talked to the principal this morning. The principal called my son and the bully in and talked to them both. He apologized to my son verbally and in writing. The principal will be calling his parents and getting on the bus this afternoon to make sure the bus driver is following through with the punishment of sitting at the front of the bus for a week. I'm satisfied with how it is being dealt with.

[sskkc]

When my daughter was being bullied, I did not know the parents of her bully. I did not have access to their phone number and they had a common last name. No one else seemed to know his parents and bullies have rights - more so than their victims. I was told that the parents had no interest in talking to me.

My daughter was 'sneak attacked' - knocked down to the ground, quickly hit (and hard) and then he'd run off - while various staff members tried to catch him. She was 7, he was 8. She weighed 20 lbs less than this vicious monster. Several of the posters here on this board also insisted that my child needed to 'fight back' - because they just don't get it. I am sure that if someone attacked their child, their child would then push their way through the staff, bleeding from the head and seek their revenge. Of course they would. It's my opinion that the parents who express opinions like that on this board are the parents of the bullies.

I was assured the teachers/staff who witnessed these events 'loved her' and were doing everything they could to protect her. rkb ~Don't believe the administrators or teachers who claim they are handling it - most school districts have a 'no tolerance' bully policy, officially. The administrators do not report it or really write it down in order to protect their school standings. If you didn't sign some type of incident report, with the principal's signature on it and weren't given a copy of the report, it wasn't reported. Start your own paper trail - using email or the postal system. Make sure to cc at least one level above the person you are writing to - and let them know that the purpose of your letter is to make sure there IS a paper trail, in case the incidents continue or escalate. Because if it does escalate, and you didn't follow up to ensure there was a paper trail - it will be put on YOU for not being proactive.

[calgirlinnc]

Originally Posted by standupandbecounted

It sounds like the OP has bravely talked to everyone but who she should be talking to; the parents. It sounds like you, the OP, are afraid of confrontation and that has been learned by your son. Why be afraid to confront the parents? Too close to the problem?

First, I would make damn sure my child fights back when attacked.
Second, I would never hesitate to take it to the parent. They have ultimate authority over the child and are in the best position to do something.
Third, I would get in that kid's face and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that my child will beat the crap out of him if he were to touch my child again, and I would be there to make sure it happened, and I would say it to him in front of his parents.

If kids can't take care of the problem, the parent needs to, but for pete's sake, take it to the parent, not the school. The school should know, but they will try harder if they know you are taking that authority away from them and taking care of it yourself. Schools don't like to relinquish that control.

Ultimately, the child should stop the bully in any way he can. ALL kids, not just boys, should know it's ok to protect themselves. They should also know, that no matter what they have to do to stop it, they will be supported at home. They should also know that no matter what the school does, or says, isn't important in the bigger scheme of things. Schools threaten things, just like bullies do, to maintain that same control.

Did you even read my posts?

I have made it clear, repeatedly, to my son, that he should not tolerate any crap from this kid. I have told him, repeatedly, that he should defend himself, deck the kid, pound him into the ground, and that we will support him and he will not get into trouble from us.

Ever heard of the expression "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink"?

And actually, I am not afraid of confrontation, but I am sending a legal notice to the parents. It will be more effective than going up to the mom and threatening her or her kid.

[calgirlinnc]

Originally Posted by sskkc

I was assured the teachers/staff who witnessed these events 'loved her' and were doing everything they could to protect her. rkb ~Don't believe the administrators or teachers who claim they are handling it - most school districts have a 'no tolerance' bully policy, officially. The administrators do not report it or really write it down in order to protect their school standings. If you didn't sign some type of incident report, with the principal's signature on it and weren't given a copy of the report, it wasn't reported. Start your own paper trail - using email or the postal system. Make sure to cc at least one level above the person you are writing to - and let them know that the purpose of your letter is to make sure there IS a paper trail, in case the incidents continue or escalate. Because if it does escalate, and you didn't follow up to ensure there was a paper trail - it will be put on YOU for not being proactive.

A very good point, thank you.

The Dean was supposed to call me today after talking to the teachers involved.

It should surprise no one that she did not.

[calgirlinnc]

So when we get to karate today, Boy #1 told me that Boy #2 wrote something mean about my son today.

Unfortunately, this is just hearsay, so I cannot include it in my report.

After karate, the sensei sat the boys down and let my son tell his side of the story first. The boy who hit him claimed this was all lies. (Which is stupid considering the sensei knows that a teacher verified it).

When the sensei asked him if he had a reason, the boy repeatedly said no, he had no reason for hitting my son. The sensei gave him ample time to explain himself, but the boy could not.

The sensei then said hitting is wrong, blah blah blah, and if you do something like this again I will not teach you anymore.

The boy's mother was there the whole time.


I was seething at her and I wanted to go up to her and tell her in no uncertain terms that if her kid touches mine again I will sue the pants off her.

But I did not. I did not think it would help the situation. I am relying on the legal notice instead.

But I regret that I did not tell her off. I really wanted to.

If I were her, I would have apologized. What a you-know-what.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by calgirlinnc

So when we get to karate today, Boy #1 told me that Boy #2 wrote something mean about my son today.

Unfortunately, this is just hearsay, so I cannot include it in my report.

After karate, the sensei sat the boys down and let my son tell his side of the story first. The boy who hit him claimed this was all lies. (Which is stupid considering the sensei knows that a teacher verified it).

When the sensei asked him if he had a reason, the boy repeatedly said no, he had no reason for hitting my son. The sensei gave him ample time to explain himself, but the boy could not.

The sensei then said hitting is wrong, blah blah blah, and if you do something like this again I will not teach you anymore.

Calgirl you may have just gotten handed a gift on a platter. The sensei. How well do you know him? All of the blah blah blah may have been what the bully needed to hear. (He obviously isn't getting any wisdom from his parents.)

Any chance the sensei will carry through with this and really tell Bully he will stop teaching him? Can you talk to the sensei and see what else he advises? I'm sure he sees this all the time and I'm impressed he sat the boys down.

I've been thinking about this and don't have any other wisdom for you. Your son is a Pacifist. The good news is that he'll probably grow up to win the Nobel and the admiration of a grateful world. I know you want your son to just bust this other kid but some kids just aren't wired that way. Get him through this and I think you're going to be astounded by him when he grows up. He's got the makings of a peacemaker.

[calgirlinnc]

Originally Posted by DewDropInn

I've been thinking about this and don't have any other wisdom for you. Your son is a Pacifist. The good news is that he'll probably grow up to win the Nobel and the admiration of a grateful world. I know you want your son to just bust this other kid but some kids just aren't wired that way. Get him through this and I think you're going to be astounded by him when he grows up. He's got the makings of a peacemaker.

((((Dew))))

I always say my son is going to:
1) find the cure for cancer
2) become President or
3) play a doctor or The President in the movies (he looks like a mini Brad Pitt)

Love ya, Dew

[lucknow]

You have to be careful when advising a kid to use violence back against people harrassing them.
My dad was a really tough guy. He played hockey and was a real enforcer. Just loved to fight.When I was a young kid he told me that I had permission from him to defend myself from physical attack anyway I wanted to. Well, one day I was out chopping ice off the front sidewalk when the biggest meanest bully of a kid in the whole neighbourhood came by. This kid had beaten up just about every other kid around. I was about 9 and he was 13. He started up with me and gave me a couple of punches. I warned him he had better look out but he just ignored me and kept on going at me. He didn't even have enough time to act surprised or shocked when I took a major league two handed swing and buried that ice chopper about an inch into the top of his skull. I calmly walked into the house and told my dad that the bully who had been beating up all the kids in the neighbourhood was laying out on our sidewalk, Dead. My dads went flying out there and the blood was just flowing out of this kid but he wasn't dead thankfully. After the ambulance and the cops left dad explained to me that there are some limits to defending ones self and I had gone over the mark for sure. That was the end of the whole episode and we never heard from the cops or the kid's family or anything again. For the entire rest of my life in my downtown Toronto neighbourhood nobody ever harrassed me again. That episode branded me with a reputation as someone who should not be fooled with and even the worst of the neighbourhood toughs just left me alone.