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What's Grandma's tone of voice when she says these things? Are they colloquialisms that she uses because of her age/race/ethnicity/regionalism? Or is she yelling at the child and telling him he comes from evil? Big difference.
Do your "other confrontations" run along the lines of things she says or does she just plain-old get on your last nerve in general?
this is exactly what I thought. I grew up in Jersey City, NJ. When we'd visit my dad's family in rural southern Illinois my aunt would say things and I had no idea what she was talking about. I asked for a soda, she said "what kind of pop do you want" and I thought she was going to hit me.
From the sounds of it this is a translational issue more than anything else. If she were truely Sybil's mom the child wouldn't want to go there.
Sometimes I wish I could, but hubby thinks his mom is harmless and needs to spend time with her grandkid. I tried inviting her over to my house to visit, but she insists on me dropping the kid off at her house. Other than these oddball remarks she makes, my kid enjoys (for the most part) spending time with grandma.
In all liklihood these "oddball" words / phrases were said when your husband was a child.
A lot of grandparents like for the grandchildren to visit for a lot of logistical reasons. Mine did. They were older and had various, shall we say, bathroom needs making visiting somewhat uncomfortable for them on bad days.
Part of being a GP is showing off your grandchildren (and giving them candy). Mine did it all the time. It makes them feel like grandparents. You can't show off your grandkids if they never come over.
You should feel lucky that there is a relationship. Having GPs taht are not involved or where the child does not want to spend time is much worse. Just ask my daughter about how she feels about her mom's parents.
My mother used a lot of Polish words. She'd regularly give an extra cookie to a grandchild and call him a swinia. (Pig.) It was always said with a lot of love and a chuckle. When my guys were old enough to ask what it meant I'd say "She's calling you a (little) pig because you like her cookies so much." Somehow between my lack of alarm, a simple explanation, and their love for grandma they knew it was an endearment. They use it on each other if they're out eating together and one grabs the last piece of pizza.
I think a whole lot else is going on between this MIL and DIL.
^^ I agree Dew Drop. It sounds to me like there is one big power struggle going on, and hubby is on the wrong side of it.
That really depends on who's starting the confrontations and for what reasons. You cannot cut out the family just because you want to. My mother did that with my dad's family. It was, and still is, horrible - and for no other reason then to prove loyality.
I think you can infer from the statement that your MIL thinks you're the devil.
Just kidding.
It really depends on the tone used with your child. If it was just an offhand remark, you can calmly and politely tell your MIL that your daughter is still at the age where she takes everything literally and the comment upset her and could she please consider that in the future. If she was angry and mean spirited when she said it, firmly tell her that you don't approve of name calling and that she needs to stop that kind of behavior.
My MIL is old school. When she's alone with my 6 year old, she says some odd things (IMHO). The latest is that she called my kid "the devil's child" when she didn't want to help out with the dish washing. My kid came to me and believes what grandma says is true. I told her that grandma didn't mean it, but my kid wasn't buying it. Should I have a talk with my MIL or let it go? I'm torn, since I'm so tired of confrontations with her.
Keep talking to your child.
My friend's family had quite a time with Grandmother and her ideas.
My own grandmother said a few things like that to me. It deeply affected me--too afraid to tell anyone and I believe rational adults should intervene. Years later I understood more about her but could have lived without this sort of memory of my grandmother.
The rest of the family seems to remember a very different person.
^^ I agree Dew Drop. It sounds to me like there is one big power struggle going on, and hubby is on the wrong side of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDad
That really depends on who's starting the confrontations and for what reasons. You cannot cut out the family just because you want to. My mother did that with my dad's family. It was, and still is, horrible - and for no other reason then to prove loyality.
It is a common problem with husbands, and sometimes wives, to side with parents over spouses. Spouses should side with their spouse, not their parents.
It's a shame you view your mother as the guilty party. It's very likely that her inlaws treated her terribly. If so, she had every right to expect her husband to be loyal to her and cut the apron strings.
Once married, the alliance is to the spouse. And it's possible to hold that alliance without cutting out the extended family by forming healthy boundaries.
I'm most intrigued to know how you are aware of the conflict between your mother and her inlaws. Does your father's side of the family say bad things about her to you?
I talked to my husband. He doesn't see a problem with what his mom said and isn't going to say anything to her. He just told our daughter to "stop being bad" at grandma's. Well then...
When someone mentioned if me and the MIL have been at odds before, yeah, it's been a long-time thing. She's a naturally overbearing person. (She even used to look through my drawers (even underwear) without asking during visits. Looking for the Catholic taboo of condoms, perhaps? )
She and I don't see religion eye-to-eye and it really irks her. She's all about heaven and hell and being fearful of God. I explained to her that in this day and age when children are exposed to so many choices, I want to keep a positive spin on religion. The way I see it, faith is supposed to be a source of comfort, not a worrisome thing to bear. I guess that's why I want to confront her on this "devil's child" matter. (Plus, she's said similar stuff in the past to my daughter and told me she wouldn't do it again.)
I think the best I can do right now is to keep the lines of communication open with my kids. If the MIL says something odd, at least they'll be apt to come to me and discuss it. I'll be the voice of reason.
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I told her that grandma didn't mean it, but my kid wasn't buying it. Should I have a talk with my MIL or let it go? I'm torn, since I'm so tired of confrontations with her.
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