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We played the "spouse is busy" game a few times and went alone to our families' homes. Eventually, we settled on this one....too tired of playing games and tired of being stressed on the holidays.
I never played the "spouse is busy/sick" game. Although my husband does to visit his family without me, his family is very aware of why I don't join him. I've made it very clear.
The ONLY people who did not know the real reason I didn't attend were my children. THE CHILDREN were the ones who were told I wasn't feeling well. My relatives knew darn well I felt just fine. The reason I protected the children was because the children were the CORE reason I had issues with them. I didn't want to hurt the children's feelings by sharing the conflict I had with my inlaws about them. They adored their aunts and uncles. It would have severely emotionally harmed my children to know the reason I was not attending.
You know what, we're not stressed out on the holidays. I don't mind my husband visiting his family. I think it's awesome he has a great relationship with them. I think it's awesome that he respects that I don't want to be around them.
Apparently my father said/did something that my aunts didn't like. Creating years of truly heartbreaking memories. The irony is that I now realize that my aunts fall into the overly controlling category.
Senseless foolishness and damaging to all concerned.
I didn't set foot in my mil's house for six years after my second daughter was born because of how horrible she was to us (long story). This was all after years of insults, undermining, snooping, telling lies about me to the family. We let all of that slide in the interest of keeping the peace, but then one day at a family holiday party, she said something to me that was pretty unforgivable. I told my husband that he needed to get on my side or he needed to find a lawyer.
We let her know where we stood, and we stood there until she apologized six years later. She's still the same meddling, judgmental, gossipy, miserable human being she was before, but now she knows that she can't get away with it. All of the women in my husband's family are pretty hateful to other women. After years of trying to be accepted, now I just shrug and live my life. I have a Christmas Eve open house every year and whoever shows, shows. The funny thing is that now that I've stopped trying to be who they want me to be, they all usually come to Christmas Eve, and we have a nice visit.
OP, I say set the boundaries now and be done with it. There's no way you get out of this situation without some discomfort, but these incidents will pile on, and it will affect your marriage. Your husband should put you before all others, including his mother.
Wow, I have a couple of issues here. The first is your MIL making comments like that to your child. I haven't read all of the posts here, but I have another HUGE issue here and that is your child's disrespect. Wow, I can't even fathom my mother or MIL asking or telling my child to help dry dishes, while at her house......and having my child refuse. OMG.....my children would NEVER be so disrespectful, not to their grandparents or anyone else whose home they were at. It would never cross my children's mind to refuse. My kids are not perfect, but they do have impeccable manners and respect for their elders.
As for whether or not to speak to your MIL, yeah, I would most certainly do so. I would ask her to please find other words to voice her disapproval of my child's action. However, while I was having that discussion with her, I would offer up my heart-felt apology to her for my child's disrespectful behavior! I wouldn't stop there, I would find some chores at grandma's house for my disrespectful child to do, AFTER they apologized to her!
It's not that she refused to do the dishes. It was while she was doing the dishes that she said she didn't want to do them. I taught her to always help grandma and be appreciative of their time together. I didn't like her ill manners with grandma and did have her practice doing chores around the house without complaining. After the third chore, I think she got the message.
I think my kid was frustrated with grandma. Every time she goes there, grandma has a list of stuff for her to do (cooking, dishes, sewing, prayers) that she doesn't like to do. All my kid wants to do is play with grandma and have fun. I never had a grandma growing up, so I don't know what their relationship should be like.
SadDad and everyone else with in-law problems...it breaks my heart to hear so much conflict going on. Why does blending families have to be such a struggle?
SadDad and everyone else with in-law problems...it breaks my heart to hear so much conflict going on. Why does blending families have to be such a struggle?
I can't speak for anyone else, but my inlaws have a weird thing about blood relatives. My children are not blood related to my husband, even though he has been their father since they were very little. They treat my children differently than the neices and nephews who are blood related. They grew up treating their adopted cousins differently too becuase they grew up hearing their parents (my husband's parents) saying things like "Oh, well, he's different because he's adopted." and crap like that. My husband's aunt told him that it broke her heart they treated her adopted children differently. She told him this because she knew what was going on with how they acted about our children. Anyways, they behave when I'm not around. It's like they do it to hurt my feelings. They treat the children fine. That's why I've never kept the children from him. The children adore them.
SadDad and everyone else with in-law problems...it breaks my heart to hear so much conflict going on. Why does blending families have to be such a struggle?
The problems I was talking about were my mom vs. my dad and his family, not my in-laws. They're a completely different level of dysfunction (believe it or not).
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