My wife is JUST NOT GETTING IT! (SAHM, baby, support)
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My wife is home all day with the baby. We moved from the States to Australia so she could be closer to her family and so she could have support for her family. The baby is now 3 months old. Well, I get up at 5am every day to go to work. I iron all my clothes, etc. yet and still, when its time for me to go to work, my wife is like "here's the baby" and hands him to me while I am trying to get dressed! On top of that, I cook dinner, do most of the cleaning, all while she is home during the day, or out with the family that was supposed to lighten the burden. Yes my son cries sometimes and is difficult, but so is working 5am to 5pm. And guess what happens when I walk in the door from work? My wife hands me the baby, or says "its time to bathe him." So I get nearly ZERO time for myself, and I am beginning to resent it. Last night I went to bed thinking "I hate what my life has become." I have moved to a different country just for my wife, I work and it feels like I have to do everything except nurse the baby and change the diapers. If I am the bread winner, shouldnt dinner be ready for me, my clothes be ironed. whatever? When I get home from work my wife often says to me "whats for dinner." I know a child is a lot of work, believe me, but I get the feeling my wife is slacking and its beginning to make me angry. I know she hasnt lived in her home country for 5 years, but we have been back in her home country for nearly 8 months and I think she's just having a holiday with her family and forgetting about taking care of the home.
You need to sit her down and explain all this....Things do need to be equal in all areas. But don't be too harsh, remember she spends 12 hours with a baby....and doesn't get a chance to get out....so she might be a bit overwhelmed.
Taking care of a baby for 12 straight hours doesn't leave a lot of time to iron work clothes and cook dinner. She's probably overwhelmed and possibly depressed. Sit down and talk about the priorities of your family. Maybe send your work clothes to the dry cleaner. Maybe suggest that she cooks 3 days/week and you eat leftovers the rest of the week. Try to come to a compromise. Ask if the baby is on a schedule. That helps with time management.
Welcome to the wonderful world of being a parent. Really- I can see it from your wives POV because being a SAHM myself when you are home with a child ALL day long it is draining. You don't get time to yourself either- especially with a baby so young. Heck, it is just a challenge to take a ****.
Your wife may have post partum or a mild case of it- she may resent the fact that you get to get out of the house everyday, see adults and actually get to see a reward for your hard work, AKA a paycheck, while she just sees more dishes, more dirty laundry, more diapers, ect. It isn't easy at all to be a SAHM. That job is 24/7...not 5-5.
I do however see it from your POV as well- it is great you lend a hand as much as you can and have even moved so far away from your family to be close to hers. However, if you keep making it seem as though it is a chore for you to do some extra work around the house because you work out of the home or make it seem as though your wife should be able to do it all, she is going to resent you even more. She doesn't need to hear all the time about the things she is doing wrong right now. Just come in the door with a smile, even if you have to bite the insides of your mouth to do it- help out without complaining or even asking what needs to be done- take the baby before she offers and just let her know you are there for her. Having a baby is a huge toll on the body and spirit sometimes for a woman- it was for me.
Maybe you stay home with the baby for a full 24-48 hours without your wifes help and see how much work it is. I doubt your wife is treating it like a holiday or vacation. A 3mth old baby requires so much time and attention. At 3mths I was lucky enough some days to even get time in for a quick shower. I think you may be expecting too much from your wife at this early in the game. Go easy on her and just don't worry about the small stuff right now
I agree that you need to sit down and calmly talk to her about how you are feeling. You certainly don't want resentment to build up. How is she supposed to know if you don't talk to her? Maybe in her mind she thinks you feel bad since you don't get to see the baby as much, so she thinks she's doing you a favor by handing you the baby when you walk in the door. Might be bizarre in your mind, but maybe not in hers.
I know when our son was small like that, and I stayed home with him, I couldn't get him to take a nap in his crib for the first few months. I could get him to sleep, but about a minute after I'd put him down he'd start crying. Just to get some peace, I'd finally hold him the whole time he was taking a nap. I'd say that changed for me at about 4 months or so - he finally would stay asleep.
We had no family around for support what so ever. Maybe the two of you need to leave the baby with someone and have an evening out and discuss things.....
The baby is only 3 months old. All of that time that you are work, your wife is at home with the baby without a moment for herself. Just as you are feeling overwhelmed, I'm sure she is feeling the same way. Taking care of a 3 month old all day is no holiday, I assure you that.
You guys need to talk about this and come up with a plan that works best for both of you. It's not as easy as it sounds to prepare dinner every night when you are alone with a demanding baby. Maybe you could cook some big meals on the weekends when you are both home and freeze them so each night when you come home all that has to be done is heat up the meal. You could ask your extended family to pitch in with cooking and cleaning. My baby wanted to be held every minute of the day. If she wasn't being held, she was crying. I found it helpful to put her in a sling or other type of baby carrier so that I could get things done around the house. Every baby is different though so this suggestion may or may not be relevant to your situation. It's unreasonable to expect her to do everything. You are both working hard and will need to figure out what she can do to help out more and what you can do to help out.
The first few months with a baby are difficult. Oftentimes they are also very hard on a couple's relationship. There is an adjustment period and it sounds like you are still in it. Find some time to talk with your wife. It will take time but together you can figure out where to go from here to make things better for all of you.
I know a child is a lot of work, believe me, but I get the feeling my wife is slacking and its beginning to make me angry. I know she hasnt lived in her home country for 5 years, but we have been back in her home country for nearly 8 months and I think she's just having a holiday with her family and forgetting about taking care of the home.
Tell her that and let us know how that goes.
Seriously, stay home for a day and try doing what she does. I've done that before when my wife is sick and I am more than happy to get back to the office. She works way harder than I do. I can't speak much for the 3month stage, as our foster (soon to be adopted) daughter was dropped off at 8 months, but I can tell you it doesn't get easier when they get mobile.
Welcome to the wonderful world of being a parent. Really- I can see it from your wives POV because being a SAHM myself when you are home with a child ALL day long it is draining. You don't get time to yourself either- especially with a baby so young. Heck, it is just a challenge to take a ****.
Your wife may have post partum or a mild case of it- she may resent the fact that you get to get out of the house everyday, see adults and actually get to see a reward for your hard work, AKA a paycheck, while she just sees more dishes, more dirty laundry, more diapers, ect. It isn't easy at all to be a SAHM. That job is 24/7...not 5-5.
I do however see it from your POV as well- it is great you lend a hand as much as you can and have even moved so far away from your family to be close to hers. However, if you keep making it seem as though it is a chore for you to do some extra work around the house because you work out of the home or make it seem as though your wife should be able to do it all, she is going to resent you even more. She doesn't need to hear all the time about the things she is doing wrong right now. Just come in the door with a smile, even if you have to bite the insides of your mouth to do it- help out without complaining or even asking what needs to be done- take the baby before she offers and just let her know you are there for her. Having a baby is a huge toll on the body and spirit sometimes for a woman- it was for me.
Maybe you stay home with the baby for a full 24-48 hours without your wifes help and see how much work it is. I doubt your wife is treating it like a holiday or vacation. A 3mth old baby requires so much time and attention. At 3mths I was lucky enough some days to even get time in for a quick shower. I think you may be expecting too much from your wife at this early in the game. Go easy on her and just don't worry about the small stuff right now
Youre wrong. Shes out shopping with her sister now and attends no less than 4 lunches with her friends per week. Plus, she's over her parents hosue (retired and they live ten minutes away on foot) most of the week, so she's not managing the baby as she would if she were home alone with him. And, by no means is she depressed.
Seriously, stay home for a day and try doing what she does. I've done that before when my wife is sick and I am more than happy to get back to the office. She works way harder than I do. I can't speak much for the 3month stage, as our foster (soon to be adopted) daughter was dropped off at 8 months, but I can tell you it doesn't get easier when they get mobile.
Man up.
i am no punk and whatever is on my mind I tell my wife. She didnt want me to put pics up on Facebook of the baby and I did anyway, so my family could see them. I do not cower in fear of my wife at all, and I will not be bullied. I dont know what kind of man you are, but in the end, the men in my family ALWAYS win.
Added to that, as I mentioend to the other poster, Youre wrong. Shes out shopping with her sister now and attends no less than 4 lunches with her friends per week. Plus, she's over her parents house (retired and they live ten minutes away on foot) during the day during most of the week, so she's not managing the baby as she would if she were home alone with him. And, by no means is she depressed. BTW I HAVE stayed home with the baby and I know how it is. I managed WELL!
My wife is home all day with the baby. We moved from the States to Australia so she could be closer to her family and so she could have support for her family. The baby is now 3 months old. Well, I get up at 5am every day to go to work. I iron all my clothes, etc. yet and still, when its time for me to go to work, my wife is like "here's the baby" and hands him to me while I am trying to get dressed! On top of that, I cook dinner, do most of the cleaning, all while she is home during the day, or out with the family that was supposed to lighten the burden. Yes my son cries sometimes and is difficult, but so is working 5am to 5pm. And guess what happens when I walk in the door from work? My wife hands me the baby, or says "its time to bathe him." So I get nearly ZERO time for myself, and I am beginning to resent it. Last night I went to bed thinking "I hate what my life has become." I have moved to a different country just for my wife, I work and it feels like I have to do everything except nurse the baby and change the diapers. If I am the bread winner, shouldnt dinner be ready for me, my clothes be ironed. whatever? When I get home from work my wife often says to me "whats for dinner." I know a child is a lot of work, believe me, but I get the feeling my wife is slacking and its beginning to make me angry. I know she hasnt lived in her home country for 5 years, but we have been back in her home country for nearly 8 months and I think she's just having a holiday with her family and forgetting about taking care of the home.
I think a lot of you missed this part. It appears she is NOT alone with the baby for 12 hours. I think he is being taken advantage of. If I worked 12 hrs a day and was expected to come home and iron and cook dinner, I would run away from home!
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