Flying young adults home for holidays (BF, parent, girls, play)

[Bette]

Thanks for all your responses. So far, none of her friends are married and they all come home for a week at Thanksgiving and Christmas. When they are here, they go out and hang out just like they did in high school.

Deep down, I know she loves the tradition but I also know she is a 20-something girl in NYC living the life and loving it! I mean, she's doing what she wants and as far as her spending habits go, she's much better off at her age than where I was.

She has a great credit score and pays her bills immediately as soon as they arrive. She lives alone and has a 1 bedroom in Manhattan. She loves her job and is learning so that's good too.

Most of her friends and friends' parents are very well off and I know they do a lot more for their children than we do so I live with that guilt too.

So, I'm just going to continue doing it; people were asking me about it recently and I was second guessing myself - I DO want her here and I don't fly up to NYC on the weekend like a lot of her friends' moms do (I think I should "surprise" one weekend though - that's on for 2011. I adore her and I miss her so much but I admire her independence and if she's happy, then that helps me b/c isn't that what we want for our children anyway?

Again, thanks for all the replies.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Bette

I think I should "surprise" one weekend though - that's on for 2011.

It'd be nice if you go, but don't "surprise" her.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by sskkc

Even when I buy my own plane tickets for myself and/or my family (I'm late 30s) my dad always sends me a check to cover the plane fare, even when I know it's a stretch for him. If he didn't, I'd still love him. It's a nice perk though!

In my 20s, when he asked me to come, I let him know that I couldn't afford the ticket and that I'd come if he'd pay for it, but plane tickets weren't in my budget.

I supported myself fully, had a good job, nice apartment, decent car, etc - but that didn't leave a lot for extras. And I wanted to go out with my friends, buy new clothes, eat out, engage in my hobbies, etc. It wouldn't have "killed me" to buy a plane ticket, but I wouldn't have been buying any gifts that year either, had I been expected to.

If you want to keep paying for her tickets, then keep paying. If you want to but can't, let her know that too. You could offer up half as a compromise as well.

Thanks - to me, paying for Thanksgiving and Christmas is OK - I love her and I miss her and I think back to my 20's - well, it was different - I worked for my dad part time so I was always around. Family is VERY important to me and one day, she will carry on the tradition.

[STT Resident]

Originally Posted by Bette

Thanks for all your responses. So far, none of her friends are married and they all come home for a week at Thanksgiving and Christmas. When they are here, they go out and hang out just like they did in high school.

Deep down, I know she loves the tradition but I also know she is a 20-something girl in NYC living the life and loving it! I mean, she's doing what she wants and as far as her spending habits go, she's much better off at her age than where I was.

She has a great credit score and pays her bills immediately as soon as they arrive. She lives alone and has a 1 bedroom in Manhattan. She loves her job and is learning so that's good too.

Most of her friends and friends' parents are very well off and I know they do a lot more for their children than we do so I live with that guilt too.

So, I'm just going to continue doing it; people were asking me about it recently and I was second guessing myself - I DO want her here and I don't fly up to NYC on the weekend like a lot of her friends' moms do (I think I should "surprise" one weekend though - that's on for 2011. I adore her and I miss her so much but I admire her independence and if she's happy, then that helps me b/c isn't that what we want for our children anyway?
Again, thanks for all the replies.

Originally Posted by Bette

Thanks - to me, paying for Thanksgiving and Christmas is OK - I love her and I miss her and I think back to my 20's - well, it was different - I worked for my dad part time so I was always around. Family is VERY important to me and one day, she will carry on the tradition.

Ah, but you're feeling guilty. Exactly what I was trying to bring out.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

It'd be nice if you go, but don't "surprise" her.

There's enough to do in NYC - besides, I know all her friends - I would probably not stay with her - there's a great hotel right around the corner from her and I'm dying to get another massage there

Maybe, I'd give her a little hint - don't worry, in my family, there aren't many secrets - there's like 24 of us with all the nieces, nephews, cousins, aunt & uncles - word would get to her

In a lot of ways, she's like me and I understand that part of her

[Mattie]

Well I'm just tremendously impressed that you have a 20 something capable of living on her own in NYC.
That isn't easy, so you've raised a smart girl there. I have a good friend with a daughter who is working as a lawyer in Brooklyn, and even she needs some help from time to time.

But, I wonder, who wouldn't want to escape the frigid Northeast for some warm holiday destination?

[didee]

Just a thought. It seems too close to the holidays now to "change the tradition" and ask her to pay when the expectation has been set for so long. She might not be able to swing it with such short lead time, and that would result in everyone being unhappy.

But I think it would be fair to have this discussion after the holidays and set expectations for the future. With advance planning, airline tickets are not that expensive, so it would seem she could easily afford it next time the holidays come around if she budgeted during the year. When the time is right, you can have that "now that you're out on your own...." talk and figure out how to handle the travel expenses going forward.

[okpondlady]

Originally Posted by Bette

Thanks for all your responses. So far, none of her friends are married and they all come home for a week at Thanksgiving and Christmas. When they are here, they go out and hang out just like they did in high school.

- I DO want her here and I don't fly up to NYC on the weekend like a lot of her friends' moms do (I think I should "surprise" one weekend though - that's on for 2011. I adore her and I miss her so much but I admire her independence and if she's happy, then that helps me b/c isn't that what we want for our children anyway?

Again, thanks for all the replies.

Be careful with that "surprise" thing...sometimes the surprise ends up on you not on her... You might let her in on your plans unless you are prepared for anything.

My mom liked to "surprise" me too. That ended abruptly when she came in without knocking (I am sure you wouldn't do that) and woke me and my boyfriend up. Since I was 35 and divorced it shouldn't have made any difference...but we were ALL embarrassed.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by didee

Just a thought. It seems too close to the holidays now to "change the tradition" and ask her to pay when the expectation has been set for so long. She might not be able to swing it with such short lead time, and that would result in everyone being unhappy.

But I think it would be fair to have this discussion after the holidays and set expectations for the future. With advance planning, airline tickets are not that expensive, so it would seem she could easily afford it next time the holidays come around if she budgeted during the year. When the time is right, you can have that "now that you're out on your own...." talk and figure out how to handle the travel expenses going forward.

Just keep doing it - our family isn't so much tit for tat - like I got you this so I want this - she's a great daughter - we've been there for her through some rough times and down the road, I'm sure she'll be there for us. Her grandmother passed away earlier this year and she came twice - we have a few traditions and I had them with my mom too - I mean I love to go to Bloomys and go shopping with her - she has impeccable taste and she is a riot to be with - so I'm just going to enjoy her while she's here - she pushes me to work out and lose weight (I used be thin) and now I've really got to do it. We live in a great vacation destination and I know she loves it here but her heart is now in NYC - when we went there in July, she got Yankees tickets for all of us in the best seating - I was SO impressed and that was the game that Alex Rodriguez was going to do #600 - it was SO totally cool. We loved it.

She knows we always had to help her grandparents financially and she sees the effort that was made. She also knows they loved her dearly and that's just what you have to do sometimes.

[Ceece]

Do what you want to do, but realize that your traditions are going to change whether you like it or not. If you want to hang on to them a little longer then go ahead, but eventually people aren't going to be able to, or even want to, continue.